How to deal with a breakup?

[SadLoser]

Well, i'm not sure you can even call it that. We went on 2 dates together. But the last (and first) time I was on a date was almost 5 years, so i'm very inexperienced in dating. On those 2 dates, I really felt "loved" for the first time in my life. She seemed to be really obsessed with me, telling me how amazing I supposedly am. And she told this to my friends too. I really liked her a lot as well.

Couple weeks later she texts me saying she's not ready for a relationship, that i'm a really nice guy but she has problems etc, basically the typical "it's not you, it's me" thing. A week after that she starts dating someone else.
So now i'm back to being alone. It took me around THREE YEARS to get over the girl I went on ONE date with. And now it seems like this is going to be even worse because I got closer with her. I obsessively check her social media, I go to places that we walked on our dates and drink alcohol there. I basically stopped eating and going to the gym which is terrible because I wanted to get a good body this summer.

I really can't go through this again. I get so overly attached it's crazy. I think i'm just really lonely. There also must be something completely repulsive about me as a person because the women who initially approach me and even ask me out always lose interest in me. I'm pretty shy and awkward but does that really mean i'm destined to go my whole life without dating or being loved?

Anyway, my whole life has been a mess before this. I hate myself and everything about me, but this just made all those feelings 10x stronger.
I want to get some medication that will make me numb to everything. So I just don't care anymore.
I don't want to stay up at night worrying about what will or won't happen.
How do I do this? I have never talked about my mental health to anyone before.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I don't have any good advice but I'm sorry for your pain. Still not over my last gf. It sux.

 

[Linda]

If things dont'work out well with one girl, move on. Do your best to forget her. The most effective way to forget her is to find another girl. Or several. So get out there and meet people.

 

[SadLoser]

If things dont'work out well with one girl, move on. Do your best to forget her. The most effective way to forget her is to find another girl. Or several. So get out there and meet people.

I wish I could. But like I said, I get way too overly attached. And I don't have many options.

I don't have any good advice but I'm sorry for your pain. Still not over my last gf. It sux.

Sorry to hear that. How long has it been?

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I'm like that too, I form attachments easily then in hindsight I go "ugh, that was too much for her" and beat myself up over it. It's annoying when you repeatedly feel a connection that is not reciprocated. And it's painful and confusing when the person seems to value you but then falls off the face of the earth.

I guess the lesson is that it's not always you and that you can't really help what others do. It sounds so basic but I think we can take this stuff really personally and get down about it when we shouldn't. I've sometimes wondered if there's a level of psychopathy involved - like how can someone seem to be so invested but then just vanish out of your life. It's rarely made sense to me, but then I have to acknowledge that it's probably quite normal since it's so common.

Something like a longer-term SSRI might help. In my case it helped make things kind of warm and fuzzy, which is a bit of a double-edged sword I suppose. And not everyone has a good reaction to something like that, so weight it up carefully. I'm now off my meds, maybe for good, and I'm feeling some of that old rawness and high strungness coming back, which I hate. I miss my pill already.

Anyway, just know you're not alone and this stuff happens to people all the time, although granted they probably don't feel such a profound sense of loss after just a couple dates. That might be some type of disorder, but it's hard to really say. Hope you bounce back quicker than you anticipate.

 

[NumbItAll]

It really hurts so much to have unreciprocated feelings, especially when it seemed at first like there was a real connection, but then it gets thrown away like it's nothing. I still think about someone that I haven't seen in almost two years and only saw a few times in total, but it was so amazing while it lasted, there was nothing else like it. In my experience the pain never really goes away until there's something new to fill the void. I can only take solace in knowing that I tried my best and it just wasn't what she wanted, so it's out of my control. Plus we still had some great times and memories which can't be taken away.

One thing you can do is not torture yourself by looking at her social media. I know that's easier said than done but you really are only hurting yourself with that. Maybe you have to touch the hot stove a few times first though. Another thing is to try to continue with the gym and other things you wanted to do, but I know it's hard to do anything when you are suffering from a heartbreak. It might make you feel a little better about yourself though and certainly wouldn't hurt your chances of finding someone new.

But anyway I think some people are able to form connections and attract a partner very easily, so they approach it very haphazardly and think nothing of moving on to the next person. It is hard for those of us without such options not to feel completely worthless and expendable when that happens. It's like a dog in a shelter thinking they will finally get adopted to a loving family, but then nope, the rug gets pulled, a different one is chosen, and it's back to rotting in a cage indefinitely. I doubt that it means there is anything wrong with you as a person though.

 

[kwho]

Well, i'm not sure you can even call it that. We went on 2 dates together. But the last (and first) time I was on a date was almost 5 years, so i'm very inexperienced in dating. On those 2 dates, I really felt "loved" for the first time in my life. She seemed to be really obsessed with me, telling me how amazing I supposedly am. And she told this to my friends too. I really liked her a lot as well.

Couple weeks later she texts me saying she's not ready for a relationship, that i'm a really nice guy but she has problems etc, basically the typical "it's not you, it's me" thing. A week after that she starts dating someone else.
So now i'm back to being alone. It took me around THREE YEARS to get over the girl I went on ONE date with. And now it seems like this is going to be even worse because I got closer with her. I obsessively check her social media, I go to places that we walked on our dates and drink alcohol there. I basically stopped eating and going to the gym which is terrible because I wanted to get a good body this summer.

I really can't go through this again. I get so overly attached it's crazy. I think i'm just really lonely. There also must be something completely repulsive about me as a person because the women who initially approach me and even ask me out always lose interest in me. I'm pretty shy and awkward but does that really mean i'm destined to go my whole life without dating or being loved?

Anyway, my whole life has been a mess before this. I hate myself and everything about me, but this just made all those feelings 10x stronger.
I want to get some medication that will make me numb to everything. So I just don't care anymore.
I don't want to stay up at night worrying about what will or won't happen.
How do I do this? I have never talked about my mental health to anyone before.

Well. I am sorry you feel that way. I hope i will not make you feel worse, i really do, but as someone from the opposite side of the trenches, so to speak, what i say will at least be relevant.

First - don't outright dismiss the good old "it's not you, it's me" thing. Why would you authomatically assume she was being untruthful about it? Or dismiss her feelings? She is a person, it is very possible, even likely that she has problems.

Second - the way you describe it it seems that there might be some void issue going on inside you. Like there is some deep black emptiness and you think it is going to be filled by some person. Even if it could be, it would only last for a short period. May be it is better to try and adress the void.
She seems like a really nice girl/woman so may be it was just that she is too overwhelmed with her things, but trust me that void thing, is very perceptible and it is scary and a lot of women/men, will instinctively run for the hills. Nobody can fill your void. It's your job.

 

[unnormal9]

Short answer: Move on.
Long answer: Move Onwards.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I wish I could. But like I said, I get way too overly attached. And I don't have many options.


Sorry to hear that. How long has it been?

Over a decade. I've tried to date but I can't move on. I would rather be dead anyway. (Not related to my ex)

 

[SadLoser]

I'm like that too, I form attachments easily then in hindsight I go "ugh, that was too much for her" and beat myself up over it. It's annoying when you repeatedly feel a connection that is not reciprocated. And it's painful and confusing when the person seems to value you but then falls off the face of the earth.

I guess the lesson is that it's not always you and that you can't really help what others do. It sounds so basic but I think we can take this stuff really personally and get down about it when we shouldn't. I've sometimes wondered if there's a level of psychopathy involved - like how can someone seem to be so invested but then just vanish out of your life. It's rarely made sense to me, but then I have to acknowledge that it's probably quite normal since it's so common.

Something like a longer-term SSRI might help. In my case it helped make things kind of warm and fuzzy, which is a bit of a double-edged sword I suppose. And not everyone has a good reaction to something like that, so weight it up carefully. I'm now off my meds, maybe for good, and I'm feeling some of that old rawness and high strungness coming back, which I hate. I miss my pill already.

Anyway, just know you're not alone and this stuff happens to people all the time, although granted they probably don't feel such a profound sense of loss after just a couple dates. That might be some type of disorder, but it's hard to really say. Hope you bounce back quicker than you anticipate.

That's exactly how I feel too. I don't want to sit here and write out paragraphs about what she seemed to think of me on our dates, but she seemed to like me a lot. It should almost be considered a talent for me to be able to turn people off this much. Jokes aside though, it feels horrible. After so many years of being alone, I thought I finally found someone that would care about me and I could care for them. I'm starting to think there's an evil force out there that's preventing me from being happy.

As for the SSRIs, i'm terrified of going to my doctor and talking about anything mental-health related. I have never done that before and it feels so different than just saying I have a runny nose or sore throat.
How can I go about it?

It really hurts so much to have unreciprocated feelings, especially when it seemed at first like there was a real connection, but then it gets thrown away like it's nothing. I still think about someone that I haven't seen in almost two years and only saw a few times in total, but it was so amazing while it lasted, there was nothing else like it. In my experience the pain never really goes away until there's something new to fill the void. I can only take solace in knowing that I tried my best and it just wasn't what she wanted, so it's out of my control. Plus we still had some great times and memories which can't be taken away.

One thing you can do is not torture yourself by looking at her social media. I know that's easier said than done but you really are only hurting yourself with that. Maybe you have to touch the hot stove a few times first though. Another thing is to try to continue with the gym and other things you wanted to do, but I know it's hard to do anything when you are suffering from a heartbreak. It might make you feel a little better about yourself though and certainly wouldn't hurt your chances of finding someone new.

But anyway I think some people are able to form connections and attract a partner very easily, so they approach it very haphazardly and think nothing of moving on to the next person. It is hard for those of us without such options not to feel completely worthless and expendable when that happens. It's like a dog in a shelter thinking they will finally get adopted to a loving family, but then nope, the rug gets pulled, a different one is chosen, and it's back to rotting in a cage indefinitely. I doubt that it means there is anything wrong with you as a person though.

sorry to hear that you had the same experience. Sadly, I check her social media at least 10 times a day even though she rarely puts stuff up. I can't help it. I'm not sure how long this will go on, but judging by my last experience, it could be years because I seriously doubt i'll find someone else any time soon.

Well. I am sorry you feel that way. I hope i will not make you feel worse, i really do, but as someone from the opposite side of the trenches, so to speak, what i say will at least be relevant.

First - don't outright dismiss the good old "it's not you, it's me" thing. Why would you authomatically assume she was being untruthful about it? Or dismiss her feelings? She is a person, it is very possible, even likely that she has problems.

Well, first of all, she lied. She said she's not ready to date and then she finds someone to date a week later. So it's clearly about me. She didn't like something about me and she won't tell me what. Honestly I believe she knew what she was doing. She was looking for a clearly inexperienced, shy guy to lead him on and then fuck him over. Some people are just evil.

Second - the way you describe it it seems that there might be some void issue going on inside you. Like there is some deep black emptiness and you think it is going to be filled by some person. Even if it could be, it would only last for a short period. May be it is better to try and adress the void.
She seems like a really nice girl/woman so may be it was just that she is too overwhelmed with her things, but trust me that void thing, is very perceptible and it is scary and a lot of women/men, will instinctively run for the hills. Nobody can fill your void. It's your job.

You're probably right, but that void is likely a result of extreme loneliness. It's not unnatural to feel terrible and empty being a 22 year old man who has never had a girlfriend.

 

[kwho]

That's exactly how I feel too. I don't want to sit here and write out paragraphs about what she seemed to think of me on our dates, but she seemed to like me a lot. It should almost be considered a talent for me to be able to turn people off this much. Jokes aside though, it feels horrible. After so many years of being alone, I thought I finally found someone that would care about me and I could care for them. I'm starting to think there's an evil force out there that's preventing me from being happy.

As for the SSRIs, i'm terrified of going to my doctor and talking about anything mental-health related. I have never done that before and it feels so different than just saying I have a runny nose or sore throat.
How can I go about it?

Sadly, I check her social media at least 10 times a day even though she rarely puts stuff up.


Well, first of all, she lied. She said she's not ready to date and then she finds someone to date a week later. So it's clearly about me. She didn't like something about me and she won't tell me what. Honestly I believe she knew what she was doing. She was looking for a clearly inexperienced, shy guy to lead him on and then fuck him over. Some people are just evil.

You're probably right, but that void is likely a result of extreme loneliness. It's not unnatural to feel terrible and empty being a 22 year old man who has never had a girlfriend.

Why are you afraid to talk to a professional about your struggles? I really think you should. Please do. It would may be help you gain a different perspective, a slightly healthier one.

 

[unnormal9]

Over a decade. I've tried to date but I can't move on. I would rather be dead anyway. (Not related to my ex)

It's right there in front of you.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

It's right there in front of you.

Sorry for you too. It's not that I don't see other girls and think they are attractive, whats the point anyway.

 

[unnormal9]

Sorry for you too. It's not that I don't see other girls and think they are attractive, whats the point anyway.

Not interested.

 

[SadLoser]

Why are you afraid to talk to a professional about your struggles? I really think you should. Please do. It would may be help you gain a different perspective, a slightly healthier one.

I don't know. I just hate opening up to people. I associate going to a doctor with telling him that I have a sore throat or a headache or something physical. I don't know how I can just tell him that I feel depressed. Like, just tell him that i'm sad? How do you go about doing that?

 

[Little_Suzy]

I don't know. I just hate opening up to people. I associate going to a doctor with telling him that I have a sore throat or a headache or something physical. I don't know how I can just tell him that I feel depressed. Like, just tell him that i'm sad? How do you go about doing that?

I blame my brain for my depression! In this way, I will bring it up with my psychiatrist.

You may start by telling the psychiatrist that you hate your brain. Tell them what your brain is thinking and feeling. How your brain is discouraged, perpetually miserable, and makes life seem pointless.

Then tell them you want a new brain, and your new brain will tell you exactly what you want.

For example, tell your psychiatrist, "I wish I had a brain that wanted to exercise, go out and meet new people, sleep early and feel more refreshed, and enjoy a hobby that made everyday pleasurable."

 

[kwho]

I don't know. I just hate opening up to people. I associate going to a doctor with telling him that I have a sore throat or a headache or something physical. I don't know how I can just tell him that I feel depressed. Like, just tell him that i'm sad? How do you go about doing that?

That's his job, as a psychiatrist. Dealing with sad, depressed people who are struggling is literally what he/she does every day.
Mental health specialists don't really get people coming through the door looking for help because they feel happy and well-adjusted. So you'll be fine.
I understand your hesitation though. Of course it feels strange to you trusting someone with your feelings face to face. Just be brave and do this for yourself. You deserve to feel better!

And see, you are opening up to us here - it's not so bad!

I'd recommend you go to a male doctor though, i think it will be easier in your case. And safer.

 

[SadLoser]

I blame my brain for my depression! In this way, I will bring it up with my psychiatrist.

You may start by telling the psychiatrist that you hate your brain. Tell them what your brain is thinking and feeling. How your brain is discouraged, perpetually miserable, and makes life seem pointless.

Then tell them you want a new brain, and your new brain will tell you exactly what you want.

For example, tell your psychiatrist, "I wish I had a brain that wanted to exercise, go out and meet new people, sleep early and feel more refreshed, and enjoy a hobby that made everyday pleasurable."

That's his job, as a psychiatrist. Dealing with sad, depressed people who are struggling is literally what he/she does every day.
Mental health specialists don't really get people coming through the door looking for help because they feel happy and well-adjusted. So you'll be fine.
I understand your hesitation though. Of course it feels strange to you trusting someone with your feelings face to face. Just be brave and do this for yourself. You deserve to feel better!

And see, you are opening up to us here - it's not so bad!

I'd recommend you go to a male doctor though, i think it will be easier in your case. And safer.

Thank you for the replies. First i'd have to go to my GP though and then it would be up to him to send me to a psychiatrist or not I think. Should I say anything about suicidal thoughts?

 

[kwho]

Thank you for the replies. First i'd have to go to my GP though and then it would be up to him to send me to a psychiatrist or not I think. Should I say anything about suicidal thoughts?

I understand it is harder if you have to go to your GP.

No, i wouldn't tell your GP that you have suicidal thoughts.

Tell him you feel depressed, suffer from loss of appetite and have difficulties sleeping. That it has been going on for a long time and your health is suffering. And you want to be refered to a specialist.

Of course i don't know how long you have to wait for an appointment where you live...

 

[Little_Suzy]

Thank you for the replies. First i'd have to go to my GP though and then it would be up to him to send me to a psychiatrist or not I think. Should I say anything about suicidal thoughts?

This is what I've found to work in the USA, where I've never been admitted.

I would not bring up ctb until asked directly. Since your initial treatment will include a screening, they'll ask.

Disclose your true emotions to the doctor, but ensure them you have no intent to harm yourself.

You can admit that you've attempted suicide previously, but that you don't plan to do it again and are instead determined to get treatment.

Only if you don't desire hospitalization should you choose this course of action.

Only openness to treatment will lead to success, and only you know what you need to succeed. A self-report of suicidal ideation is not required for clinical assessment, OP treatment, or hospitalization.

You can say that you have lost hope and motivation, you're "brain dead," that you're unable to get out of bed, and that you have stopped eating. This is an emergency situation.