How to reconcile love and wanting to die?

[blackestofbile]

I'm deeply in love with my husband of many years, and he is deeply in love with me. My mom loves me unconditionally. My grandmas, sister, brother, friends love me. I know all these people would be utterly devastated if I were to die, and would become broken if I committed suicide. Unfortunately, I've had suicidal ideations for most of my life (starting over 20 years ago). Suicide is how I've always known I would die. I've trudged through life for long enough, feeling a sense of duty to other people, but I'm not sure I can do it anymore. I know I don't want to do it anymore. I'm ready to go. I just about have a solid plan after a lot of research. But, thinking of the people that love me holds me back. I need to know if they'll be ok. I want to prepare them, without giving myself away. Anyone have similar struggles and have any suggestions?

 

[Silvermorning]

Personally speaking, you can't. You just suck it, do the sacrifice and live for others. It's the situation i find myself in with my father, my only living relative left. We have endured pain from a young age, we can endure x years more of suffering.

Its not a joy ride, thats for sure, but love never is.

In my case i just dont know how much time i have left, my father is a 75 years old man with several strokes already and now covid popping up everywhere. I'm ready to die, but it's distressing not knowing "when" will it be, i'm making my peace with it.

 

[specklenought]

I guess two things can be true at once, maybe they dont need to be reconciled?

I feel like nothing I do could prepare people that love me for my death, in the same way that nothing prepared me for when people I loved CTB'd. I feel like there is no note, no message, no act that makes up for leaving them or that will ease that pain. Sometimes it makes me want to not do the note thing at all. Leave no explanation Because how can I prepare them? How could I be prepared if the situation was on me?

I guess what I'm saying is I'm trying to accept the harm I will cause, I'm trying to accept I will cause feelings of pain and grief and maybe even anger because to them it could be seen as selfish. But I try to remind myself "the practice of love offers no place of safety"

 

[blackestofbile]

Personally speaking, you can't. You just suck it, do the sacrifice and live for others. It's the situation i find myself in with my father, my only living relative left. We have endured pain from a young age, we can endure x years more of suffering.

Its not a joy ride, thats for sure, but love never is.

In my case i just dont know how much time i have left, my father is a 75 years old man with several strokes already and now covid popping up everywhere. I'm ready to die, but it's distressing not knowing "when" will it be, i'm making my peace with it.

Thank you for sharing your story. I feel like I'm ready to go, but the ties that bind are too strong. I also feel like I don't have much of a choice but to continue existing in order to spare the feelings of others, knowing that it won't (can't) be forever.

I guess two things can be true at once, maybe they dont need to be reconciled?

I feel like nothing I do could prepare people that love me for my death, in the same way that nothing prepared me for when people I loved CTB'd. I feel like there is no note, no message, no act that makes up for leaving them or that will ease that pain. Sometimes it makes me want to not do the note thing at all. Leave no explanation Because how can I prepare them? How could I be prepared if the situation was on me?

I guess what I'm saying is I'm trying to accept the harm I will cause, I'm trying to accept I will cause feelings of pain and grief and maybe even anger because to them it could be seen as selfish. But I try to remind myself "the practice of love offers no place of safety"

Ugh, I've gone back and forth on the note idea too. There's absolutely nothing I could say that would be sufficient, and maybe even trying would make it somehow worse? But then it feels like a final act of selfishness to not even bother to write down something. Catch 22 I suppose.

 

[Dark Spring]

I believe that it is not possible to avoid pain in the people you love and I don't know if there is any way to prepare them for your departure, but I think I would try to make a note or something like that explaining that ctb was a decision made by myself and that none of them were responsible for this decision, I would tell them how much I love them and that it was hard to make that decision because I didn't want to hurt them. I know that it will not be easy for anyone, but I think that with a note I could remove some uncertainty from those who do not know the reason for the decision taken

 

[raindrops]

Personally speaking, you can't. You just suck it, do the sacrifice and live for others. It's the situation i find myself in with my father, my only living relative left. We have endured pain from a young age, we can endure x years more of suffering.

Its not a joy ride, thats for sure, but love never is.

In my case i just dont know how much time i have left, my father is a 75 years old man with several strokes already and now covid popping up everywhere. I'm ready to die, but it's distressing not knowing "when" will it be, i'm making my peace with it.

just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and sending hugs too
i can sort of relate, i only have one family member too, my grandmother she means the world to me so glad i have her.
i think we're strong because of these amazing people by our side still.

I'm deeply in love with my husband of many years, and he is deeply in love with me. My mom loves me unconditionally. My grandmas, sister, brother, friends love me. I know all these people would be utterly devastated if I were to die, and would become broken if I committed suicide. Unfortunately, I've had suicidal ideations for most of my life (starting over 20 years ago). Suicide is how I've always known I would die. I've trudged through life for long enough, feeling a sense of duty to other people, but I'm not sure I can do it anymore. I know I don't want to do it anymore. I'm ready to go. I just about have a solid plan after a lot of research. But, thinking of the people that love me holds me back. I need to know if they'll be ok. I want to prepare them, without giving myself away. Anyone have similar struggles and have any suggestions?

im happy you have these people around, you're lucky.
i hope you find the happiness you want though
hugs