How to let go

[Saddad]

Hello,

I am a farther of two beautiful children and a wonderful wife. Our relationship was strong and financially sound. Dream house mortage free, good jobs, children at top schools, dream cars ect ect ect. All the trappings of success, sounds good? Then why am I here? Also why am I still here?

I am suffering like I never imagined possible. 4 months ago I found myself in a situation that has utterly destroyed my life. Unable to function in a job I know like the back of my hand, I am living in a separate property to my family I hardly see my children and when my wife visits I weep constantly.

After nearly taking the bus I let my devoted wife know who immediately sought help from the doctors and I went along with it. Ended up with me on antidepressants. They had devastating effects on my mental health. I stopped feeling anything including empathy for those around me. I ended up putting excessive pressure on my wife and alienating her. I have stopped taking them now as not only the damage it did to my marriage but it made me crave escape even more. She has had to shut down emotionally to protect her own mental health. This is damaging to me as I need my strong wife back but I have managed to break her down to this point!

She wants time and space to gather herself and to think things through. Her and the children are all that matter to me and her regular visits where precious. It's the hardest thing not to react when she wants that space like tonight. Things have gotten progressively worse as far as the situation goes and I can only see them getting even more worse. I feel the right thing to do for my family is to end it. Also for myself, I have an awful lot of suffering to come and I believe my wife will leave me as she has already discussed this with me at which point I cant help but fall apart which makes things worse.

I am a shadow of the man I was, constantly weeping and struggling every day with the thoughts of release. The pain and stress has destroyed a once proud loving man and even my wife struggles to see a way back from all of this.

I nearly committed again yesterday but my wife rang as I was preparing. When I have got close I think of all those that matter to me and their reactions after. I struggle to let go even though I've already lost it as it's just a matter of time now. It would free my family of the burden on them and me of the suffering, but I am really struggling to let it all go. I was so happy in my life but in front of me now is just an ocean of suffering and I dont want to go through it.

No one knows what comes after but I have been reading up on nde and this has given me comfort and reading of the suffering of people in a similar situation gives me the motivation. My family dont want me too but have realised that they are unable to stop me if I do.

My method is fast painless and deadly, I was around 5-10 seconds away on my attempt, but flinched.

How do I let go?

 

[Ark]

This is an all but impossible question to answer. It is different for everyone.

I know for me once I spent a lot of time evaluating everything and trying to find a way to make my life worth living, as soon as I conclusively realized that my problems will never get better I was able to talk to my family and that helped me let go.

If I had a way to make my life liveable, I would.

I am sorry for what you are going through as I know a lot of what your going through feels like.

This might not be a popular statement but, if there is any chance of pulling your family back together then fight for it with all you have before you give up.

If I had any chance of bringing the love of my life back home I would spend every painful day trying.

I support whatever you decide to find peace though.

 

[Jean4]

My partner CTB a little over a week ago. He also had children (from his ex) who were his world. He also had someone who stood by him, despite financial and medical issues, and all the people on the forum who loved and thought the world of him.

All I can say when the pain gets so great that nothing is worth fighting for, then it is time. Only you can answer that.

And when it's time, nothing will be able to stop you.

 

[isam]

Hello,

I am a farther of two beautiful children and a wonderful wife. Our relationship was strong and financially sound. Dream house mortage free, good jobs, children at top schools, dream cars ect ect ect. All the trappings of success, sounds good? Then why am I here? Also why am I still here?

I am suffering like I never imagined possible. 4 months ago I found myself in a situation that has utterly destroyed my life. Unable to function in a job I know like the back of my hand, I am living in a separate property to my family I hardly see my children and when my wife visits I weep constantly.

After nearly taking the bus I let my devoted wife know who immediately sought help from the doctors and I went along with it. Ended up with me on antidepressants. They had devastating effects on my mental health. I stopped feeling anything including empathy for those around me. I ended up putting excessive pressure on my wife and alienating her. I have stopped taking them now as not only the damage it did to my marriage but it made me crave escape even more. She has had to shut down emotionally to protect her own mental health. This is damaging to me as I need my strong wife back but I have managed to break her down to this point!

She wants time and space to gather herself and to think things through. Her and the children are all that matter to me and her regular visits where precious. It's the hardest thing not to react when she wants that space like tonight. Things have gotten progressively worse as far as the situation goes and I can only see them getting even more worse. I feel the right thing to do for my family is to end it. Also for myself, I have an awful lot of suffering to come and I believe my wife will leave me as she has already discussed this with me at which point I cant help but fall apart which makes things worse.

I am a shadow of the man I was, constantly weeping and struggling every day with the thoughts of release. The pain and stress has destroyed a once proud loving man and even my wife struggles to see a way back from all of this.

I nearly committed again yesterday but my wife rang as I was preparing. When I have got close I think of all those that matter to me and their reactions after. I struggle to let go even though I've already lost it as it's just a matter of time now. It would free my family of the burden on them and me of the suffering, but I am really struggling to let it all go. I was so happy in my life but in front of me now is just an ocean of suffering and I dont want to go through it.

No one knows what comes after but I have been reading up on nde and this has given me comfort and reading of the suffering of people in a similar situation gives me the motivation. My family dont want me too but have realised that they are unable to stop me if I do.

My method is fast painless and deadly, I was around 5-10 seconds away on my attempt, but flinched.

How do I let go?

I would like to take you in my arms and hug you strong RN. I'm sorry i have no words.

 

[realjunes]

Hello,

I am a farther of two beautiful children and a wonderful wife. Our relationship was strong and financially sound. Dream house mortage free, good jobs, children at top schools, dream cars ect ect ect. All the trappings of success, sounds good? Then why am I here? Also why am I still here?

I am suffering like I never imagined possible. 4 months ago I found myself in a situation that has utterly destroyed my life. Unable to function in a job I know like the back of my hand, I am living in a separate property to my family I hardly see my children and when my wife visits I weep constantly.

After nearly taking the bus I let my devoted wife know who immediately sought help from the doctors and I went along with it. Ended up with me on antidepressants. They had devastating effects on my mental health. I stopped feeling anything including empathy for those around me. I ended up putting excessive pressure on my wife and alienating her. I have stopped taking them now as not only the damage it did to my marriage but it made me crave escape even more. She has had to shut down emotionally to protect her own mental health. This is damaging to me as I need my strong wife back but I have managed to break her down to this point!

She wants time and space to gather herself and to think things through. Her and the children are all that matter to me and her regular visits where precious. It's the hardest thing not to react when she wants that space like tonight. Things have gotten progressively worse as far as the situation goes and I can only see them getting even more worse. I feel the right thing to do for my family is to end it. Also for myself, I have an awful lot of suffering to come and I believe my wife will leave me as she has already discussed this with me at which point I cant help but fall apart which makes things worse.

I am a shadow of the man I was, constantly weeping and struggling every day with the thoughts of release. The pain and stress has destroyed a once proud loving man and even my wife struggles to see a way back from all of this.

I nearly committed again yesterday but my wife rang as I was preparing. When I have got close I think of all those that matter to me and their reactions after. I struggle to let go even though I've already lost it as it's just a matter of time now. It would free my family of the burden on them and me of the suffering, but I am really struggling to let it all go. I was so happy in my life but in front of me now is just an ocean of suffering and I dont want to go through it.

No one knows what comes after but I have been reading up on nde and this has given me comfort and reading of the suffering of people in a similar situation gives me the motivation. My family dont want me too but have realised that they are unable to stop me if I do.

My method is fast painless and deadly, I was around 5-10 seconds away on my attempt, but flinched.

How do I let go?

Saddad,

I see that you joined us here on the SS forum just today! I am so glad you did. I noticed this is your very first post, and I have a lot of thoughts about your situation but wanted to comment quickly here and now, in hopes, you will very soon read this and the comments of the other SS members who care about you.
Once you make about 5 posts and are with us for about 24 hours, you will be able to receive and send private messages, or PMs with other members.
I say this because I feel it is important right now for you to have a place to talk and write and, if you choose, to message with others who can relate to you, in one way or another.
No one here will tell you what to do, and you are free from any judgment with us. I just hope you will hang with us and post enough to gain the PM capability, so we can be here for you and think through your situation together if you would be interested in that. We want to and do support you.

 

[isam]

And when it's time, nothing will be able to stop you.

Wow this sentence just hit me hard.
This is the sad truth.

 

[Sensei]

If you have to ask that question, your time has probably not come yet. Only you know what's best for you, but I'd think it through once more if I were you. I think you owe your children that. Besides, why not use the resource this forum is? Here you have compassionate people who share your will to die. Where else will you find people so well suited to give you advice on difficult matters?

 

[Saddad]

Thankyou for all your responses,

I have a date in mind after Christmas, but if I feel able or pushed before I will attempt again. I do have a time pressure in my situation. My Chosen method is painless and from what I have read is as pleasant as ctb can be. My genuine concern is I flinch again and the window for my method will be gone and I will be left with only a brutal option which will be much harder to accomplish. I have had the gear here and letters written for over 2 months now. My affairs are in as order as they can be without enducing too much panic from my family. Who will try and talk me out of it.

I cannot discuss candidly with my family anymore . They attempted to get me sectioned recently under the mental health act into a secure hospital. I realized what was going on in my hazed state and managed to prevent an enforced section, I left with the kind invite to voluntarily have my self committed! This hurt my wife who watched me twist my way out of that situation. The pain and upset in her eyes is something that haunts me. I have since totally discharged myself as the fear of having the safety blanket of ctb filled me with terror and I started to have what I believe is a panic attack. Sweating profusely not missed by the clinical psychiatrist.

My children are young enough for it to have a reduced impact in the event, but I do still have a feeling of guilt around leaving them, my wife and family. But so strong is the pull to escape this hurt. Also long term I will be giving them all a release.

I do not want to be remembered for how I am at the moment. A Pathetic, weak, shell of a person. I want my children if they do to remember who I was, there rock and security, a person I can no longer be. My children absolutley idolised me something I probably took for granted 4 months ago. When I have seen my children my eldest who is extremely switched on notices something is not right with daddy she senses my pain. She struggles to make eye contact and when she does briefly she can see it in my eyes and quickly looks away. I struggle to connect on the level we used too, my youngest is very clingy and wants to be as close as he can the whole time.

I weep for an hour or so once they are out of sight. It's the most wonderful, awful, beautiful, painful thing I have in my life right now.

But this is all on a downward trajectory. I have been viewing posts on here for months and spend most of my days reading on this and other related subjects. Every day trying to get my mind now to where it will inevitably be.

It's a small step to slip behind the veil but not the easiest by any measure.

It's the letting go, I just need to let it all go and slip away.

 

[realjunes]

Saddad,
Thank you so much for making your second post today with detail. It is plain to see that you are not acting impulsively and in fact have given all this a great deal of thought and are being methodical and wise in your preparation. Knowing you have been reading our forum for months, and that you have done your homework with research and reading is reassuring. It is clear you are being careful and cautious and have your affairs in as good a shape as you can, and you obviously have a time frame in your plans.
I have never had to deal with someone trying to "section" me, and I think it is a good thing you "discharged" yourself, as from what I read from others, that never works out well for our members. You already recognize you have to keep mum as much as you can, and I believe you are clever enough to make sure your "gear" and letters are concealed so they can not be removed from you in any way, or used against you.
I appreciate your post and don't feel the need to go through all the disclaimers we usually do with someone when we don't know how much thought they give a CTB.
I still invite you to post as often as you like for as long as you can, if you like. It is good to see organized thinking in action. You have my appreciation and admiration for what you have done and said and I hope we hear from you again. Be careful and take care of yourself, my new friend. We are on your side.

 

[justwhy?]

Many here dislike the presence of younger members and find it tragic. I find people such as yourself being here far more so.
You know the man you were. You have lived, achieved, loved and been loved. You have proven that you have these capacities, to yourself and others - the worth of your existence is (or at least was) indisputable.

Please remember that. I don't know what triggered this but perhaps you could be that person again, or close enough. And yes it sounds harsh but it is imprudent and self serving to imagine that your children will simply adapt well to this loss.