Venting How to truly come to terms with death?

[Abort!]

TLDR: how do you, personally, overcome the survival instinct?

I believe the trajectory of ones life is mostly predetermined by their starting conditions, their geneology, and their influences in growing up. I can confidently say that I have been quite miserable for the vast majority of my time here and that improvement, while not impossible, is rather improbable.

(Self loathing inbound!)
My biology is a regrettable, weak, and shameful display of manhood. My mind is unfixably broken from the trauma and the abandonment I endured. I feel rather incompetent and inferior in the intelligence department as well. IEPs, special classes, the whole 9 yards. I'm "lucky" to have had the bare minimum requirements to sustain human life.

But beyond that? Community? Friendship? Belonging? I fit in here like a rectangle fits into a circular hole. It just ain't gonna fit, no matter how much you grease it up.

I really want to die soon. I hung in there, white knuckling it for 25 long years, just hoping for a scrap of some genuine love waiting for me around the corner like this pathetic disgusting kicked puppy. It wasn't ever coming. On top of that, completely losing faith in the delusional idea of "God" making it all "right" in the end really pulled the rug out from under me.

Humans are social creatures and I cannot help my nature. To be alone is not natural to me. Solitary confinement and alienation is not natural. It's cruel and inhumane. We don't treat prisoners like that for a reason.

The verdict is clear, whether by circumstance or some ridiculous notion of "inherent worth" superceding all is irrelevant: I am defective. Unchosen. Unloved. Unseen. Used, unwanted goods. Bored out of my fucking mind and all out of cope. I can confidently say it's over at this point in time. Reality corpus has spoken. That's game.

In the meantime, I'm just waiting to build up the balls to squeeze the trigger. The human survival instinct is quite an extraordinary thing... or maybe I'm just a coward. There's some lingering guilt there for my mother as well unfortunately. Which leads me to my next point: do you guys have any tips and tricks to come to terms with it? I know that whatever awaits me on the other side cannot possibly be subjectively worse than this hell... right?

I personally believe reincarnation is most probable, followed up closely by permanent nonexistence. But whatever happens, I don't believe our identities will follow us there. I think this game was most likely always zero-sum to begin with. I'd love your inputs. Thanks.

(Sorry for the rambling.)

 

[amor.dor]

"But, paradoxically, the attachment to life is usually stronger than all the miseries of the world. And, even if one judges that life is not worth living, few people ultimately act on this premise."- Camus

As long as there is hope, resentment, or attachment, death will always be seen as something completely negative.The attachment to life seems much stronger because we think we can solve the problems we have. But the truth, from what I've observed, is that we always die with many problems unresolved. Some traumas we never fully resolve. We think we can have control over things, but it's a mere illusion. Many things escape our sight.
I don't expect an afterlife to exist. No religion has ever proven itself 100% true. I look at the facts; most religions were just a form of social control. So, what I expect in death is nothingness—and I'm okay with that. If life is marked by wear and tear, where merely being alive and still causes you to deteriorate and thus you always have to seek energy, work, and tire yourself out, then death is the perfect rest from this life whose finish line is always death.
For me, falling out of love with life is what has made my SI decrease a lot. But that brings a lot of calm, which paradoxically, for now, keeps me from killing myself.

 

[Spite]

I feel like I could have written this, only I'm 27.

I'm also struggling with survival instinct holding me back, as well as fear of the unknown. I'm not sure I can suggest much other than to just remember that death is inevitable - it's going to happen to you whether you like it or not. Committing suicide will just "quicken" the process.

One thing I try to remind myself is that being dead is probably like being asleep for eternity, and the best part if that's true? You won't even know it. It will be as if you never existed. You may worry about hurting your mother/others, but understand that you are literally dead, you won't even be alive to see their reactions let alone feel or experience anything at all. And at that point, nothing truly matters.

Another thing - and I usually repeat this to myself like a mantra, is that life is inherently unfair. Why should I settle for this mediocre, unfulfilling life? Why play a game that's rigged from the start? The only way to beat the game is to quit.

 

[ILiveAlone]

I feel like I could have written this, only I'm 27.

I'm also struggling with survival instinct holding me back, as well as fear of the unknown. I'm not sure I can suggest much other than to just remember that death is inevitable - it's going to happen to you whether you like it or not. Committing suicide will just "quicken" the process.

One thing I try to remind myself is that being dead is probably like being asleep for eternity, and the best part if that's true? You won't even know it. It will be as if you never existed. You may worry about hurting your mother/others, but understand that you are literally dead, you won't even be alive to see their reactions let alone feel or experience anything at all. And at that point, nothing truly matters.

Another thing - and I usually repeat this to myself like a mantra, is that life is inherently unfair. Why should I settle for this mediocre, unfulfilling life? Why play a game that's rigged from the start? The only way to beat the game is to quit.

This.

I feel like if I ever were to kill myself, it'd have to be out of impulsivity, so I don't have time to think and end up changing my mind.
Ultimately, like you said, when it's over, it's over. There is no bargaining with God for more time. Eventually, you'll have to accept your fate. At least through suicide, you can choose your end.

 

[Captive_Mind515]

I don't think most people do overcome SI... most people are scared but somehow still find a way.

These two quotes sort of sum it up for me:

"Feel the fear and do it anyway"

"Courage isn't the absence of fear, courage is moving forward even when afraid"

It's a very difficult thing, choosing to move towards something we fear. It's almost the ability to deny/reject our biological impulses. Which if you think about it, is something very few people have experience or practice with in everyday life. It is in fact completely the opposite - we obey our biological needs/impulses... often slavishly and seemingly without much power to resist them.

 

[Spite]

I don't think most people do overcome SI... most people are scared but somehow still find a way.

These two quotes sort of sum it up for me:

"Feel the fear and do it anyway"

"Courage isn't the absence of fear, courage is moving forward even when afraid"

It's a very difficult thing, choosing to move towards something we fear. It's almost the ability to deny/reject our biological impulses. Which if you think about it, is something very few people have experience or practice with in everyday life. It is in fact completely the opposite - we obey our biological needs/impulses... often slavishly and seemingly without much power to resist them.

This is why I've always thought that those who actually do CTB are incredibly brave. It takes an unfathomable amount of courage to reject your survival instincts and embrace the unknown (that is, the cessation of one's life).

It's also why it always greatly frustrates me whenever I hear people try to guilt-trip those who are suicidal by saying things like "suicide is selfish and cowardly".

 

[perishsong]

I could've written the same thing. I help my mind "cement" my CTB as inevitable, like I say to myself "that's my last holiday" etc.

I had to let my feelings boil and tip over severely before I could make sure my plan isn't impulsive, and I'm determined to follow through.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

imo some of the basic questions :

is life good or bad .

is Death good or bad

what is Death.

would someone want to stay in something that is very bad?

i think Life is the most horrible thing and that Death is the opposite so Death is the most beautiful thing .

i believe Death is Non-Existence forever the ultimate perfection.

for example to most people . if a gang kidnaps you and makes you a slave torturing you every day. do you have a doubt that you want to escape that situation?

no, because you know that is a bad situation.

it's obvoius to anyone that is a very bad situation to be in . And while you might get some pleasure from eating the food they give you or videos they let you watch. you know that the horrible things far outweigh the pleasure of eating food or watching vidoes . so you're not going to stay as a slave being turtured having to work just so you can get pleasure of eating food. or at least you are sure you want to leave that nightmare as soon as you get an opportunity. then when you get a good opportunity you won't hesitate you escape. you're not going to think well i do get food and to watch videos no you say to hell with that i'm out of here.

so imo the first thing is to be certain of what you want and believe.

 

[Bitch With An Apple]

For me it's music, drugs and meditation.
And I wax and wane about how accepting of it I am.

I think it needs to be self-possessed. I think about people who are awaiting natural death and can do so openly and the qualities they have. They take ownership of it, they let go of self-judgment, and they can reflect back and see that what they experienced had enough meaning, and that they were enough.

You're describing circumstances that can be either externalized into incompatibility or internalized into shame.

I'm being 300% pseud so if you disagree please do but if you're motivated by shame, I don't think it comes as easily, because it doesn't come from within. You're taking on what you think others want from you, and you're basically murdering yourself on their behalf. There's a distinction between suicide as an act of rejection of the world and suicide as an act of the world rejecting you. In real, physical terms, I think the two are often one and the same. But the mindset is totally different.

I think it comes down to acknowledging your value, and then deciding from there what to do with it. Otherwise it's just an oppressive system pressuring you into it and even if it logically makes sense to you, internally you'll always resist that and it'll feel like it's coming out of nowhere because you're not listening to yourself.

 

[Abort!]

For me it's music, drugs and meditation.
And I wax and wane about how accepting of it I am.

I think it needs to be self-possessed. I think about people who are awaiting natural death and can do so openly and the qualities they have. They take ownership of it, they let go of self-judgment, and they can reflect back and see that what they experienced had enough meaning, and that they were enough.

You're describing circumstances that can be either externalized into incompatibility or internalized into shame.

I'm being 300% pseud so if you disagree please do but if you're motivated by shame, I don't think it comes as easily, because it doesn't come from within. You're taking on what you think others want from you, and you're basically murdering yourself on their behalf. There's a distinction between suicide as an act of rejection of the world and suicide as an act of the world rejecting you. In real, physical terms, I think the two are often one and the same. But the mindset is totally different.

I think it comes down to acknowledging your value, and then deciding from there what to do with it. Otherwise it's just an oppressive system pressuring you into it and even if it logically makes sense to you, internally you'll always resist that and it'll feel like it's coming out of nowhere because you're not listening to yourself.

I most definitely agree that my circumstances have pressured me into this mindset, and that I've internalized much of it as a verdict on my worth. I curse the system for its cruelty just as much myself for that. Appeals to 'intrinsic worth' don't register for me because they haven't changed my lived outcomes.

I can't dissociate from the pain of isolation or pretend it doesn't hurt. My mind and body feel like an inescapable prison. If your framework works for you, I'm genuinely glad. It hasn't for me. I feel like I've run out of cope. Regardless, thank you for the thoughtful reply. I guess I'm still open to other suggestions, even if I can't see the point from where I stand.

All the best.