Help How to not get overly emotional when writing a suicide note?

[PxB]

So I'm write a long note where I list all of the traumatic experiences I have. I decided to make it an autobiography so people who read will understand in detail on why I did it. I did this so whenever I'm ready, I won't have to worry about writing a note.

But there's a problem, I can't finish it because I got way too emotional. Trying to recall painful memories hurts so much that it raised my heartbeat to the point that I'm too shook to write it down.

 

[wljourney]

You may be retraumatizing yourself by writing all this down and reliving your past experiences.
I am all for processing but it may not be the healthiest and safest way to do this.

Then again, IME, very few therapists are well experienced in trauma therapy and cut you off at the worst moments in order to "not retraumatize you", giving one the feeling that they don't want to hear it.

Maybe try and go less into the nitty gritty details. Take breaks to allow yourself to process what was done to you. It might take some time, you may not even finish it, if it gets too much.

IME people don't want to read all of the details, even if they want to understand why you chose to CTB. They will eventually come up with an explanation that suits them and that they can understand. Which isn't always the truth that you have lived.

It's a self-protecting mechanism often used when the truth would be too painful or overwhelming.

 

[PxB]

You may be retraumatizing yourself by writing all this down and reliving your past experiences.
I am all for processing but it may not be the healthiest and safest way to do this.

Then again, IME, very few therapists are well experienced in trauma therapy and cut you off at the worst moments in order to "not retraumatize you", giving one the feeling that they don't want to hear it.

Maybe try and go less into the nitty gritty details. Take breaks to allow yourself to process what was done to you. It might take some time, you may not even finish it, if it gets too much.

IME people don't want to read all of the details, even if they want to understand why you chose to CTB. They will eventually come up with an explanation that suits them and that they can understand. Which isn't always the truth that you have lived.

It's a self-protecting mechanism often used when the truth would be too painful or overwhelming.

I think I figured it out. I just took 1000 mgs of paracetamol for a headache right now and I noticed that it made me more non emotionally reactive. I searched on google to confirm if it's true:


I think I may be able to write my life down on paper without flinching now.

 

[FogFilledLife]

Be realistic. Who will read the note? Will they care about what you're writing? Can what you're saying be shortened?

Frankly, I'm not gonna write one. If I do, it'll be a quick 'Killing myself.' or ':).'

 

[Seeking_Peace]

Same here, not writing one. It's actually rare for a note to be left. Fuck closure.

 

[NOloveNOpain]

I have just wrote a small album. I enjoy writing music and this I'm hoping will be the perfect way to say goodbye

 

[PxB]

Be realistic. Who will read the note? Will they care about what you're writing? Can what you're saying be shortened?

Frankly, I'm not gonna write one. If I do, it'll be a quick 'Killing myself.' or ':).'

I always think that people in this year may not read it, but maybe thousands of years later an archeologist will accidentally find it and it will become a sensation and it will change the world forever. Just like marcus Aurelius' meditations, he kept it for himself, no one read it at the time, but thousands of years later, we found his note and changed many people's lives!

 

[Cathy Ames]

I always think that people in this year may not read it, but maybe thousands of years later an archeologist will accidentally find it and it will become a sensation and it will change the world forever. Just like marcus Aurelius' meditations, he kept it for himself, no one read it at the time, but thousands of years later, we found his note and changed many people's lives!

I think doing it might help YOU, too.

 

[FogFilledLife]

I always think that people in this year may not read it, but maybe thousands of years later an archeologist will accidentally find it and it will become a sensation and it will change the world forever. Just like marcus Aurelius' meditations, he kept it for himself, no one read it at the time, but thousands of years later, we found his note and changed many people's lives!

Not gonna happen.

 

[WearyHSP]

I have such a deep (dysfunctional) need to tell my story that it's the main reason I haven't ctb'd yet.

I wish I could let it go - the need to have at least one person know what happened to me and hear my story. Not being heard is a main component of childhood abuse, which is why it feels so important.
But, everything I want to say is blaming. Do I really want my memory to be my bitter rantings about my family's cruelty? They're going to think whatever they choose (as they always have.) they won't suddenly understand how they affected the sad trajectory of my life. They won't look within.

But of course if they cared, they wouldn't STILL be be doing and saying cruel things to me. So it's a ridiculous fantasy.

PxB, I'm not commenting on you. Your writing might be very therapeutic.
Mine is a fantasy of someday being heard. I even took a college memoir writing class and wrote 6 essays on traumatic experiences. Well. some of my classmates were forced to read them, but that's not exactly what I'm talking about re: being heard.

I feel really stuck in this obsession. I don't know how to let it go and then I feel guilty imagining how it would hurt them if I said the truth.