Help How to stop resenting my parents for birthing me?

[ncmxm]

What the title says

I resent them for birthing me, because if they hadn't, I wouldn't be suffering from depression

Sometimes this feeling goes away but then it returns

How do I stop it?

 

[gomenasai]

It's better not to focus on thoughts that make you angry, as that causes you to feel even more furious. However, these thoughts shouldn't be suppressed either. It's better to just observe them and not interact with them. These feelings will always come and go, but the way that you react to these thoughts is the only thing that you can control.

 

[timf]

Depression can be complex. There can be developmental and psychological components. There can also be physiological components.

Anger at parents might be replaced by something proactive like experimenting with various methods to get some degree of control.

diet, sleep, exercise
supplements like SAMe
medications
diversions activities hobbies

The experimental model allows you to make a change and observe the results. The more experiments you conduct, the more likely it will be that you find something that helps. As you collect a "tool kit" of things that work, the more control you may gain over your life.

 

[ncmxm]

Posting it in a different comment because I got mad after writing this post

Eta actually now when I'm thinking about it I fucking hate all parents every fucking single one of them fucking selfish egotistical cunts I hate them all

Parents are fucking criminals for playing with other people's lives and making them suffer

Just thinking about pregnancy makes me want to rip my uterus out, I fucking hate having been born a woman, there is nothing more disgusting in this world than pregnancy and I fucking hate this stupid weak female body made only to be penetrated and impregnated

Pregnant women disgust me to no end I even get scared when I'm near them because I'm scared of "catching" the pregnancy and being like them although I know of course it's impossible

I hate hate hate fucking hate it all

I hate the way the world is and there is no place for me in this world

 

[Pluto]

One approach is to put yourself in their shoes. They knew what they knew at that time, and the drive to procreate is present in all animal species. It takes a lot of passion for antinatalist philosophy to have the intellect override an activity that is biologically-programmed and culturally encouraged. Only a minority do.

Another approach is that when your recovery reaches a stage where you view yourself and your life without the negative connotations, the question of blame won't be there at all.

To make meaningful progress, the key is brutal honesty. As a rule, you are never angry for the reason you think. We have to go deeper, beyond all comfort zones and beyond the point where we feel we have a solid identity that is controlling the narrative. We have to be vulnerable to the extreme.

For example, you might find a part of you that is still crying out in pain from childhood traumas. Or overwhelmed with frustration over seeming to be powerless to change your life. Or deeply saddened at having lost the innocence and wonderment of your early years. Or you have learned to mistreat yourself because of how others have treated you.

Anger is a potent, energetic and empowered emotion, but it may be trying to cover up the 'wounded inner child' part of you - a place of being lost, confused or scared. Wanting to know what real love is yet terrified of being hurt again. You'll notice that in all cases, parents have nothing to do with your current inner state.

Of course, these are just made-up examples to get the ball rolling, and I hope nothing here hits a nerve, but since you are interested in recovery, I would encourage you to try the brutally-honest investigation into these feelings and see what you are able to find. Sending you lots of love.

 

[Dead Ghost]

It's simple, how you perceive the reality around you and the attitude you show towards life is not your fault. Realizing this can allow you, if you can (there is nothing easy to do) to face your day to day in a different way... the world will be the same but maybe you will understand why there are so many people as ways of living it.

//

És simple, com percibis la realitat que t'envolta i l'actitud que mostri's cap a la vida no és pas causa seva. Adonar-te'n d'això et pot permetre, si pots (no hi ha rés fàcil de fer), encarar el teu día a día d'una altre manera... el món serà el mateix però potser comprendràs perquè hi ha tantes persones com maneres de viure'l.

 

[ncmxm]

Or overwhelmed with frustration over seeming to be powerless to change your life.

This part definitely hit a nerve, but it's a good thing, thank you for saying it

And thank you so much for your post, you give great advice

 

[Pluto]

This part definitely hit a nerve, but it's a good thing, thank you for saying it

I'm really glad you understand where I am coming from. Sometimes genuine advice stings a bit. Your response shows a high degree of maturity and a willingness to be vulnerable, which will set you on a good path.

On that point, there's a good summary of learned helplessness which you might find useful. In short, there are often solutions even though we have fallen into total despair, and seeing this clearly is very helpful.

Learned helplessness: Examples, symptoms, and treatment

This article discusses the psychology behind learned helplessness — a state in which a person feels unable to change a stressful situation, even when change becomes possible.

www.medicalnewstoday.com

 

[Mr2005]

The same way you didn't resent them until you became depressed. Resent depression instead

 

[ncmxm]

The same way you didn't resent them until you became depressed. Resent depression instead

I have been depressed for as long as I can remember, since I was a child, it's not like I was super happy and then got depressed suddenly

Don't project your experience on other people

 

[Mr2005]

I have been depressed for as long as I can remember, since I was a child, it's not like I was super happy and then got depressed suddenly

Don't project your experience on other people

It was just a suggestion. Next time I won't bother

 

[ncmxm]

It was just a suggestion. Next time I won't bother

Thank you keep your breeder opinions off my posts please

I hate people like you so I'd appreciate it if you didn't reply to what I post

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I know how you feel. I didn't ask to be here and my family are awful and selfish on top of that. I just wish there was an easy way to never have to feel upset over them.

 

[Jadzia]

I understand how you feel. I chose not to have kids because I wouldn't want them to suffer. I'm an antinatalist.

 

[not4us]

Think of determinism - your parents couldn't have made different choices. Your existence was predetermined from the very Big Bang moment.

 

[WaveringLight]

I've gone through the same series of thoughts about resenting my parents for having birthed me as well. And other things as well, however I'll focus on the birth since that is what is relevant here.

Your feelings are valid. 100%. You would not be depressed if you were born. You never asked to be born. And your parents had you despite being aware of (or negligent of) creating you would result in you having to go through the suffering that is life.
(Skip the next two paragraphs if you want my knowledge on how to stop it.)

Ultimately, conceiving a child is a selfish action. For two parents that want a child, they either subconsciously (or consciously) acknowledge that they are creating another being who will go through the same suffering they go through that is existence. For two parents that have a child by mistake and abandon it, that's even worse. They not only have done what is above, but are letting that child fend from the world, who never had a say whether or not to be there, fend for itself in it's most vulnerable state. Some though are just blissfully unaware and caught up in the moment, which is quite negligent considering you are conceiving a new being that will have to deal with all the stresses of the world. A lot of people think like this however. It's "the next step in life" to start a family, have children... It's deep-rooted into not only our society but our drive biochemically.

For those who say it is for society and therefore makes it less selfish, how about all the way back in history when human sacrifices were a thing? When they would brutally murder one or multiple human beings just for the "greater good"? The gravity of those situations may be different but the concept is the same. Both acknowledge the suffering one will go through for "the greater good" (albeit one is more demented than the other). They thought that whatever Gods they believed in would grant them flourishing crops or good weather to survive the next season or whatever. In this case, two people have a child for the "greater good" of the human species. Even those who want to see just want to see their children happy are still selfish since that child never exactly had the say so in wanting to live their life.

So, being that you are in this world of suffering all the time, how can you stop resenting your parents for giving you this terrible existence?

-Well just like you and I, our parents were subjected to the same scenario of being conceived into a life they didn't ask for either. They perhaps have gone through some extent or a lot of suffering as well. I know my Mom and Dad have, and that's probably why I've been here longer, to help them (even though I will depart from this world soon).

-Maybe taking a look that they were also born unwillingly may help alleviate that feeling. If they have done you more wrong though in your life, this solution may not be the best.

-This may not be possible given your circumstances, but find reasons to enjoy your life. If you can enjoy your life more, you will look at your life less and less as a resentment and more and more as a "blessing". However, I believe that most of us that have reached this forum are far past this point. (Also telling a chronically depressed person to be happy is like telling someone with a knee injury to walk, it's really hard for them).

I can see that you are on a journey to recover. In closure, you are resenting your parents because you are depressed in your life, and they have given you that life. If you are happier or less depressed, you will resent your parents less since happiness is not something you resent (it is what we want). I wish you well on your journey to recovery. I send my best wishes and love to you.

 

[ncmxm]

I've gone through the same series of thoughts about resenting my parents for having birthed me as well. And other things as well, however I'll focus on the birth since that is what is relevant here.

Your feelings are valid. 100%. You would not be depressed if you were born. You never asked to be born. And your parents had you despite being aware of (or negligent of) creating you would result in you having to go through the suffering that is life.
(Skip the next two paragraphs if you want my knowledge on how to stop it.)

Ultimately, conceiving a child is a selfish action. For two parents that want a child, they either subconsciously (or consciously) acknowledge that they are creating another being who will go through the same suffering they go through that is existence. For two parents that have a child by mistake and abandon it, that's even worse. They not only have done what is above, but are letting that child fend from the world, who never had a say whether or not to be there, fend for itself in it's most vulnerable state. Some though are just blissfully unaware and caught up in the moment, which is quite negligent considering you are conceiving a new being that will have to deal with all the stresses of the world. A lot of people think like this however. It's "the next step in life" to start a family, have children... It's deep-rooted into not only our society but our drive biochemically.

For those who say it is for society and therefore makes it less selfish, how about all the way back in history when human sacrifices were a thing? When they would brutally murder one or multiple human beings just for the "greater good"? The gravity of those situations may be different but the concept is the same. Both acknowledge the suffering one will go through for "the greater good" (albeit one is more demented than the other). They thought that whatever Gods they believed in would grant them flourishing crops or good weather to survive the next season or whatever. In this case, two people have a child for the "greater good" of the human species. Even those who want to see just want to see their children happy are still selfish since that child never exactly had the say so in wanting to live their life.

So, being that you are in this world of suffering all the time, how can you stop resenting your parents for giving you this terrible existence?

-Well just like you and I, our parents were subjected to the same scenario of being conceived into a life they didn't ask for either. They perhaps have gone through some extent or a lot of suffering as well. I know my Mom and Dad have, and that's probably why I've been here longer, to help them (even though I will depart from this world soon).

-Maybe taking a look that they were also born unwillingly may help alleviate that feeling. If they have done you more wrong though in your life, this solution may not be the best.

-This may not be possible given your circumstances, but find reasons to enjoy your life. If you can enjoy your life more, you will look at your life less and less as a resentment and more and more as a "blessing". However, I believe that most of us that have reached this forum are far past this point. (Also telling a chronically depressed person to be happy is like telling someone with a knee injury to walk, it's really hard for them).

I can see that you are on a journey to recover. In closure, you are resenting your parents because you are depressed in your life, and they have given you that life. If you are happier or less depressed, you will resent your parents less since happiness is not something you resent (it is what we want). I wish you well on your journey to recovery. I send my best wishes and love to you.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this comment and thank you so much for your words. Your comment really made my day.

I'm sorry you're suffering too and I'm sorry it has come to the point where you're leaving soon. I wish you peace in the days before you go. Thank you again, your comment was the best thing that happened to me today

 

[WaveringLight]

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this comment and thank you so much for your words. Your comment really made my day.

I'm sorry you're suffering too and I'm sorry it has come to the point where you're leaving soon. I wish you peace in the days before you go. Thank you again, your comment was the best thing that happened to me today

I'm glad to hear this. And thank you. I'm not suffering too much. It's moreso due to the fact I cannot sustain myself given the conditions I have, and I have found my own relief and solace in these last days.

Helping people has always given me happiness as well. I'm glad I could make your day (:

 

[Mr2005]

Thank you keep your breeder opinions off my posts please

I hate people like you so I'd appreciate it if you didn't reply to what I post

You hate people like me? You don't even know me. I took the time to answer your post. Maybe your problems stem from being an ungrateful asshole

 

[rainwillneverstop]

Thank you keep your breeder opinions off my posts please

I hate people like you so I'd appreciate it if you didn't reply to what I post

I don't think Mr ment any harm with his advice. To be frank, he just gave an personal answer on your question.
When asking for tips or a advice on something, we might not always like the answers.
I think it's a little off to tell a stranger, who attempted to answer your question, that you hate them and categorizing their words as "breeder opinions"(?)
I understand it's hard but please remember that the other person probably has it hard too, considering they are here.
Don't shoot the messenger.

 

[WaveringLight]

I don't think Mr ment any harm with his advice. To be frank, he just gave an personal answer on your question.
When asking for tips or a advice on something, we might not always like the answers.
I think it's a little off to tell a stranger, who attempted to answer your question, that you hate them and categorizing their words as "breeder opinions"(?)
I understand it's hard but please remember that the other person probably has it hard too, considering they are here.
Don't shoot the messenger.

Yeah, I think it was just a misunderstanding.

 

[ncmxm]

I don't think Mr ment any harm with his advice. To be frank, he just gave an personal answer on your question.
When asking for tips or a advice on something, we might not always like the answers.
I think it's a little off to tell a stranger, who attempted to answer your question, that you hate them and categorizing their words as "breeder opinions"(?)
I understand it's hard but please remember that the other person probably has it hard too, considering they are here.
Don't shoot the messenger.

In another thread he said he wanted children despite being depressed himself

I hate people like him and I think they're monsters, because they know what it's like to suffer unlike normies and they create children who will suffer anyway

I don't want any opinions or comments from people like him on my threads

I called him a breeder because that's what he is, mindlessly following his instincts and wanting to make other people suffer despite knowing what suffering is like

Idc if it offends him, I think he and his ilk are selfish monsters

 

[Mr2005]

In another thread he said he wanted children despite being depressed himself

I hate people like him and I think they're monsters, because they know what it's like to suffer unlike normies and they create children who will suffer anyway

I don't want any opinions or comments from people like him on my threads

I called him a breeder because that's what he is, mindlessly following his instincts and wanting to make other people suffer despite knowing what suffering is like

Idc if it offends him, I think he and his ilk are selfish monsters

Ah right. I get it now. You're lying though. No one has children for them to suffer. I love how you still go all misty eyed if it's baby seals or something. They're still being brought into the same world. The difference is you like them you don't like people. The things I've read here are by people who want others to suffer, they're the real monsters. This children lark is a complete con, you just can't stand to see others happy

 

[whatevs]

Ah right. I get it now. You're lying though. No one has children for them to suffer. I love how you still go all misty eyed if it's baby seals or something. They're still being brought into the same world. The difference is you like them you don't like people. The things I've read here are by people who want others to suffer, they're the real monsters. This children lark is a complete con, you just can't stand to see others happy

You want children, but you wouldn't HAVE them, right? I think that's what the other user is getting at. It's normal to crave things like parenthood IMO, not to be confused with being a selfish piece of shit that has offspring when they aren't suitable for the task.

 

[CatLover]

I am struggling with this too. A few years ago I just saw it more as 'they did the best they could do with what they had' and 'parenting is a hard job, they tried their best' which is quite kind, I think. I try to think about people kindly when I can. But about three years ago we fell out and have stopped speaking and my thoughts have really changed. I feel like if you have a disabled child, you are responsible for them for their entire life, perhaps because I'm high functioning autistic and have lived and worked without their help for some periods of my life, they feel like that doesn't apply. Perhaps they are also fed up of having a child that is such a disappointment. Whatever it is, it made my feelings toward them change rather and now I'm on the same page as you - pretty much outright hate for having had a kid without giving any thought to how good they would be at being parents, their resources and not considering that that child might have similar problems socially etc like they both have, except it might be harder for them as times have changed and it is harder to get a job now as everything seems to require 'people skills' and self-promotion. I think they think because they somehow both managed to hold down jobs that I should have been able to.
I saw other parents of my peers help THEIR children, whether it was with a college fund or help with a deposit on a home so they could buy rather than be stuck renting, mine have honestly never given any kind of thought to helping me at all. Their parents were helpful to THEM, and I'm sure if they were still alive would wonder why they bothered having a child at all if that was their attitude. The previous generation wanted a better life for their children and worked really hard to try and help them get there. Their generation seems to be too selfish to want to help their kids in any way, they just abandoned them to the wolves.
I have always been depressed and anxious. I have always been autistic and been bullied and struggled with things. I have never liked being alive and planned my first attempt to not be here very young. I never wanted my own kids, the whole idea to me felt deeply wrong. When I discovered anti-natalism I realised that was my thinking.
Humans are wired for purpose and life has no purpose. It's cruel. There's so much suffering and yet however much people suffer, many of them will tell you they love life and delight in procreating more of it.
I don't know that any of that is any help, I am in the same place as you so I can't really help with how to stop feeling that way. I try to consider that we're all just basically animals and some people just aren't mentally evolved enough to think about things like breeding, they just do it, because of that animal urge. Most people don't give much thought to anything at all, in my experience.
I try to gain some comfort in the fact that I'm never doing that to someone else, the family line ends with me. No one is going to be alive because of me, and sitting here feeling similar things. That's really all I can personally do about it, make sure I don't have kids myself. Seeing as such a small percentage of people end up not having kids during their entire lifetimes, it's a pretty big thing.

 

[g0921]

I actually feel better to blame and resent them for pretty much all the shits I encounter these days.
So good to have someone to blame:P

Surely It is not my fault or their fault that the world sucks,
but surely it is their fault to have unprotected sex and unable to give their child a happy life:)

 

[ncmxm]

I am struggling with this too. A few years ago I just saw it more as 'they did the best they could do with what they had' and 'parenting is a hard job, they tried their best' which is quite kind, I think. I try to think about people kindly when I can. But about three years ago we fell out and have stopped speaking and my thoughts have really changed. I feel like if you have a disabled child, you are responsible for them for their entire life, perhaps because I'm high functioning autistic and have lived and worked without their help for some periods of my life, they feel like that doesn't apply. Perhaps they are also fed up of having a child that is such a disappointment. Whatever it is, it made my feelings toward them change rather and now I'm on the same page as you - pretty much outright hate for having had a kid without giving any thought to how good they would be at being parents, their resources and not considering that that child might have similar problems socially etc like they both have, except it might be harder for them as times have changed and it is harder to get a job now as everything seems to require 'people skills' and self-promotion. I think they think because they somehow both managed to hold down jobs that I should have been able to.
I saw other parents of my peers help THEIR children, whether it was with a college fund or help with a deposit on a home so they could buy rather than be stuck renting, mine have honestly never given any kind of thought to helping me at all. Their parents were helpful to THEM, and I'm sure if they were still alive would wonder why they bothered having a child at all if that was their attitude. The previous generation wanted a better life for their children and worked really hard to try and help them get there. Their generation seems to be too selfish to want to help their kids in any way, they just abandoned them to the wolves.
I have always been depressed and anxious. I have always been autistic and been bullied and struggled with things. I have never liked being alive and planned my first attempt to not be here very young. I never wanted my own kids, the whole idea to me felt deeply wrong. When I discovered anti-natalism I realised that was my thinking.
Humans are wired for purpose and life has no purpose. It's cruel. There's so much suffering and yet however much people suffer, many of them will tell you they love life and delight in procreating more of it.
I don't know that any of that is any help, I am in the same place as you so I can't really help with how to stop feeling that way. I try to consider that we're all just basically animals and some people just aren't mentally evolved enough to think about things like breeding, they just do it, because of that animal urge. Most people don't give much thought to anything at all, in my experience.
I try to gain some comfort in the fact that I'm never doing that to someone else, the family line ends with me. No one is going to be alive because of me, and sitting here feeling similar things. That's really all I can personally do about it, make sure I don't have kids myself. Seeing as such a small percentage of people end up not having kids during their entire lifetimes, it's a pretty big thing.

I'm sorry your parents were so shitty to you. I don't have a lot to say except that your feelings are completely valid, and I think you're right about people not giving it much thought at all.