Help How to reduce pain for loved ones?

[Rocksandsand]

I get that suicide is always going to be hideous for those left behind. I guess I am looking for advice from people who have had an experience of intense grief or suicide by a loved one on what can be done to minimise the pain. Obviously there's notes, but what else? I have my dad and my older brother who I will be leaving behind. I want to hurt them as little as possible.

Any advice, SS lovelies?

 

[Stan]

To be honest I don't think you can . My cousin took his own life 10 years ago and his brother that he was extremely close to still feels it today. Its going to depend on the emotional sensitivity of that surviving individual(s), how much your lives are currently intertwined and whether it was a complete surprise to them. Your dad will be thinking that old saying that a parent should never bury their child as that's what I would be thinking. I know none of that helps and I personally am in a different situation that their lives will be far from ruined. But its never going to be easy for them and the thought process about it will just add to your current woes

 

[Rocksandsand]

I was thinking the same thing about my dad. I'm extremely close with my brother but he doesn't know about how I am going now. I haven't told anyone because I don't want to be stopped. I feel like there is no note, no delayed email, no gesture, that will lessen any of the pain.


@Dead beat dad I could use some of your worldly advice

 

[Stan]

I was thinking the same thing about my dad. I'm extremely close with my brother but he doesn't know about how I am going now. I haven't told anyone because I don't want to be stopped. I feel like there is no note, no delayed email, no gesture, that will lessen any of the pain.

I can only give you my opinion but not leaving a note would be worse if you have close ones such as your brother. There are resources about leaving notes and they are useful. Not leaving a note only creates a vacuum of knowledge and understanding which they could fill with things that makes the situation worse. Things such as 'its not your fault and there was nothing you could have done' seems to be a common theme

 

[Rocksandsand]

@Stan I've drafted a few - they seem so inadequate. I'm also very aware that the police will probably take them and give my family photocopies. I have email addresses of a fair few members of the police force and I was going to email them in hope that it lessens the need for them to seize the notes...

Urgh why is dying so fucking complicated

 

[wendydong1]

@Stan I've drafted a few - they seem so inadequate. I'm also very aware that the police will probably take them and give my family photocopies. I have email addresses of a fair few members of the police force and I was going to email them in hope that it lessens the need for them to seize the notes...

Urgh why is dying so fucking complicated

Can you stash your original copy in a PO box and leave the spare keys with your dad?

@Stan I've drafted a few - they seem so inadequate. I'm also very aware that the police will probably take them and give my family photocopies. I have email addresses of a fair few members of the police force and I was going to email them in hope that it lessens the need for them to seize the notes...

Urgh why is dying so fucking complicated

I have been planning my ctb like planning a wedding.

Then I saw the video I posted today, and realize that I am over-planning it...

Nothing in life goes as you planned... Why would it stop after your death?

 

[Stan]

@Stan I've drafted a few - they seem so inadequate. I'm also very aware that the police will probably take them and give my family photocopies. I have email addresses of a fair few members of the police force and I was going to email them in hope that it lessens the need for them to seize the notes...

Urgh why is dying so fucking complicated

I don't think notes will ever answer all the questions and resolve the angst they have. How I am sending my originals is actually how I have come to a date. I am going to post them on the lowest level of postal charge which for me means posting it on a friday so the originals wont get to their home address until tuesday. They will also get delayed emails from me with the notes attached as files. But regardless of your requests it will probably be procedure to take the originals for forensics etc

 

[LastFlowers]

My passing won't be hurting anyone so I'm not sure what you could do..to be honest if they truly care about you, there is probably nothing you can do that will make it any easier on them.
Just as there may be nothing you can do to make your life any easier on yourself, enough so not to take it.

 

[nothingleft]

That's the bane of my existence, honestly. I wish there was a way to convince my mom that after all of these expensive, intensive treatments that have failed, a peaceful death would not be so bad. My final option for treating this depression will involve 2 hour long ketamine infusions for the rest of my life. They are extremely expensive and not covered by insurance. I am not sure I can live with that. I don't want to do this to my family. I don't want to die that much, but it almost seems kinder in a fucked up way.

 

[Rocksandsand]

That's the bane of my existence, honestly. I wish there was a way to convince my mom that after all of these expensive, intensive treatments that have failed, a peaceful death would not be so bad. My final option for treating this depression will involve 2 hour long ketamine infusions for the rest of my life. They are extremely expensive and not covered by insurance. I am not sure I can live with that. I don't want to do this to my family. I don't want to die that much, but it almost seems kinder in a fucked up way.

I am at the level of ketamine too! It's so hard to find in Australia urgh

 

[nothingleft]

I am at the level of ketamine too! It's so hard to find in Australia urgh

I really hope it works for you

 

[Rocksandsand]

I really hope it works for you

It's only at the point of trials in Australia to my knowledge. So ongoing treatment is really hard to access

 

[Fragile]

i'm also in a similar situation in terms of being close to some family members and not wanting to hurt them.

one thing that i'm making peace with is the fact that no matter what i do, it will suck for years and years for them anyway. but i do have some advice.
people are more accepting of this kind of decisions when they know you are in deep pain or suffering from something, specially physical conditions but also from addictions or trauma, so you can blame drugs or some sort of illnesses in your letter and maybe that will make them empathize with you and somehow they will think that even if you are no longer alive, at least you are not suffering.

you should also make it very clear in you letter that they are in no way guilty and they were the only thing making your life less painful, the most common thing after a suicide is a sense of guilt from those left behind. making them feel less guit will significantly shorten the grieving process but that's really complicated.

 

[Morphinekiss]

Nothing will reduce the pain, and it will come in waves. Ultimately you are not responsible for their grief, as everyone experiences it differently. One thing that has helped me cope with my brother's suicide over the years are his belongings. I know people tend to want to get rid of everything before they ctb, but having things of his has helped me still feel connected. I sleep in his old nirvana shirts, I still have a cassette player so I can listen to his mixtapes, his art journals are in my bookshelf, etc. I know his letters helped my parents a lot, because he had hid a lot from them, but they still mourn him, less openly as the years have gone by, but it's still there.

 

[SelfHatingAspie]

It's only at the point of trials in Australia to my knowledge. So ongoing treatment is really hard to access

My understanding is that it may be slightly easier to go onto a ketamine trial if you happen to live in certain places. A quick Google brought up a link looking for trial participants in Sydney, Melbourne and the Gold Coast (search "ketamine for adult depression study black dog"). I also understand there is a similar (but unrelated) trial happening in Adelaide.

As for the original topic, I probably can't add anything there. Mainly because I have very similar concerns about the effects my ctb may have on loved ones. I've toyed with the idea of either making an audio recording or a video to explain myself, and to let certain people know that there is/was no way to stop this from occurring. Although I'm worried that seeing/hearing me might make things worse. There's also the minor issue that my strongest form of communication is written, and it can take me many drafts before I'm able to express my thoughts in a clear and satisfactory manner.

I hope you're able to find some good answers to your question, as I may have to crib from you.

 

[Throwaway9787]

My aunt shot herself with a shotgun. It really hurt my mom, obviously. But I think it could have been easier on her had my mom known her method was less violent and more peaceful, say with N. So that's a possible way to make it easier on loved ones. That paired with a note that absorbs all the blame that your loved ones could place on themselves.

 

[peaceminusbts]

@Stan I've drafted a few - they seem so inadequate. I'm also very aware that the police will probably take them and give my family photocopies. I have email addresses of a fair few members of the police force and I was going to email them in hope that it lessens the need for them to seize the notes...

Urgh why is dying so fucking complicated

"Urgh why is dying so fucking complicated" I feel you.

 

[Rachel74]

Nothing can reduce the pain they will feel at losing you, I am very fortunate that my family know me and my desire to be pain free so if I did ctb they would not be surprised by it. I have always said when I do go no one will know and no letters will be left. My funeral they all know my wishes and where my money will be donated.