How do you guys stay calm and not have intense anxiety or pain when thinking about ctb and the possibility that your brain may keep you here? I don't mean when you're about to ctb, which is a whole different level of mindset, but I mean the days, and weeks before? And for those who don't have a planned ctb date, how do you reconcile with facing the world in the meantime? How do you come to terms with death and resisting the ego's will to live? As much as I'd like to believe in reincarnation or that we all will experience different lives as a collective conscience, it just feels like our ego or our unique experience is all we will ever be able to experience. That being said if we're in so much pain it shouldn't really matter. But thinking about it is still hard.
Every moment is so painful for me, and browsing the forum and getting the necessary supplies for the method only brings so much comfort before my brain naturally, as it loves to do, torments me further with "you know you're not going to do it" "you're gonna have to deal with all these issues" "you're just distracting yourself" etc. Then all the intrusive thoughts, constant triggers and intense emotional pain is so much louder. My brain won't be convinced that I'll ctb until I actually do it, as with everything else in my life. Having a relentless inner critic, OCD and BPD is a fucked combo and they feed off each other and will continue to torment me until I ctb. They all need to die with me, but the irony is that while they are the reason I want to die, the OCD and anxiety also plays a role in keeping me alive through fear.
Every moment is so painful for me, and browsing the forum and getting the necessary supplies for the method only brings so much comfort before my brain naturally, as it loves to do, torments me further with "you know you're not going to do it" "you're gonna have to deal with all these issues" "you're just distracting yourself" etc. Then all the intrusive thoughts, constant triggers and intense emotional pain is so much louder. My brain won't be convinced that I'll ctb until I actually do it, as with everything else in my life. Having a relentless inner critic, OCD and BPD is a fucked combo and they feed off each other and will continue to torment me until I ctb. They all need to die with me, but the irony is that while they are the reason I want to die, the OCD and anxiety also plays a role in keeping me alive through fear.
