First of all I need to clarify that I don't necessarily "hate myself", I actually kinda like me despite being suicidal (because I have a very active imagination), the problem is that I'm too "introspective", to the point I kinda neglected the pragmatical aspect of life, you know, study work and such, not that I didn't do these things but instead I didn't prioritize them, I thought that if I'm earning a honest, confortable amount of money, regardless of how I earn it, it's already good enough. I know that this is not wrong per se, but the social coercion is so strong that I internalized it and feel bad for thinking and acting that way.
For context, my brother is 6 years older than me, and my entire life I've been compared to him (sometimes even inferiorized to him). I'm actually smarter than him, but I'm less focused, diligent and ambitious. Now he is the typical succesful young man, that met all parents' expectations (went to a good college just after high school, got graduated in the predicted time, has a really well paid job, learned to drive, traveled to another countries, got a loyal girlfriend etc), but I was confused and lost in life, so I basically procrastinated a couple of years after my high school before starting my own business. My expectations were high and everyone, specially my parents, thought that I would follow the path of my brother, given that we had the same education, nurture and opportunities.
On top of that, I studied at a "elite grade" school if I can say so, and I was the typical kid that could achieve high grades without studying, so the expectations were a lot higher.
Ironically, I had a lot of school friends, and due to our "elite education context", most of my school-era friends are doing well in life, and I admit, it got to the point that I got envious, and started to feel bad and decline invitations to hang out, specially that I would always anticipate the "What are you doing, after all?" invasive questions. Yeah, I was the only college dropout of my circle and unwillingly got all the attention, they would like to know all the details of my newborn business and it was really annoying.
My business is growing right know and I have good prospects, but several months ago, things got really bad, and I was forced to see my peers close to graduate, getting very good jobs, progressing in life, and remembering how my brother was so advanced at my age, and all of that while I was constantly anxious about my future, ruminating my wasted years and potential, stuck at debts and a -at the time- failed business.
I just can't understand. I don't think I am really good at something. For example, 2 months ago I went out with one specific friend that allegedly likes me very much, but for the entire evening I was feeling unconfortable and forcing myself to not say nor do anything compromising (and failed because I often would comment about how much of a loser I feel). I was rather intimidated. He has better looks, is taller, apparently smarter, got a really well paid job for such young age, collected, determined, stronger, more sociable etc. I just can't compete and can't take it naturally. I feel the same way about my brother.
If I at least could be grateful or satisfied about the little things I am or can do, but not even that. I have another friend that, just like me, is kinda ordinary, but he is very excited.
Few weeks ago I travelled by bike with a friend, more or less 100km inside a rural area, my friend constantly telling me that it was awesome and he felt really accomplished, but I got rather frustrated actually, and didn't say anything to not ruin the mood. Really, what is wrong with me?
For context, my brother is 6 years older than me, and my entire life I've been compared to him (sometimes even inferiorized to him). I'm actually smarter than him, but I'm less focused, diligent and ambitious. Now he is the typical succesful young man, that met all parents' expectations (went to a good college just after high school, got graduated in the predicted time, has a really well paid job, learned to drive, traveled to another countries, got a loyal girlfriend etc), but I was confused and lost in life, so I basically procrastinated a couple of years after my high school before starting my own business. My expectations were high and everyone, specially my parents, thought that I would follow the path of my brother, given that we had the same education, nurture and opportunities.
On top of that, I studied at a "elite grade" school if I can say so, and I was the typical kid that could achieve high grades without studying, so the expectations were a lot higher.
Ironically, I had a lot of school friends, and due to our "elite education context", most of my school-era friends are doing well in life, and I admit, it got to the point that I got envious, and started to feel bad and decline invitations to hang out, specially that I would always anticipate the "What are you doing, after all?" invasive questions. Yeah, I was the only college dropout of my circle and unwillingly got all the attention, they would like to know all the details of my newborn business and it was really annoying.
My business is growing right know and I have good prospects, but several months ago, things got really bad, and I was forced to see my peers close to graduate, getting very good jobs, progressing in life, and remembering how my brother was so advanced at my age, and all of that while I was constantly anxious about my future, ruminating my wasted years and potential, stuck at debts and a -at the time- failed business.
I just can't understand. I don't think I am really good at something. For example, 2 months ago I went out with one specific friend that allegedly likes me very much, but for the entire evening I was feeling unconfortable and forcing myself to not say nor do anything compromising (and failed because I often would comment about how much of a loser I feel). I was rather intimidated. He has better looks, is taller, apparently smarter, got a really well paid job for such young age, collected, determined, stronger, more sociable etc. I just can't compete and can't take it naturally. I feel the same way about my brother.
If I at least could be grateful or satisfied about the little things I am or can do, but not even that. I have another friend that, just like me, is kinda ordinary, but he is very excited.
Few weeks ago I travelled by bike with a friend, more or less 100km inside a rural area, my friend constantly telling me that it was awesome and he felt really accomplished, but I got rather frustrated actually, and didn't say anything to not ruin the mood. Really, what is wrong with me?
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