Venting how to make friends as a socially awkward adult

[philia]

i'm 19 years old and i've had social anxiety ever since i can remember even existing, and now i realize how much it fucked my life up to not do anything about it and decide to not try to talk.
people my age are always hanging out and doing drugs and i wish i could as well. i just can't interact with anyone, it makes me panic and feel judged... i feel like such a loser.
recently i hung out with someone in real life and i just couldn't say anything, they had to do all the work and figure out what to talk about because i never truly learned how to have a conversation. i want to be a social person and have lots of friends, drink with them and stuff, maybe get a partner, but i'm incapable.
any tips?

 

[pharma]

hi, fellow impossibly awkward here adult i don't have any friends anymore and i've been keeping it that way for a while, but what really helps me talk to people is realizing that most other people are naturally social and willing to talk to other people, even its about random stuff. not everyone shares our fatalistic worldview. if you don't know what to talk about the best thing to do is let the other person talk for you. i usually fill up awkward silences with questions. asking questions is great, especially if you're talking to people who are extroverted. generally people love talking about themselves. i'm exceptionally quiet, i have no friends, but when people walk up to me and ask me about something they saw me reading it becomes easier to talk. in return i ask them about their own interests, so on. sometimes you have to make the first move. forming friendships over interests and hobbies the way to go, especially if you can go to clubs or support groups :)

 

[Fwompje]

It takes a lot of practice. Getting a job in which I needed to talk made it a lot easier. At a certain point you just learn things by observing other people and eventually it can come naturally. It's just a lot of work and a lot of time. My social anxiety was at its worst when I was 16-18. I'm now 23 and finally feel comfortable enough talking to random strangers and I even find myself casually making jokes without having to think about it. Talking online a lot also helps with figring out what to say in certain situations. You gotta put yourself out there.

Now mind you, I still experience social anxiety, I'd rather die than go to a bar alone but the more you work on it, the more uncomfrtable situations you get put in, the faster you grow.

 

[Kasumi]

people my age are always hanging out and doing drugs and i wish i could as well.

Firstly, I don't think that's such a bad thing... to not do drugs with your friends I mean.

mhhh, generally, I'd say the way to make friends is to start talking about something you like, the bigger problem is how to even get close enough to them to start a conversation imo.
It might be easier to make friends online just for the fact that you can meet so many people in almost any activity online and they usually already involve chatting as it's the only form of interaction online.

I have a hard time making friends irl too, due to the fact that I don't feel like I can trust the people I meet.
But I don't actually have a problem to keep a conversation with someone once it started, so I'm not sure of how much help my experiences can be to you.

 

[philia]

hi, fellow impossibly awkward here adult i don't have any friends anymore and i've been keeping it that way for a while, but what really helps me talk to people is realizing that most other people are naturally social and willing to talk to other people, even its about random stuff. not everyone shares our fatalistic worldview. if you don't know what to talk about the best thing to do is let the other person talk for you. i usually fill up awkward silences with questions. asking questions is great, especially if you're talking to people who are extroverted. generally people love talking about themselves. i'm exceptionally quiet, i have no friends, but when people walk up to me and ask me about something they saw me reading it becomes easier to talk. in return i ask them about their own interests, so on. sometimes you have to make the first move. forming friendships over interests and hobbies the way to go, especially if you can go to clubs or support groups :)

i just feel like it's too late to learn now how to befriend people, i'm scared people will realize how awkward i am at my grown age and think i'm weird and all that. i am terrified of coming up to people and say hi, even online. no one ever comes up to me either, i don't think anyone would look at me and think i'm interesting (and i am not). it's so hard to deal with this because i do want friends but i'm such a dumbass and have no confidence at all :(

Firstly, I don't think that's such a bad thing... to not do drugs with your friends I mean.

mhhh, generally, I'd say the way to make friends is to start talking about something you like, the bigger problem is how to even get close enough to them to start a conversation imo.
It might be easier to make friends online just for the fact that you can meet so many people in almost any activity online and they usually already involve chatting as it's the only form of interaction online.

I have a hard time making friends irl too, due to the fact that I don't feel like I can trust the people I meet.
But I don't actually have a problem to keep a conversation with someone once it started, so I'm not sure of how much help my experiences can be to you.

i know it's really dumb but i want to look cool and laid back, and most cool people i know smoke T_T it could lead to bonding, like, smoking with friends seems like it would be cool idk…

 

[pharma]

i just feel like it's too late to learn now how to befriend people, i'm scared people will realize how awkward i am at my grown age and think i'm weird and all that. i am terrified of coming up to people and say hi, even online. no one ever comes up to me either, i don't think anyone would look at me and think i'm interesting (and i am not). it's so hard to deal with this because i do want friends but i'm such a dumbass and have no confidence at all :(

i know it's really dumb but i want to look cool and laid back, and most cool people i know smoke T_T it could lead to bonding, like, smoking with friends seems like it would be cool idk…

yeah i totally get that feeling of thinking its too late. but at the end of the day we're all on our own journey. it's also about risk. the worst that can happen when you talk to someone is that they ghost you, and as someone who is accustomed to rejection in SUCKS but whenever i strike it up with someone, it's good. again, i haven't have friends in a while, but friends are the people who should love you for being weird or ordinary.
about the smoking, you can try it and use it strike up conversation (ask for a light, ask for a cig recommendation etc). since you're both smoking, conversation won't have to be a necessity. but it can still turn into a routine. friendships obv don't happen overnight, but they spring up from routine and sharing, so you can always start small. talking to people online might be easier. all of the internet friends i've had were people that messaged me about the most random shit lol. your really never know without try. good luck :)

 

[hungry_ghost]

A bit of "exposure therapy" helped me learn that socializing really isn't as difficult as we make it out to be in our heads.

The vast majority of people are pretty much easily amused/moved by reasonable banter and politeness.

The next time you hang out with someone, maybe ask them a random question, and see how they respond.

"Hey, this is random, but have you ever seen this show? What do you think about it?"

If you want to seem cool, confident, casual, you could even repeat affirmations to yourself that help you to believe exactly that.

And here's the thing: fearing what people think is absolutely pointless, because there will always be someone judging you one way or another - you have no control over that.

The only thing you can control is how you respond to it.

 

[Kasumi]

i know it's really dumb but i want to look cool and laid back, and most cool people i know smoke T_T it could lead to bonding, like, smoking with friends seems like it would be cool idk…

Any activity you do that involves other people could lead to bonding, but you do you in the end.
Just be careful about what it is you do and inform yourself about it beforehand.
Drugs aren't always as bad as media makes them out to be, let's say weed, as long as you're an adult and your brain is already developed it's probably just fine to do that in moderation, but you should definitely do your research, as it may have more severe consequences for people with certain conditions / mental illnesses.

 

[MelancholyMagic]

Drugs aren't always as bad as media makes them out to be, let's say weed, as long as you're an adult and your brain is already developed it's probably just fine to do that in moderation, but you should definitely do your research, as it may have more severe consequences for people with certain conditions / mental illnesses.

Smoking is unhealthful irrespective of what is smoked.

 

[MentalStefan]

Hello, socially awkward aspie with social anxiety here!
("aspie" is somebody who has autistic spectrum disorder)

Firstly, it's actually a very good thing that you're not doing drugs. Believe me, doing drugs is not a good idea, especially for people with social anxiety and/or other mental health ilness. Nowadays lots of people tend to romanticise them and ignore the dangers of drug abuse. People like us are very prone to addictions and being addicted to drugs is something you should avoid at all costs. Addiction is a terribly painful disease.

Try to find groups online which consist of people similar to you. There's a higher probability that you will find someone there. I made friends on facebook group for autistic adults. They usually don't mind the fact that I behave weirdly sometimes which is very appealing to me. I don't have many friends but it is fine.

 

[Ken Ough]

Have a lot of free time so you can attend places to make friends and have energy to do so.
Act out different interactions in your head so you have something to say no matter what situation you're in (requires a lot of free time).
Drink alcohol in order to appear normal and to speak clearly but not too much for it to be noticeable.

Unnecessary steps for most people, but for anxious ones even one mistake can lead to cringy situations. And then it won't matter if it's all in your head or others really see you as a weird one.