How to recover when I'm suicidal because I'm actually a shitty person?

[Sewing]

It's not all in my head. I hated myself before all this but I fulfilled the prophecy by being the biggest piece of shit imaginable for the past few years. Cheating, drama, associating with horrible people who have harmed others, even getting to the level of unintentionally traumatizing someone. What does recovery even look like for someone like me? I know for a fact 90% of people would want me dead. I can't say any of it has been worth it. I crashed and burned early and now I'm in for a long road of a life that seems completely pointless.
No matter what I do it will never be enough and I can't see myself being ok with my life or myself any time soon.

 

[ipmanwc0]

Self hatred isn't helpful. What is is becoming a better person and making it up to them or other people

 

[pelicanportal]

Recover by not doing those thing going forward. Redemption. Those things aren't good but not bad enough to be irredeemable. I believe in you OP.