FieldsofLavender
how real is joy, anyway?...
- Feb 7, 2023
- 124
I've been trying to do more, trying to live despite the constant daily want to CTB. I attempted again last month, which makes another year with a couple attempts. My friends were saying that they were going to force me into another facility, but I pretty much begged them not to. I have not had good experiences with the ones I've been to, and I don't know anyone who has really. But also, this month some friends of mine who didn't know about the attempt were hoping to work with me on a new project, and I wouldn't be able to from inside a ward.
This month I've been trying to work hard on the project, but it's been going so slowly, it feels like I've been falling further and further behind. I freaked out a lot about it today, the anxiety has been building and building, and earlier it just broke and I started pacing and smashing my forehead on the ground. It feels like everything is so wildly difficult, I can barely work, I can barely play, I feel like every day all I can do is lie and rot. Before the project I was just doing that every day, I try to make art and work and do what I enjoy but I just can't, it rips me to pieces and leaves me panicked and miserable. I can't do anything I enjoy, and now and then people will tell me to go back on my meds and I do and it just leaves me feeling like a zombie and really doesn't fix anything. I've gone through so many different meds, I'm so tired of living in the leeches and bloodletting phase of psychiatry, I just want it to be over but I know that the people around me would prefer I be around.
I'm trying to take solace in my interests and loves but it just feels like everything is far too difficult to be worth it, and it feels like the medical treatment I've been bouncing between since I was a kid has done nothing for me. This happened when I tried to do college too, I flunked out of my first semester because every day I would just hide and sob in the bathrooms, overwhelmed with being surrounded by people and by seemingly just trying to do what I want to do. My therapist is trying to get me to move out of the country to somewhere safer, but I completely shut down when faced with the paperwork. I feel like it takes all my energy just to keep myself from blowing apart, it feels like the slightest bit of effort needed for the things I want and enjoy completely burnts me out.
Tomorrow I'm going to get up and force myself back into the grind, and I'll likely keep pushing until I have a come apart and start to self destruct again, but I just... How do I make everything less difficult? It gets harder by the day, I'm not fit to run on an ever-quickening treadmill... I have friends, I have a partner, I realistically have enough. Why is it all so hard?
This month I've been trying to work hard on the project, but it's been going so slowly, it feels like I've been falling further and further behind. I freaked out a lot about it today, the anxiety has been building and building, and earlier it just broke and I started pacing and smashing my forehead on the ground. It feels like everything is so wildly difficult, I can barely work, I can barely play, I feel like every day all I can do is lie and rot. Before the project I was just doing that every day, I try to make art and work and do what I enjoy but I just can't, it rips me to pieces and leaves me panicked and miserable. I can't do anything I enjoy, and now and then people will tell me to go back on my meds and I do and it just leaves me feeling like a zombie and really doesn't fix anything. I've gone through so many different meds, I'm so tired of living in the leeches and bloodletting phase of psychiatry, I just want it to be over but I know that the people around me would prefer I be around.
I'm trying to take solace in my interests and loves but it just feels like everything is far too difficult to be worth it, and it feels like the medical treatment I've been bouncing between since I was a kid has done nothing for me. This happened when I tried to do college too, I flunked out of my first semester because every day I would just hide and sob in the bathrooms, overwhelmed with being surrounded by people and by seemingly just trying to do what I want to do. My therapist is trying to get me to move out of the country to somewhere safer, but I completely shut down when faced with the paperwork. I feel like it takes all my energy just to keep myself from blowing apart, it feels like the slightest bit of effort needed for the things I want and enjoy completely burnts me out.
Tomorrow I'm going to get up and force myself back into the grind, and I'll likely keep pushing until I have a come apart and start to self destruct again, but I just... How do I make everything less difficult? It gets harder by the day, I'm not fit to run on an ever-quickening treadmill... I have friends, I have a partner, I realistically have enough. Why is it all so hard?
