How to set boundaries?

[Susannah]

Boundaries are my weakest trait,
and I have always had an intense need to help others. It's almost a handicap. It's so much easier to be nice and say yes, than to reject and say no.

I notice that others around me are most concerned with themselves and theirs. They get free help and support from me, but I rarely get it back now.

I would like to learn to say no, but do not know how?

Lots of loveS

 

[Beeper]

Boundaries are my weakest trait,
and I have always had an intense need to help others. It's almost a handicap. It's so much easier to be nice and say yes, than to reject and say no.

I notice that others around me are most concerned with themselves and theirs. They get free help and support from me, but I rarely get it back now.

I would like to learn to say no, but do not know how?

Lots of loveS

I can directly relate to your post. I have such a difficult time establishing boundaries.

As you mentioned, it's almost a handicap. Most people like us tend to get used and rarely receive support in return for our generosity.

I don't have much advice how to change things, but keeping to yourself and avoiding opportunities to get involved come to mind.

Have you considered a career where you can help others? I am contemplating becoming a Peer Support Specialist to help others recover from mental health and / or substance abuse issues.

 

[seaweaves]

I'm really bad with setting my own boundaries. What I find helpful is to give myself "scripts" that I can save in my phone's copy-paste so I can send them when needed. Whatever the scripts are will depend on your circumstances. They can come in all flavours depending. Here's one or two I have used in the past (have a new phone so don't have them re-saved yet):

"Thank you of thinking about me, but I'm not in a space to be very helpful right now. Do you have other resources you can rely on right now?" "I'm not free for that, but please do keep inviting me to things" "That feels a bit outside my boundaries right now; maybe we can check in later?" "This is a copy-paste message I use when I'm non-verbal. I'm not in a position to chat right now, but please reach out again later" "I'm sorry to hear what's going on and appreciate your reaching out, but I need to prioritize some of my own personal matters right now that I'm struggling with." "I appreciate your trust in me but I don't feel comfortable or qualified to comment on that right now" etc.

This doesn't help for offline encounters, but it's a starting point I've been trying to use. I get relied on a lot, but don't get much support, so at least on those fronts I can relate more generally to you. For me, having a bunch of pre-written messages makes it easier than trying to respond or come up with boundary language in the moment. It might not be a helpful option for you, but just thought I'd mention it

 

[Susannah]

I can directly relate to your post. I have such a difficult time establishing boundaries.

As you mentioned, it's almost a handicap. Most people like us tend to get used and rarely receive support in return for our generosity.

I don't have much advice how to change things, but keeping to yourself and avoiding opportunities to get involved come to mind.

Have you considered a career where you can help others? I am contemplating becoming a Peer Support Specialist to help others recover from mental health and / or substance abuse issues.

Thanks love.

I do have a job where I help others, and get paid for it. It's not within mental health though, but in practical customer service with tech stuff. Helping most elderly people in their own home. My supervisor is very supportive these days, so I can work double shifts. I'm less unavaiable to help others all the time.
Lots of loveS

I'm really bad with setting my own boundaries. What I find helpful is to give myself "scripts" that I can save in my phone's copy-paste so I can send them when needed. Whatever the scripts are will depend on your circumstances. They can come in all flavours depending. Here's one or two I have used in the past (have a new phone so don't have them re-saved yet):



This doesn't help for offline encounters, but it's a starting point I've been trying to use. I get relied on a lot, but don't get much support, so at least on those fronts I can relate more generally to you. For me, having a bunch of pre-written messages makes it easier than trying to respond or come up with boundary language in the moment. It might not be a helpful option for you, but just thought I'd mention it

Thanks for this advice. I'll definately try it.
Lots of loveS

 

[Dot]

If hv supportv netwrk mayB tll ppl arnd u tht u r tryng 2 learn 2 look aftr urself bettr & tryinf 2 pt self 1st. New boundries wnt cm as sch surprse & less likly takn persnlly. Sm ppl may take frm u nt knowin tht u r depleted.

 

[Naufrago]

Susannah, this is empathy and love for others, the cure for this is apathy and selfishness. And I can't believe you want this cure. "I have or have had this problem"; whether it really is a problem; this quality is difficult to correct, takes life experience, time of experience and wisdom.
I'm 53 years old and now I'm learning to say no. And ironically, sometimes I've regretted it, it's a paradox.
Do you know the phrase "do good, no matter who"? Don't worry, you're really the one who's winning!
I don't know if you believe in the existence of the soul, but your soul is evolving and growing. You are the elite of humanity.
Our world is poor in people like you...
Try deepak Chopra's book The Shadow Effect.

 

[timf]

You might start by interrupting the request process. For example if someone asks for help you can say that you will be able to in five minutes. Few would find a reason to object to a slight delay. As time passes, you might be able to introduce greater obstacles and even begin asking for reasons. This can begin a process of negotiation whereby those taking advantage of you might seek alternatives.

 

[cooldude420]

they're is book call boundaries by henry cloud. it very gud book. jus inore the crisstiian stuff. you c amazon reviws

 

[lyles]

Boundaries are my weakest trait,
and I have always had an intense need to help others. It's almost a handicap. It's so much easier to be nice and say yes, than to reject and say no.

I think that as much as it feels easier, ultimately lacking boundaries does a disservice to you and them. If you are suffering from it then your true friends wouldn't want that from you. Take it on a step-by-step basis if you need to, making compromises. But I suggest figuring out what you need and then establishing a hard boundary that you do not budge on. If they try to push the boundary after you communicate to them why it is necessary then they aren't worth having in your life.

I notice that others around me are most concerned with themselves and theirs. They get free help and support from me, but I rarely get it back now.

Have you communicated that you need more support? While relationships aren't transactional they are reciprocal. And if your needs aren't being met in a relationship then it is okay to search for different relationships with people who can have that reciprocity with you.

I would like to learn to say no, but do not know how?

I don't know if my suggestions will work for you or are helpful at this point but there are a lot of ways to go about this. I am wishing you the best!

 

[everydayiloveyou]

It might help to think about why you always say "yes." Like, what would happen if you did say no?

The reality is that usually, if you say no, the other person will be kinda bummed out but nothing of any significance will happen. Such as when you tell a customer they can't have a discount, or you tell a homeless person you don't have money.

Are you afraid that people will actually have an extreme reaction to your "no"?

Or maybe you enjoy doing favors, because you feel like if you don't do favors for others, they will dislike you or not find any worth in you?

Did you have a bad experience with saying "no"? Such as parents insisting you do things their way and punishing you if you don't?

preparing scripts won't help if your fear is that people won't like you if you say no. It also won't help to be more selfish if you are more afraid of the consequences that saying no has on you rather than how it makes others feel.

I have trouble saying no too, I had such a hard time with it when I worked customer service. These days I can identify that as a result of my fear of criticism and people disliking me. It helps to say no now that I understand that saying "no" one time doesn't erase all of my "yes"-es, and if someone gets mad at me for saying no once, that says more about them than it does about me. I still say yes more often than not, because I enjoy helping people, but I am not as incapable of saying no in situations where helping would put me in a bind (e.g. going to work early or covering a shift when I had homework due that same day, or already worked a full week)

 

[Susannah]

It might help to think about why you always say "yes." Like, what would happen if you did say no?

The reality is that usually, if you say no, the other person will be kinda bummed out but nothing of any significance will happen. Such as when you tell a customer they can't have a discount, or you tell a homeless person you don't have money.

Are you afraid that people will actually have an extreme reaction to your "no"?

Maybe you're into something here. In 2012, I had a mental breakdown. I've had an abortian, my boyfriend broke up, and I was qutting down on Efexor (Venlafaxine). I went to a psychiatrist. He thought I had to set boundaries, and I was given the task of telling my loved ones that I needed peace and being alone. So I did. I also turned off my cell phone. People around me got so worried that I actually ended up with the police at the door, and was forcibly admitted for 3 weeks.

Or maybe you enjoy doing favors, because you feel like if you don't do favors for others, they will dislike you or not find any worth in you?

Did you have a bad experience with saying "no"? Such as parents insisting you do things their way and punishing you if you don't?

preparing scripts won't help if your fear is that people won't like you if you say no. It also won't help to be more selfish if you are more afraid of the consequences that saying no has on you rather than how it makes others feel.

I have trouble saying no too, I had such a hard time with it when I worked customer service. These days I can identify that as a result of my fear of criticism and people disliking me. It helps to say no now that I understand that saying "no" one time doesn't erase all of my "yes"-es, and if someone gets mad at me for saying no once, that says more about them than it does about me. I still say yes more often than not, because I enjoy helping people, but I am not as incapable of saying no in situations where helping would put me in a bind (e.g. going to work early or covering a shift when I had homework due that same day, or already worked a full week)

 

[Tegan_sky]

I notice that others around me are most concerned with themselves and theirs. They get free help and support from me, but I rarely get it back now.

Man! Do I relate to this! I've been a doormat and people pleaser my entire life, been taken advantage of and been played for a fool. At 62 years old I am finally stopping! For what it's worth, I am drawing support by going online reading up on "people pleasing", reading "Language of Letting Go" by codependent author Melody Beattie, plus I have now started attending Codependents Anonymous meetings online. People pleasing, wanting to be liked, afraid of abandonment, if I say "no," they will leave me. I just can say I relate, but it's not just Codependent oriented things I am drawing support from. Look up supportive articles by searching for the words "people pleaser" and "boundaries," and "saying no."

All this for me, gets into the expectations of others. And for me, yes, people who have been used to me being a doormat who always "helps," when I stop, they don't like it. Well, this "helping" has been one of the things that has literally been contributing to my being physically ill. And like you, I have gotten NO help from the people I have helped so much, when I have been the one in need.

All I can say, look up supportive articles about this, and take screen shots if you have to, to refer back to if you need that support again. A few months ago I started a new folder on my laptop...and I named the folder "Start saying NO." That folder is now pretty full. LOL

I wish you the very best in starting to take care of YOU, and you deserve to take care of YOU.

 

[netrezven]

When people crossed boundaries i can't stand anymore, I just forget about them and never ever care. If those are relatives and I have too see them for rare occasions, just play dumb and don't talk.

 

[Susannah]

When people crossed boundaries i can't stand anymore, I just forget about them and never ever care. If those are relatives and I have too see them for rare occasions, just play dumb and don't talk.

Yeah, I wish I started "boundaring" when I was younger (44y now), but I have a crazy past, and a crazy mum who, on top of her hysterical personality, have Parkinsons disease, late stage, so it's impossible not to be "eaten up".

My best advice in life: Learn to say NO. Set boundaries early in life.

Lots of loveS

 

[stellabelle]

Boundaries are my weakest trait,
and I have always had an intense need to help others. It's almost a handicap. It's so much easier to be nice and say yes, than to reject and say no.

I notice that others around me are most concerned with themselves and theirs. They get free help and support from me, but I rarely get it back now.

I would like to learn to say no, but do not know how?

Lots of loveS

I've attempted to "set boundaries" only to have them ignored, screamed, or physically forced away. Not cool.

People are so selfish.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I have had this problem my entire life and was only made aware of it recently when it was basically too late. I let people run all over me and take advantage of me. Probably the main reason I'm here at this forum. But I digress.

There's lots of books on the subject. But as somebody mentioned, taking a pause if somebody asked you for a favor, allowing yourself time to digest the request and whether it is you really wanna do what it is you're being asked. I know it's extremely difficult to say no. Very very difficult.
You feel like you need to come up with some excuse. You were never taught to say no. You can actually say no, "I don't feel like it " or "I don't want to. "
I know that sounds crazy but it's true. You just don't want to let people down. You want people to like you. You want to be loved. Feels good to please people. But you can end up destroying yourself in the process as I have. Learn to say no!