Help How to tell the difference between SI and real doubt?

[amarillo]

My time is supposed to come very soon. Everything is in order, just waiting for the right circumstances. I'm all ready. Except maybe I'm not?

Last night I had dinner with my friends for the last time. It was really nice, nicer than it has been in ages. I actually had fun, and I feel like I was able to add value for them as well. It's probably just the fact that I knew it was the last time and that I had to make the most of it that made me able to leave behind my struggles for the night, but then my brain started telling me that maybe I still have it in me. To be a friend to others, to experience joy, to be a functioning member of society. Rationally, I think that's bullshit and I hate that my mind is telling me these things because what if it stops me from going through with it and will bring me right back to the eternal state of limbo between death and actually living? It's happened to me before and nothing actually improved in my life (despite me really trying) and I'm too tired to go through that again.

I know you can't tell me what to do and I'm not asking you to, but I just need to get out of my head and figure out if this is just the SI talking. Perhaps you may have an idea on just the general question of how to distinguish between SI and real doubt. I appreciate any of you reading this and/or responding, thanks!

 

[Death is your gift]

I can relate to your post... Looks like this struggle between the will to ctb and the will to overcome depression has been going on from years, and this is exhausting. I totally get you when you talk about eternal limbo between death and actually living. It is like we are stuck in here.

I think that deep down under desperation there is still a part of us that think some things are worth to live, people we care etc... Not sure it is the SI though.... I think that SI part intervenes when you're about to "do it", or when you already did something and have second thoughts.

I step back several time from "doing it" and I think it was a mix between survival instinct (scared of pain and death) and the thoughts of the people left behind.

This is crazy : being deeply convinced rationally that dying is the way, and yet not able to end it once and for all because of our mind.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think in my opinion, it is hard to say as the survival instinct can manifest in different ways. Of course it is difficult to ctb as we are programmed to survive after all. Maybe if you are having doubts for a long period of time, maybe it is real doubt then. I think for me, I would only choose to ctb if I was absolutely certain about my decision. After all the option to ctb is always there and we have the right to exit at a time of our choosing anyway. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

My time is supposed to come very soon. Everything is in order, just waiting for the right circumstances. I'm all ready. Except maybe I'm not?

Last night I had dinner with my friends for the last time. It was really nice, nicer than it has been in ages. I actually had fun, and I feel like I was able to add value for them as well. It's probably just the fact that I knew it was the last time and that I had to make the most of it that made me able to leave behind my struggles for the night, but then my brain started telling me that maybe I still have it in me. To be a friend to others, to experience joy, to be a functioning member of society. Rationally, I think that's bullshit and I hate that my mind is telling me these things because what if it stops me from going through with it and will bring me right back to the eternal state of limbo between death and actually living? It's happened to me before and nothing actually improved in my life (despite me really trying) and I'm too tired to go through that again.

I know you can't tell me what to do and I'm not asking you to, but I just need to get out of my head and figure out if this is just the SI talking. Perhaps you may have an idea on just the general question of how to distinguish between SI and real doubt. I appreciate any of you reading this and/or responding, thanks!

I'm going through some of the same exact feelings myself right now. I see a beautiful world with all sorts of fantastic experiences and amazing people to meet and spend time with. There's many joyous aspects to Christmas itself.
On the other hand, I have problems that are entirely overwhelming. So the SI is VERY strong. An awful dilemma.

 

[Itsallover123]

To me SI is something that comes during irrational thinking, when you're confused and unsure your body defaults to making you think you want to live. When you're lucid and have thoughts about how good life can be that might be a sign that you should give it another shot

 

[Idontrecognizemyself]

I forget who it was who said this on a different post (I will @ them if I can remember), who said it is worth your time to explore every option available to you. If CTB isn't your only option, that's okay, and it'll still be here for you if you change your mind again. When I read that it hit me really hard. Dying will always be an option for me, but some of the other things in my life are unique to right now, and worth following through to their logical conclusion.

In terms of the differentiation of SI, I don't think this is it. I think right now you are logically weighing your options. It's only natural to be hesitant before big decisions & life changes. For me, I think of SI as that Sympathetic Nervous System in the moment "fight or flighting" what you're about to do, sometimes even without our understanding or consent. It is the desire to keep breathing, maintain consciousness, acutely. I think what you're experiencing right now could add really significant regret on top of that SI, but I don't think these feelings are SI themselves.

 

[amarillo]

Thank you all for your insights. I think I've concluded that doubt is in the mind, whereas SI is something that the body does when it is in immediate danger. That would mean that what I'm experiencing right now is actual doubt.

That said, I still think I'm gonna go through with it. I'm a highly indecisive person as is, so I don't think I will ever make up my mind 100%. But in the meantime I'm not exactly gonna be having a great time. Plus, there's nothing to regret if I'm no longer here. I just hope that all this won't intensify my SI on the day itself to the point where I can't get myself to actually carry out the act.