Nien
Futility
- Jul 5, 2018
- 13
Until recently, I thought I was adamant and firm on ending my life. It seemed like a foregone conclusion. However, after some awful realizations and rumination, I have begun to doubt.
I think of everything that I will miss out on in this life if I end it. I will never have a wife nor experience that romantic love. I will never have my own child. I will never achieve anything or make a mark on this world. My name will be forgotten. I will never again experience fellowship with friends. I will never again experience the joy of playing my favorite video games or playing the many I still have yet to do. I will never see the progress and innovation the future holds. And much, much more.
After realizing this, though, I also realized that I would no longer experience all the bad the world holds, which probably outweighs the good. No more pain. I won't have to see any of my family die. I won't have to undergo anymore disappointment. I will no longer have to live with my past failings that I can't reverse. And much more.
However, despite this, I still can't shake the feeling that I will be missing out on so much if I CTB. Now, I feel trapped and lost. On the one hand, if I CTB, I'll miss out on so much. On the other hand, if I don't, I must put up with this grueling existence, complete with all the good, but also all the bad. How can I overcome this feeling of missing out and push to the end?
I think of everything that I will miss out on in this life if I end it. I will never have a wife nor experience that romantic love. I will never have my own child. I will never achieve anything or make a mark on this world. My name will be forgotten. I will never again experience fellowship with friends. I will never again experience the joy of playing my favorite video games or playing the many I still have yet to do. I will never see the progress and innovation the future holds. And much, much more.
After realizing this, though, I also realized that I would no longer experience all the bad the world holds, which probably outweighs the good. No more pain. I won't have to see any of my family die. I won't have to undergo anymore disappointment. I will no longer have to live with my past failings that I can't reverse. And much more.
However, despite this, I still can't shake the feeling that I will be missing out on so much if I CTB. Now, I feel trapped and lost. On the one hand, if I CTB, I'll miss out on so much. On the other hand, if I don't, I must put up with this grueling existence, complete with all the good, but also all the bad. How can I overcome this feeling of missing out and push to the end?