How to Come Back from Dissociation

[dazed.daydreamer]

Hello,
I've felt heavily detached from my own life for a long time. It's not a super intense, episodic sensation—I don't feel like I'm out of my body or anything like that. It's more like I don't feel quite like a real person. I genuinely forget that I can make decisions and initiate things myself. It feels like I just follow along with the bare minimum of what's expected of me. Other than that, I mostly rot alone in my room, and don't feel motivated to do much else. The anhedonia, lethargy, and complete lack of motivation may ebb and flow over time depending on how depressed I am, but this is generally the way I've been for years now. I feel largely detached from my own emotions—not that they were never there, but more like they are heavily muffled most of the time, if that makes sense. I'm guessing this developed subconsciously as a coping mechanism while I was dealing with depression and other issues as a kid that I felt out of control of, felt weak for/ashamed of, and didn't want to bother anyone about. I would guess this started about 10 years ago, though not as severe at that time.
Despite being frustrating (and probably being a large barrier to any chance of me recovering), I guess it is effective in that it's probably the main thing that's prevented me from killing myself over the years. I don't want to live, and logically thinking through it, it makes more sense for me to CTB. But I'm so spaced out and exhausted that I usually don't have it in me to do anything about it. I am logically(?) suicidal, but the emotional force behind it is usually heavily subdued, if not entirely muted. This doesn't translate to me being functional though— at this point I mostly just bedrot, get food, sometimes do bare-minimum stuff for school/work/social expectations (if even that). I'm already not living at this point, my body is just surviving, which requires a bunch of resources from other people to maintain. It's a waste and there's no reason to keep doing it, no one is getting anything out of this, it's just prolonging the inevitable.
I guess I'm asking if this is relatable for anyone, and if anyone has advice for coming back into myself enough to truly *feel* the weight of my situation, most likely so I can finally CTB. I think writing my note may help, it did a while ago during an episode where I very nearly went through with suicide (I regret not doing so at that time)

 

[DefinitelyReady]

Spravato/ketamine, dxm & welbutrin? Not isolating. Time with family, friends, casual dating if you can or care to. Good tv/movies. Doing shit. Being out there. Festivals, concerts, events of whatever kind. Break your routine. If not sleeping, find ways to sleep. If oversleeping, find ways to cut back. Stimulants. Self-care. Real care, not the bullshit annoying stereotypical kind. Good luck. Sucks to live like this. Practically psychosis without the mania.

 

[divinemistress36]

I feel all of what you wrote. I dissassociate all the time and when I come out of it then its severe anxiety

 

[dazed.daydreamer]

Spravato/ketamine, dxm & welbutrin? Not isolating. Time with family, friends, casual dating if you can or care to. Good tv/movies. Doing shit. Being out there. Festivals, concerts, events of whatever kind. Break your routine. If not sleeping, find ways to sleep. If oversleeping, find ways to cut back. Stimulants. Self-care. Real care, not the bullshit annoying stereotypical kind. Good luck. Sucks to live like this. Practically psychosis without the mania.

Thank you for this, it really seems like solid and genuine advice. I've tried some of this (not the substances/meds or festivals/events though) when I'm able to (aka not in a depressive episode, I have MDD). It helps for a bit, but I always seem to end up back where I started at some point, a few weeks or months later. It's just exhausting, feels unsustainable (especially after college, which I'd finish in the spring), and I've lost hope that I can work towards a substantial recovery through the methods available to me.
I'm not expecting advice for this response, I know it sounds pessimistic, I'm just venting

 

[DefinitelyReady]

What is the awareness that you even come out of it? I don't know that I'd even notice

 

[dazed.daydreamer]

What is the awareness that you even come out of it? I don't know that I'd even notice

It's not that I fully come out of it. It just gets less bad sometimes? Or maybe it just feels less bad when my depression isn't at its worst. But it's a pretty consistent state of being for me at this point

 

[DefinitelyReady]

Thank you for this, it really seems like solid and genuine advice. I've tried some of this (not the substances/meds or festivals/events though) when I'm able to (aka not in a depressive episode, I have MDD). It helps for a bit, but I always seem to end up back where I started at some point, a few weeks or months later. It's just exhausting, feels unsustainable (especially after college, which I'd finish in the spring), and I've lost hope that I can work towards a substantial recovery through the methods available to me.
I'm not expecting advice for this response, I know it sounds pessimistic, I'm just venting

Actually doesn't sound pessimistic at all. Glad I could help? Because I felt dumb after I wrote it lol. Like loser advice lol, same old...
Being in school rn is a big deal... Props. I have mdd too. I couldn't do it... I don't know if you have plans or have thought about after college but starting to shop around ideas and plans might be helpful. I can't do anything without a clear, detailed plan. Maybe you take a break if you can afford to and work on yourself. Maybe you look for more schooling or what you can apply for. I don't know your life or situation, so I don't know what's available for you. Maybe take a road trip by yourself or with a friend or family member. If you can find yourself, your convictions, your loves, your goals, it's harder to lose them and more motivating to fight for them. Good luck!

 

[dazed.daydreamer]

Actually doesn't sound pessimistic at all. Glad I could help? Because I felt dumb after I wrote it lol. Like loser advice lol, same old...
Being in school rn is a big deal... Props. I have mdd too. I couldn't do it... I don't know if you have plans or have thought about after college but starting to shop around ideas and plans might be helpful. I can't do anything without a clear, detailed plan. Maybe you take a break if you can afford to and work on yourself. Maybe you look for more schooling or what you can apply for. I don't know your life or situation, so I don't know what's available for you. Maybe take a road trip by yourself or with a friend or family member. If you can find yourself, your convictions, your loves, your goals, it's harder to lose them and more motivating to fight for them. Good luck!

Again, this is so much more genuine and kind than I was expecting???? Thank you! It's comforting to hear a thoughtful response
My current rough plan is grad school for school psych (or counseling psych). The idea was to help adolescents dealing with mental health issues both individually and though communal interventions in an accessible way, ideally not in an overly medicalized way or paywalled. I'm passionate about this, but I feel too unstable and dysfunctional to get through grad school or hold down a job, especially one that requires a certain vulnerability. I can't convince anyone else to keep going and improve themselves if I can't do the same.
I am fortunately in a place where I could take time off if I wanted to; my family could financially support me, and I think they are kind and understanding enough of mental health to do so. But idk if it would help. I just feel that my failures and dysfunctionality are inherent parts of me at this point, rather than a transient issue that can be fixed.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

I definitely relate. You seem to be stuck in a parasympathetic overactivation aka the "freeze response". It's a similar bodily process to when opossums are playing dead in front of a threat. In fact, you can actually die from it, but it's very, very rare and usually happens to only some people in extreme circumstances. Look up "psychogenic death". I was in that state for years, and when you are it is usually for a very good reason. You are likely so overwhelmed by something that your body is working overtime to numb you from it. What eventually helped me getting out of it was sympathetic activation; "fight or flight". I was put in a situation where I was essentially forced to relive my most traumatic memories and for some reason that "woke me up". I wouldn't recommend that method because it obviously comes with its own set of issues. But there are other ways to get that adrenaline flowing and that heart pumping. Some people use exercise, which seems counterintuitive when you're lethargic, but that's - unfortunately - sort of the point. Do the opposite of what your body is trying to do. Cold water, spicy and/or sour foods, holding ice or just inflicting pain in some way are other methods I've seen. Personally, I've had a lot of success with something called TTT - Trauma Tapping Technique - too.