Venting How to deal with being unlovable? How to deal with being "seconds"? (Polyamory)

[plain_jane]

Hello, people of Sanctioned Suicide. I do not post here regularly, but I do browse here semiregularly.

I've been thinking I'd probably prefer to not exist anymore for a long time. Not any suicide plans because despite being unloved, there are at least a few people who depend on me.
I guess it's not really a mystery to me why people can only pity me and never love me... I am an extremely non passing, extremely ugly trans woman. I'm sure a few people here are laughing in their head, thinking "What did you expect? You are a man after all." but this was really the only choice I could make other than suicide. Perhaps suicide was the correct option. But I truly am hideous, like something out of Franz Kafka's Metamorphosis. On top of that, I am very cognitively impaired and talentless. My body is also highly dysfunctional.

I guess my wonder is, if there is anyone else who has experience with polyamory here? I want to state out the gate that this isn't some "polyamory is awful and you should never do it" kind of post, after all it wasn't like anyone was willing to love me in a monogamous context to begin with. I just wonder if anyone else here has experienced being the "seconds", or the distraction until they can spend time with someone they really love, or just acting as a stopgap for loneliness, and how do you deal with it? How do you deal with the fact that nobody truly loves you whilst still putting up the necessary facade of feeling loved in turn? I want coping mechanisms because despite being unloved, people do depend on me.

I'm sure some people will say "how can you post being suicidal when you have many partners when many don't have any?"
I'd reply that I understand how miserable it is to be truly alone, and how miserable it is to be surrounded by five others who say they love you but don't, that can't.
Also, I did not mean to construe suicide as selfish at any point in this post, I only wish to live for my own personal reasons.

Sincerely, Jane

 

[Life_and_Death]

i just wanted to let you know that despite what you might think or what someone might tell you, your reasons are valid.

youre right, being without someone can cause problems
but so can being with someone
just because theyre different problems doesnt make them any less valid. just different

 

[todeswunsch]

Never been in that situation but I often think I'd like to.
I broke up with my last gf, she loved me so much and I felt I couldn't reciprocate that well. I feel like I just cant connect myself.
I remember to say to her that I'd rather be a secondary character instead of the protagonist in someone else's life. I don't know, too much responsability maybe?
I'd like to be the "second" while still having a intimate someone. As I think I'll never have a partner I can connect to, this option would at least not let me completely alone like I am rn.
But I do understand your frustrations, I am probably the weird one here to be honest.
I hope you find someone who truly loves you. I wish you the best!

 

[plain_jane]

Never been in that situation but I often think I'd like to.
I broke up with my last gf, she loved me so much and I felt I couldn't reciprocate that well. I feel like I just cant connect myself.
I remember to say to her that I'd rather be a secondary character instead of the protagonist in someone else's life. I don't know, too much responsibility maybe?
I'd like to be the "second" while still having a intimate someone. As I think I'll never have a partner I can connect to, this option would at least not let me completely alone like I am rn.
But I do understand your frustrations, I am probably the weird one here to be honest.
I hope you find someone who truly loves you. I wish you the best!

I know I will not be able to find someone like that. I will wish you the best in your pursuits as well