7Zo9T8A2
New Member
- Sep 9, 2023
- 4
I don't want what I've learned after so long helping people to be lost when I'm gone, so I'm making this post with one only hope, that helps you and helps you helping the person or people you really want to help, the people you care about.
I am not a psychologist, and I didn't even finish high school. So, this is not professional advice. This cannot and should not, by any means, be used as such.
On another note, obviously, words will take you so far. You won't make someone's physical pain disappear, nor make it better unless you can make that person laugh often, that is the only thing I've seen work at all to make their life any easier.
First, we need to remain grounded to earth. Let's not abandon all logic. You can't help someone that does not want to be helped. Do not ever think for a second you understand someone or what they are going through unless you have gone or are going through the exact same experience. I will repeat this a bit later.
You have heard it so many times, I have too. They say they understand but they truly don't. You will be more helpful acknowledging this, and letting the other person know how you can't even imagine their pain, but also letting them know that you are here, and you still want the best for them, and want to help them in any way you can.
I want you to isolate yourself and try to look inwards. Think. If you find even a tiny bit part of you that wishes this person or people you are about to help, help you as well or in return, then you are not doing this for them. You are doing this for you because you want something.
That's one of the reasons most people have reached me for help. I make it very clear that this is about them, about what they need, and they do not owe me. People are smart and complicated. You can help them see the light, but don't fool yourself thinking that they did anything because of you (or that they could have not done it without you). They would have done it on their own, that's the truth. Find value in making that road easier for them instead.
This is fundamental, because in my experience, you help in a very different way, and the process is more focused on listening to them and asking the right questions to make them arrive to a positive conclusion quicker. Instead of bringing up unasked facts about your life and experiences that will make the whole helping process more tedious and difficult.
Sometimes, when you have gone through the same experiences as the person you are trying to help, you can see clearly how some of the solutions you took helped you and in what degree, that's a great time to suggest in a not detailed way what you did and how it went / what were the results. Compacted enough to make their brain start working on solutions. Don't just shove your past through their throats because you need to let it out.
On a second note, I am no teacher. I can't teach you see the nuance or give you the emotional intelligence needed to deal with certain situations when helping people. But I can suggest some do's and don'ts. This is where my advice ends, and this short list should only be used in yourself to see what works and what doesn't for you, in your situation, to give you a head start whenever you try to help someone in your position.
Don't say just do it. Just don't say it. If it was that easy for them, they would have done it already.
Again, and I will repeat this ad infinitum. Ad nauseam, even. Do not say you understand someone unless you are going or have gone through the same experience.
If you deal with someone who has had, or has suicidal thoughts, or people who has attempted on one or multiple occasions, stop asking them if they are going to kill themselves (or if they are going to try again), don't make them feel like they need a babysitter taking care of them, so they don't harm themselves. You can start listening to what they have to say, and how they feel. Don't even have to say a word, just listen to them, be there for them.
If your emotional intelligence is low, let me put a third note. Here, on this forum, I've seen people ask users if they are going to attempt again, and that's ok because context is different. As I said, I am not a teacher or a professional, I can't teach you why, but it's not the same.
You can give simple advice like "try to dress in a way that you like, that makes you feel good", "do your nails or your hair, that makes me feel way better" or "get good at something, even if it's a bit you are already better than your past you". All this kind of stuff works for letting some positive thoughts lurk around, it can help. But do not expect this to make a huge difference.
And for the love of *(I do not believe in God or any high powers, so change the asterisk for whatever you want). Stop advising people to exercise because that will make them feel better. Everyone can benefit from physical activity and that's a well-known, well researched fact. But people, let us understand that not everyone is into fitness and that's ok. For those people, it's a mental burden. It can worsen their condition, because they are forced to do yet another thing that makes them miserable.
Remember, it was always about them, not about you.
I am not a psychologist, and I didn't even finish high school. So, this is not professional advice. This cannot and should not, by any means, be used as such.
On another note, obviously, words will take you so far. You won't make someone's physical pain disappear, nor make it better unless you can make that person laugh often, that is the only thing I've seen work at all to make their life any easier.
First, we need to remain grounded to earth. Let's not abandon all logic. You can't help someone that does not want to be helped. Do not ever think for a second you understand someone or what they are going through unless you have gone or are going through the exact same experience. I will repeat this a bit later.
You have heard it so many times, I have too. They say they understand but they truly don't. You will be more helpful acknowledging this, and letting the other person know how you can't even imagine their pain, but also letting them know that you are here, and you still want the best for them, and want to help them in any way you can.
I want you to isolate yourself and try to look inwards. Think. If you find even a tiny bit part of you that wishes this person or people you are about to help, help you as well or in return, then you are not doing this for them. You are doing this for you because you want something.
That's one of the reasons most people have reached me for help. I make it very clear that this is about them, about what they need, and they do not owe me. People are smart and complicated. You can help them see the light, but don't fool yourself thinking that they did anything because of you (or that they could have not done it without you). They would have done it on their own, that's the truth. Find value in making that road easier for them instead.
This is fundamental, because in my experience, you help in a very different way, and the process is more focused on listening to them and asking the right questions to make them arrive to a positive conclusion quicker. Instead of bringing up unasked facts about your life and experiences that will make the whole helping process more tedious and difficult.
Sometimes, when you have gone through the same experiences as the person you are trying to help, you can see clearly how some of the solutions you took helped you and in what degree, that's a great time to suggest in a not detailed way what you did and how it went / what were the results. Compacted enough to make their brain start working on solutions. Don't just shove your past through their throats because you need to let it out.
On a second note, I am no teacher. I can't teach you see the nuance or give you the emotional intelligence needed to deal with certain situations when helping people. But I can suggest some do's and don'ts. This is where my advice ends, and this short list should only be used in yourself to see what works and what doesn't for you, in your situation, to give you a head start whenever you try to help someone in your position.
Don't say just do it. Just don't say it. If it was that easy for them, they would have done it already.
Again, and I will repeat this ad infinitum. Ad nauseam, even. Do not say you understand someone unless you are going or have gone through the same experience.
If you deal with someone who has had, or has suicidal thoughts, or people who has attempted on one or multiple occasions, stop asking them if they are going to kill themselves (or if they are going to try again), don't make them feel like they need a babysitter taking care of them, so they don't harm themselves. You can start listening to what they have to say, and how they feel. Don't even have to say a word, just listen to them, be there for them.
If your emotional intelligence is low, let me put a third note. Here, on this forum, I've seen people ask users if they are going to attempt again, and that's ok because context is different. As I said, I am not a teacher or a professional, I can't teach you why, but it's not the same.
You can give simple advice like "try to dress in a way that you like, that makes you feel good", "do your nails or your hair, that makes me feel way better" or "get good at something, even if it's a bit you are already better than your past you". All this kind of stuff works for letting some positive thoughts lurk around, it can help. But do not expect this to make a huge difference.
And for the love of *(I do not believe in God or any high powers, so change the asterisk for whatever you want). Stop advising people to exercise because that will make them feel better. Everyone can benefit from physical activity and that's a well-known, well researched fact. But people, let us understand that not everyone is into fitness and that's ok. For those people, it's a mental burden. It can worsen their condition, because they are forced to do yet another thing that makes them miserable.
Remember, it was always about them, not about you.
