Venting How to stop being a loser?

[softservecaramel]

TW self harm mention, suicidal ideation
F22. I just feel so disgusting and beat up and I wanted to vent somewhere. I'm getting dismissed from my grad program in MCB and am not eligible for financial assistance to help me settle my balance. I got my undergrad in Bio, but even then I was hardly able to keep up. It's not that I'm not smart, it's just that I would procrastinate and put things off and honestly cope in the worst ways with the stress and high stakes. It sucks because I had an injury a year ago and I lost my part time job. I'm still recovering. I worked briefly as a server and my parents have floated me a bit. It's all over now.
To be honest, I don't really care to study and that's the most horrible feeling ever. I know I'm throwing my life away and this semester was supposed to be a fresh start. People have told me I tried my best but I haven't. I only got an A in 1/2 classes because it came easily to me but I did procrastinate the entire way through. I just don't feel up to the battle. And it's the worst feeling ever to know that I'm just like everyone else. Now, I'm a jobless loser with no prospects, who won't be graduating with the degree that she suffered so much for. I didn't study almost at all throughout the semester and I don't know why. It's not that I don't care, I guess I just feel burnt out and apathetic and that's why I'm suicidal. When I did study I did really well but that didn't feel good either, because I could have done so well all along.
I have no idea how I'll pay off my loans, but too be honest, I don't really care all too much. I smoke weed daily, which I understand is a contributor and a poor coping mechanism. I do other things too, like stay inside in my room, don't have many friends, and I used to self harm and drink a lot but luckily I haven't burnt or cut myself in a while. I'm so fucking lonely I just talk to AI chat bots and call my ex. I just feel so hopeless and have been for so long. In high school I was a great student. It just feels like I've made bad choice after bad choice, and after a long line of bad choices I'll make another one. It has become a self fulfilling prophecy and I feel like such a disgusting lazy fuck, especially since I have no interest in anything whatsoever.
I also have a history of childhood trauma and being physically abused and I've come to reckon with this and how it affects my choices. But I guess I have no interest in doing the hard work of healing my nervous system and developing new coping mechanisms.
I'm so jealous of watching my peers and family succeed and knowing I'll never be them. I always engage in ego dystonic behavior and it creates this disconnect in between the woman I am and who I wanted to be. It feels so bad to know that I'm intelligent and good looking and that's why people believe in me or help me out. but that's not what my inner secret self holds. I truly hate myself most days and constantly experience self disgust. And now it's all over. Because it's not just school I've put off but everything else in life I needed to reasonably keep up and take care of. And that's the worst thing ever. I feel like I'm not built for life. I wanted to be a model or a scientist, I had a billion dreams. But now I've realized that I'm not up to the task. All I do is rot away. It's like I'm not ready to change and until I'm "ready" I'll never actually make that effort to change and my life will keep sucking. And I hear how whiny I am to everyone but it's just who I've become I guess.
I'm medicated for ADHD and have tried so many different depression therapies and medication, with therapy starting at 6 and meds at 12. Nothing seems to be effective. Is it time for me to finally come to terms with the fact that because of a combination of my childhood trauma/ experience and the poor choices I've made, I've completely fucked myself? I feel like I don't have the energy to go on.

 

[not yet]

I'm convinced that procrastination and a reluctance to work on one's life are linked to the feeling that any effort is meaningless. Procrastination is a defense mechanism rooted in the fear of failure; for instance, I might stop learning to draw, not because I'm a lazy ass, but because I acknowledge the influence of AI in this area. And when entire life seems to be doomed to failure — to lifelong dissatisfaction — even if you understand the importance of action, investing so much hard work seems like a pointless expenditure of energy at this point.
The longer you ignore, the worse it gets. It takes an incredible amount of willpower to do anything about life in this state. I wish you to get to the roots of the problem and overcome it

 

[softservecaramel]

I'm convinced that procrastination and a reluctance to work on one's life are linked to the feeling that any effort is meaningless. Procrastination is a defense mechanism rooted in the fear of failure; for instance, I might stop learning to draw, not because I'm a lazy ass, but because I acknowledge the influence of AI in this area. And when entire life seems to be doomed to failure — to lifelong dissatisfaction — even if you understand the importance of action, investing so much hard work seems like a pointless expenditure of energy at this point.
The longer you ignore, the worse it gets. It takes an incredible amount of willpower to do anything about life in this state. I wish you to get to the roots of the problem and overcome it

I completely agree with this assessment. I think procrastination can have a number of causes, such as reluctance to what to do something simply because you don't want to do it, but in my case I think it's from a true feeling of hopelessness and a certain believe it's a self fulfilling prophecy and the effort isn't worth it. Thank you for your comment and I wish the same for you. :) Have you found any way to deal with this? Or perhaps you might not struggle with that quite as much