A

AllReturnsToNothing

I'm useless
Aug 5, 2020
222
I don't expect to get any substantial answers that will solve this problem, but I think I might as well try. I originally came to this forum because I thought I wanted to ctb. I guess on some level it still feels like that but every time I try I just can never go through with it. Plus every time I read about someone from here passing away I find myself feeling just so sad. I want to be happy for them but all I can feel is miserable. It hurts so much that we have to feel like this. I don't want to feel like this anymore. But I can't ctb. I don't know why, but I just can't. I want to get better. But I'm at an impasse.

I live in the United States. The "fuck you that's your problem figure it out yourself or die" capital of the world. I need therapy. I don't know how else I'll be able to move forward without it. I'm 21, living with my parents, unemployed and avoiding looking for another job due to my extremely poor mental health. I haven't told my parents and I don't trust that they would take it well if I told them that I'm doing so bad right now that I almost ctb'd. My parents also don't make a lot of money as is and I think the past year we've been hit particularly hard financially because my mom goes out to get groceries less these days. I have some money in reserve that was supposed to go towards saving up for a car, but I don't know how much longer I'll be unemployed for. I'm just totally stuck. I don't think I can afford therapy. Plus I imagine since the US gov has done next to nothing to combat covid therapy appointments are all online now. I don't think I can do online appointments. I need to talk to someone in person. I've felt so alone for so long and face timing over my shitty internet connection won't give me what I need.

I just don't know what to do. Please, I just need advice.
 
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Deleted member 18655

Deleted member 18655

Enlightened
Jun 4, 2020
1,422
I'm in Canada, needing to talk to someone and don't have benefits right now. My city has a COVID service with free counselling by professionals. That might be an option for you. Funding for COVID has meant more supports for mental health, in some places anyways. You might also try a college or university with a counselling program. Students need practicum hours and use members of the public for practice. Online actually has a few benefits: like talking about hard subjects in familiar surroundings and being able to see a counsellor in a different city if you need to, without having to travel.

I hope you can find a good support and begin to get the help you want. :heart:
 
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A

AllReturnsToNothing

I'm useless
Aug 5, 2020
222
I wish that putting more funding in services like mental health were the kind of thing our government would do but that just isn't the case lol. I did a quick google search of counselors in my metro area and nothing is jumping out at me. Or maybe I just need to look harder, I'm not sure. I had been wanting to go back to school at some point but I just do not think that right now is a safe time to be going back (plus classes start really soon I think). Online classes are being offered but I won't be able to do them for the aforementioned reason of lack of connection above, plus I have almost no self-motivation to do online classes lol.
 
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A

alexit

Mage
Jun 3, 2020
509
Research. That's where I start. Read about your condition. i don't mean self-help books. There are actually help mentsl health books out there. I'm a professional researcher. If you need help PM me.
 
A

AllReturnsToNothing

I'm useless
Aug 5, 2020
222
Research. That's where I start. Read about your condition. i don't mean self-help books. There are actually help mentsl health books out there. I'm a professional researcher. If you need help PM me.

If by "research" you mean "diagnosis", then I already have that covered. I have major depressive disorder, anxiety disorder, and possibly avoidant personality disorder all cultivated by an unstable and abusive childhood which possibly being on the autism spectrum doesn't help much with that either.
 
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A

alexit

Mage
Jun 3, 2020
509
If by "research" you mean "diagnosis", then I already have that covered. I have major depressive disorder, anxiety disorder, and possibly avoidant personality disorder all cultivated by an unstable and abusive childhood which possibly being on the autism spectrum doesn't help much with that either.
There are really good books on those, especially first person accounts.
 
W

Worthless_nobody

Enlightened
Feb 14, 2019
1,384
"I live in the United States. The "fuck you that's your problem figure it out yourself or die" capital of the world"...

Such an accurate statement! I'm in US too this country is terrible for actually helping or giving a damn about its citizens. My options are suffer, go in debt or die.
I have searched high and low for therapy or a psychiatrist and there are low income clinics and places I found (I guess that's dependant on your state too) if your in a blue state you will get way more help and resources like Medicaid (red states are downright evil since they didn't expand medicaid). Your still 21..are you on your parents insurance? Until I turned 26 I was on my parents insurance and therapy and Dr visits were covered. Also depending on your state there are lots of offices that have re opened and are allowing in person visits again for people who want it, my psychiatrist is one of those. I personally love the online or phone visits because I get severe anxiety out of house or in waiting rooms but I can totally understand others who prefer face to face. I would see if there are any low income clinics that offer therapy and psychiatric care. There were some in my state that were pretty reasonable priced. I hope you can find one too.
 
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nerve

nerve

fat cringey shut-in
Jun 19, 2019
1,013
If income is an issue and you're in the US, do you know whether or not you're eligible for Medicaid? I've shown up to community mental health clinics with no insurance and they actually helped me get set up with Medicaid so I could see someone there. I've also done it on my own online in a few states and it's been relatively straightforward.

This impasse is such a painful place to be and so often it can feel like the world is specifically designed to keep you where you are. I think lots of us are at this point. I know it doesn't take any of the pain away, but I see it and hear you :heart:
 
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CuddleHug

CuddleHug

Back, but with less enthusiasm. Hugs~
Feb 22, 2020
259
I know you don't want to burden your parents, but don't you think you could at least ask them? As someone else mentioned, maybe it's covered by their insurance. You don't need to tell them you are on the verge to CTB. Surely they must have noticed your depression already? Lean on that and say that with that and everything going on in the world right now, you really need to go to therapy and you want to know what options there are.

Also, try to think of it from their perspective. Don't you think they would rather spend what little money they could spare for your well-being rather than let you CTB because you got no help? I know parents can be impossible and even toxic at times, but please at least consider talking to them.

If nothing else works out, you could try journaling as a kind of self-therapy. Writing out your thoughts and feelings can be very therapeutic. If it helps, I can listen and give feedback through PMs, otherwise just writing it down for no one to read works too.

Hugs :heart:
 
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Life_and_Death

Life_and_Death

Do what's best for you 🕯️ Right now, I'm stressed
Jul 1, 2020
6,897
Before I got profession help I was doing therapy on my own by searching at home therapy things or even how the therapies the pros use work so I can do it at home. If you need any help with this if you decide to do it yourself just pm me. I've been googling this stuff for years
 
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A

AllReturnsToNothing

I'm useless
Aug 5, 2020
222
Your still 21..are you on your parents insurance? Until I turned 26 I was on my parents insurance and therapy and Dr visits were covered.
Nope. Got kicked off early for some reason. Could have something to do with the ass-backwards state I live in lol. I did have pretty good insurance before I became unemployed but now I'm completely uninsured and at the mercy of anyone who wants to charge me money. I honestly don't even know if my parents are insured anymore tbh. Actually now that I think about it they may have been kicked off after my dad had an injury that left him bed-ridden for months while I was in high school. Idk for sure, just a hunch.

I know you don't want to burden your parents, but don't you think you could at least ask them? As someone else mentioned, maybe it's covered by their insurance. You don't need to tell them you are on the verge to CTB. Surely they must have noticed your depression already? Lean on that and say that with that and everything going on in the world right now, you really need to go to therapy and you want to know what options there are.

It's kinda difficult for them to notice because I've just kinda always been like this. Plus I live in a house where everyone mostly keeps to themselves so there aren't a lot of opportunities for them to notice. I kinda have been wanting to talk to my mom since she's mentally ill too and medicated but it's also so difficult to talk to her because she was my abuser for a good chunk of my life. She's medicated now and not hurting me anymore (at least not overtly the way she used to) and genuinely means well but it's hard. I have a complicated relationship with her. Plus I'm afraid that she could get mad at me if I suggest it. Meanwhile I just refuse to talk to my dad. He's nice enough, he just has the emotional capacity of a brick wall lol. He just wouldn't understand and I just don't like talking with him that much. Only other person I can think of is my older sister but talking to her is really difficult these days for me and I don't know why. Plus I don't want to potentially financially burden her seeing as she has her own therapy to pay for.

Before I got profession help I was doing therapy on my own by searching at home therapy things or even how the therapies the pros use work so I can do it at home. If you need any help with this if you decide to do it yourself just pm me. I've been googling this stuff for years

My only problem with home therapy is I have zero motivation to try hard or work while I'm at home. It's difficult for me to get anything productive done while I'm at home. I don't think I've showered in a week and I haven't folded my clothes in months if that gives you any idea of what I mean.


If income is an issue and you're in the US, do you know whether or not you're eligible for Medicaid? I've shown up to community mental health clinics with no insurance and they actually helped me get set up with Medicaid so I could see someone there. I've also done it on my own online in a few states and it's been relatively straightforward.

Well that at least gives me a little bit of hope. I don't know what the qualifiers for Medicaid are but I just hope I meet the qualifications considering I have no insurance lol
 
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Life_and_Death

Life_and_Death

Do what's best for you 🕯️ Right now, I'm stressed
Jul 1, 2020
6,897
My only problem with home therapy is I have zero motivation to try hard or work while I'm at home. It's difficult for me to get anything productive done while I'm at home. I don't think I've showered in a week and I haven't folded my clothes in months if that gives you any idea of what I mean
it doesnt necessarily have to be "at home". i just mean you dont have a professional helping you. at home therapy is how i ended up with my cats that actually seem to be very aware of my mental state and help me out as much as a cat can.
 
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Myforevercharlie

Myforevercharlie

Global Mod
Feb 13, 2020
3,103
It does. But not like magic, you must be willing to work for it.
 
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A

AllReturnsToNothing

I'm useless
Aug 5, 2020
222
It does. But not like magic, you must be willing to work for it.

Thanks! As if I already didn't fucking know that. You might as well told me "it's impossible don't even fucking bother"
 
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Myforevercharlie

Myforevercharlie

Global Mod
Feb 13, 2020
3,103
Thanks! As if I already didn't fucking know that. You might as well told me "it's impossible don't even fucking bother"

Hey. You asked a question. That was an answer. I don't like being talked to that way.
 
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L

LittleJem

Visionary
Jul 3, 2019
2,598
I've been having therapy for years and have no idea what working at it means. I spent years forgiving/loving/excusing my mother-abuser. Now I'm done and I hate her. Is that progress?! My therapy is so expensive and I am paying for it. I think I want to give it up. Before I CTB I could enjoy some cocaine for this money!!
8 of my therapy sessions would pay for a pedigree cat!!!
 
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KleinerWolf

KleinerWolf

Account Wipe.
Apr 30, 2020
2,700
I recall from another recovery thread that we talked about this site called "7cups of tea", they offer online counselling at a much cheaper rate.
In my opinion, this would be ideal for some people if you sometimes need "short term fix" to keep to a budget
or preferring online sessions.

In general, I find therapies over-rated however I believe they do help us to a certain extent.

Everyone's situations are different of course, but I try to meditate and listen to positive affirmations from time to time.
As you know, distracting yourself with productive activities or things you enjoy can help better manage your stress level.
I couldn't help but notice there are work must be done on our ends even when it comes to therapies.

Wishing everyone well in your recovery
and please look after yourselves
:hug::heart:
 
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I

I'm exhausted

Living in constant fear. I need cats!!
Jul 12, 2019
596
Hi. I feel like I could have written this post. It struck me because I know exactly know what you're talking about and I've almost given up. I'm at a point where I'm like screw this because I've been trying to get help but no one cares what's worse is I get mocked and ridiculed. With that said I have some ideas I'm trying to work on that may get me what i need. It sucks because I was on the bottom because I lost my job due to health reasons and again at the bottom because therapists are helping those who are affected by the covid. Sorry for the rant. My point is I may be able to help you. I was able to get some help and assistance. PM me so we can discuss. I just need to know a few things so I can guide you to the right help.
 
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Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
21,030
Hmm...the only way I've been able to get free therapy is by going to college/university. I've had two different ones from two different schools. Their quality was exactly the same as the court appointed therapy I used to have before I started going to college. All of them end up feeling the same: I always feel good sharing what's been bothering me in the moment but even when the therapist offers me advice on what to do, if I ever have to do anything outside the therapy session I suddenly lose all the motivation and confidence I got through the therapy session once it's over. One hour is definitely not long enough is what I'm saying. Therapists from school are also always too high in demand so I have to wait months between appointments which I don't think can help as much as regular sessions along the lines of once every one or two weeks.

My current therapist hasn't called me yet this semester though. Probably because last time we talked on the phone, I mentioned I was actually doing quite well chilling during lockdown. She must have clients who are more in need than I so it makes sense though I do wish I could get some occasionally.
 
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k75

k75

L'appel du Vide
Jun 27, 2019
2,546
Well that at least gives me a little bit of hope. I don't know what the qualifiers for Medicaid are but I just hope I meet the qualifications considering I have no insurance lol
You can go on your state's medicaid website and they should have an eligibility calculator that will tell you. You should find everything you need to apply there, too. I'd start with that.

Every state is different in specifics, but it's pretty good now about covering mental health stuff. There are also state-level programs that can help you find what you need to get help.

You can even go to a hospital and see a social worker who will help you get insured. I've done that before, and it was actually fastest in terms of results.

A lot of counseling places have sliding scales according to income, too. So that's another thing you can look into. It might take some calling around.

The place I go to has started in person sessions again, as well as phone and video. I don't want to leave my house, so I'm doing phone therapy as long as they'll let me. But it sounds like they're really trying to make people actually come in now.

I hope you can get the help you're looking for.
 
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Chupacabra 44

Chupacabra 44

If boredom were a CTB method, I would be long gone
Sep 13, 2020
710
I guess I've been lucky with the two cities I've lived in over the past ten years within the US, as I have had no problems obtaining free resources as needed for mental health care. This included psychiatric care and therapist and rehabilitation. Pleasantly surprised on my end as to the quality of assistance that I've recieved. I'm very grateful.
 
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