dazednconfused
could i be an angel?
- Oct 8, 2024
- 52
i don't know what prompted this... i decided to CTB, got all the stuff, its on the way and then suddenly one of my friend's friends is just super nice to me, genuinely just a nice person, caring and going out of their way to do nice things for me,,? they kinda were doing this before but it wasnt very frequent but we started talking more over the internet and its kinda funny cus we both have internet "personas" that are still us, but just easier for us to express ourselves online authentically. its so odd i didnt even realize or think of them as the kind of person who would be anything like me based off them in person..!!
but today they brought me dinner... like, they cooked and drove to my house just to give me dinner... because i mentioned how i could barely eat yesterday and i just wished i could have an actual meal and not frozen foods... he didn't even know but somehow he cooked me my favorite thing to eat, alfredo haha.
i took it and smiled and ate a few bites once i sat down in my room and
then i started bawling my eyes out crying.. i feel so guilty, i felt so guilty. i had finally committed to wanting to end it. i know the pain is going to come back anyways, so why does someone have to be nice to me now? i'm going to hurt forever... the pain comes back all the time... its all just a distraction but, the simple gesture that no ones ever done for me before idk it warmed my heart a lot and i felt so guilty thinking that if i died this hard work of a meal and all of it was just going to go to waste. i dont know why i deserve any kindness.
but now.. i feel so guilty. i cant do it now. i had been so certain id CTB as soon as i got everything, maybe next week or the week after...
i dont even know if im posting in the right forum for this but.. i guess maybe i might end up waiting a bit longer to CTB... even after i get my stuff.
but anyways.. is it ok if i just keep it in the package and hide it and not open it for now...? once i get it ofc, i got it oct 8th (yesterday) so.. prolly not for another 2 ish weeks but yea. idk im so confused right now...
i know itll end. the feeling of comfort. i still feel distant from life and scared and like i cant do what i need to do but... at least for this guilt and this reason i think ill wait a little longer before it all goes away...
sorry if this is the wrong forum im just really confused haha..
but today they brought me dinner... like, they cooked and drove to my house just to give me dinner... because i mentioned how i could barely eat yesterday and i just wished i could have an actual meal and not frozen foods... he didn't even know but somehow he cooked me my favorite thing to eat, alfredo haha.
i took it and smiled and ate a few bites once i sat down in my room and
then i started bawling my eyes out crying.. i feel so guilty, i felt so guilty. i had finally committed to wanting to end it. i know the pain is going to come back anyways, so why does someone have to be nice to me now? i'm going to hurt forever... the pain comes back all the time... its all just a distraction but, the simple gesture that no ones ever done for me before idk it warmed my heart a lot and i felt so guilty thinking that if i died this hard work of a meal and all of it was just going to go to waste. i dont know why i deserve any kindness.
but now.. i feel so guilty. i cant do it now. i had been so certain id CTB as soon as i got everything, maybe next week or the week after...
i dont even know if im posting in the right forum for this but.. i guess maybe i might end up waiting a bit longer to CTB... even after i get my stuff.
but anyways.. is it ok if i just keep it in the package and hide it and not open it for now...? once i get it ofc, i got it oct 8th (yesterday) so.. prolly not for another 2 ish weeks but yea. idk im so confused right now...
i know itll end. the feeling of comfort. i still feel distant from life and scared and like i cant do what i need to do but... at least for this guilt and this reason i think ill wait a little longer before it all goes away...
sorry if this is the wrong forum im just really confused haha..
