I forgot where I heard it, but for a lot of people suicide feels like the "escape hatch" on the otherwise inescapable spaceship that is life. Even if you understand that there's nothing out there, someone might feel security in having an escape hatch. I mean there's no problems out there. There's also definitely an emotional high and sense of comfort that comes from thinking you'll be dead soon. More people than you might think like to chase after that high- without being that actively suicidal or even acknowledging what they're doing.
I'm of the strong belief that if someone is using something as a coping mechanism- even if it's a terrible coping mechanism they shouldn't do, you can't justify telling them to stop or forcing them to stop until they've found different coping mechanisms. Note I didn't say that they were told about different coping mechanisms..... they have actually have other coping mechanisms... I've met too many therapists that will just pull up a list of 200 different things as stupid as "light a scented candle" as if that'll replace the sensation and psychological fulfillment someone gets from abusing xanax and cutting themselves to deal with their sense of utter failure in life.
There does come a point in recovery where you gotta stop thinking about death all the time, where you probably should stop visiting sites like this even, but I think that point is wayyyyy further down the line than most people think. Because to an outsider, if someone stops talking about a problem, it means they don't have that problem anymore, right? Hah.
I feel a lot for you because I think I was in your shoes in the past. I have always had a great amount of derealization that almost borders on psychosis. So here's the secret: start living your life despite the thoughts to CTB.
I joke now, I say, "What does a man do when he feels his entire body is fake, he is dead, his hands can pass through objects, and he could lay in place until he died of dehydration?" "He gets up and goes to work like anyone else!" Because that it how it goes for me. Am I supposed to suffer more by mentally rebelling against the sensations in my body and mind? That's how you develop OCD and other anxiety-thought disorders.
If you snap out of it, that's great, but you can't wait around to snap out of it. Just go and live your life. Thoughts are thoughts- not actions. I will be on the bus to work and the entire situation is very absurd because 1) I do not exist 2) the world does not exist, but I just say to myself, "WHAT-EVER." I don't feel any anxiety about it most of the time. I worry sometimes- how can I be a moral person if I feel no attachment to my values, because I am not a real person? Then I say, "WHAT-EVER. My values are my values- my feelings about if I really hold them or not is WHAT-EVER, because at the end of the day I act by them."
I think you would like this video, which is a favorite of mine.
