Help How to be more of a human

[ijustwishtodie]

It's just as the title says. The issue with me is that I don't feel human at all. Not literally of course, I am a humanoid with human organs and all but socially, cognitively and perhaps even personally I deteriorate far from an average human. Let me just clarify what I mean by giving examples:

Firstly, I never made any real life friends or acquaintances in my life... ever. As for online friends, I only made 5 though they felt more like acquaintances than friends. I just don't even understand how this is possible as I should have made friends in school by simply being there, like how every other kid does, but I didn't. I still got isolated and bullied and stayed alone. I'm massively deficient at socialising, so much so to where I always fail to accurately describe how deficient I am at socialising

Secondly, I don't really have any interests or hobbies. I don't rely on music or gaming or TV shows etc. I do watch random youtube stuff but that's mainly to waste time. Though, regarding this, what's even weirder is that, if I actively searched for music or movies (though I don't have a way to watch the latter on my own), I may like it. I don't know for sure though because I don't really know what type of music or movies are even out there. I mean, for the former, I learnt that most songs are apparently centered around relationships and love really recently and, if that's true, that doesn't really appeal to me as it isn't something I'd relate to.

Regarding me having trouble actively searching for stuff, my third issue is that I don't ever search for anything and all I do is rot in my room all day. I don't get why I'm like this. An average human doesn't rot in their room all day, they're active and do stuff and even find pleasure in that. I get so repulsed at me being active.

Fourthly, I don't want to do any effort at all to see positive results within myself. I want to be improved effortlessly and for my recovery to be handed on to a platter. I don't want to work for it yet I know I have to. I notice myself just giving up at even trivial obstacles. How do I not be like this? How do I find the motivation to do things for myself? I've tried thinking about how happy I may feel at the end point but that didn't help. I only do things because I'm forced to but even then I stay towards inertia as much as possible instead of gravitating towards hard things.

As I write this, I actually question why I decided to write it in the recovery forum instead of the suicide discussion forum as I question why being more human is worth it to begin with. Sure, it may bring happiness but suicide allows me to not crave happiness in the first place and it would give me this inertia that I want to stay in. Nonetheless, I started writing it here so I may as well finish writing it here and hence:

I question if, considering everything that I wrote, if there is any advice for me regarding the title. Thank you

 

[ToniFoxGirl!!]

Hi. Idk if this is what you're looking for, but my journey to be more human and more like myself has been an inward look at authenticity. At all times I try to authentic, and present the real me as I know it, and keep searching for more real versions of myself. I just chase authenticity, even though now I realize I don't have much reason to.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Hi. Idk if this is what you're looking for, but my journey to be more human and more like myself has been an inward look at authenticity. At all times I try to authentic, and present the real me as I know it, and keep searching for more real versions of myself. I just chase authenticity, even though now I realize I don't have much reason to.

How do you go about being authentic? For me, what scares me is that everything I wrote above (in addition to the other bad things about me) is the authentic me after all

 

[a_carbon_based_life]

A lot of this sounds like typical depressive symptoms, especially anhedonia. Other than inertia like you mentioned, medications might also be able to help. I'm def not a professional tho, it just seems very similar to some of what I experience in depression. And there's a lot of music out there about mental health struggles and feeling lost in life if you're looking for something relatable. There's also a lot of music about just random things like Ricky's hand by fad gadget, rock lobster etc. If you look hard enough you'll find something, though it can take a lot of self discipline and energy depending on your state of mind.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

A lot of this sounds like typical depressive symptoms, especially anhedonia.

Yeah, I guess so. Though I don't think the first part about me being socially inept is related to depression or anhedonia.

Other than inertia like you mentioned, medications might also be able to help. I'm def not a professional tho, it just seems very similar to some of what I experience in depression.

I really wish there were other alternatives to medication that could help. I'm not a fan of using medicine at all for this.

And there's a lot of music out there about mental health struggles and feeling lost in life if you're looking for something relatable.

There probably are but I don't even know what to search to find them. If I search "depression music" or "sad music", I don't really get anything depressing or sad. I can't find any music that someone sings about regarding feeling lost in life due to themselves.

 

[a_carbon_based_life]

Yeah, I guess so. Though I don't think the first part about me being socially inept is related to depression or anhedonia.

That's true, but I'm also fairly socially inept so idk what to say for that. For me a big part of it is not having the energy to put myself out there or to seem engaged in conversation, especially when talking irl. I'm not sure if that's something you can relate to though. As for school, there are a lot of people who don't make friends just by being there, it really is a mixed bag. I feel like there's a reason why more niche communities / more eccentric people tend to meet online more than anywhere else

I really wish there were other alternatives to medication that could help. I'm not a fan of using medicine at all for this.

The main non - medication related solution would be inertia / forcing yourself until it hopefully becomes easier. Though there are supplements that I've heard can work such as st. John wart (I think I'm not too versed in supplements / herbalism)

There probably are but I don't even know what to search to find them. If I search "depression music" or "sad music", I don't really get anything depressing or sad. I can't find any music that someone sings about regarding feeling lost in life due to themselves.

I am WELL versed in sad depressing music, tell me what genre you like and im sure I can give a few recs

 

[ToniFoxGirl!!]

How do you go about being authentic? For me, what scares me is that everything I wrote above (in addition to the other bad things about me) is the authentic me after all

Authenticity is really hard. I used to hide a lot of the things I like or pretend to hate things because it was cool or lame or whatever. I suppressed my interest in music, as a listener and creator, until right before my transition. It's a lot of soul searching, idk how to tell other people how to be authentic, but it really is an inward journey that becomes an outward journey. The way I dress, the interests I have, how I talk, etc. all changed the more I looked inward.

Also in terms of sad music, my two depression albums are The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me by Brand New and American Football LP1 by American Football.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

That's true, but I'm also fairly socially inept so idk what to say for that. For me a big part of it is not having the energy to put myself out there or to seem engaged in conversation, especially when talking irl. I'm not sure if that's something you can relate to though. As for school, there are a lot of people who don't make friends just by being there, it really is a mixed bag. I feel like there's a reason why more niche communities / more eccentric people tend to meet online more than anywhere else

This is something that I relate to. However, even if I were to put the energy to be engaged into conversation, I know it wouldn't progress at all because of my lack of interests. I don't even have anything of substance to talk about other than suicide and the state of the world and that obviously is a shitty personality for me to have to make any friendships.

The main non - medication related solution would be inertia / forcing yourself until it hopefully becomes easier. Though there are supplements that I've heard can work such as st. John wart (I think I'm not too versed in supplements / herbalism)

Forcing myself seems like the best solution for me, if only I had the energy to actually force myself. Inertia is the worse solution for me as it's partly why I'm still the way that I am. Change and recovery is an active process, not a passive one

I am WELL versed in sad depressing music, tell me what genre you like and im sure I can give a few recs

Honestly, I don't have any specific genre I want. It can be any genre. What I do prefer is from what aspect of depression of even suicidality they sing about. Like, for example, I'd prefer depressing songs with the theme of loss in life or about feeling shitty in your own body or craving death etc etc

Authenticity is really hard. I used to hide a lot of the things I like or pretend to hate things because it was cool or lame or whatever. I suppressed my interest in music, as a listener and creator, until right before my transition. It's a lot of soul searching, idk how to tell other people how to be authentic, but it really is an inward journey that becomes an outward journey. The way I dress, the interests I have, how I talk, etc. all changed the more I looked inward.

I see, thank you for your answer

Also in terms of sad music, my two depression albums are The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me by Brand New and American Football LP1 by American Football.

Thanks for letting me know. Like I stated in my post, I'm struggling with not being active to do anything but ima take a short break and, once I come back to this thread again, I'll have a look at it. Hopefully it's on youtube

 

[a_carbon_based_life]

Honestly, I don't have any specific genre I want. It can be any genre. What I do prefer is from what aspect of depression of even suicidality they sing about. Like, for example, I'd prefer depressing songs with the theme of loss in life or about feeling shitty in your own body or craving death

I relate heavily to the first two , just hard to get inertia, for me at least, when it seems like so much effort for such a small or temporary reward. As for music recs,

Sana Sana Sana, cura cura cura by psychonaut 4 (maybe a bit intense)

The mysterious vanishing of Electra by Anna Von hausswolf

High hopes by pink Floyd

Amity by the gathering

Anesthesia by type o Negative

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I relate heavily to the first two , just hard to get inertia, for me at least, when it seems like so much effort for such a small or temporary reward. As for music recs,

Sana Sana Sana, cura cura cura by psychonaut 4 (maybe a bit intense)

The mysterious vanishing of Electra by Anna Von hausswolf

High hopes by pink Floyd

Amity by the gathering

Anesthesia by type o Negative

I listened to all the music and, damn, I don't feel anything at all. I didn't think I had anhedonia this bad. Hmm, this is problematic as now I got no idea on how I can be a human. I thought that listening to some depression music could help me connect with suicidal and depressed people at least but not even that is possible.

Nonetheless, thank you for going out of your way to recommend the musics

 

[a_carbon_based_life]

I listened to all the music and, damn, I don't feel anything at all. I didn't think I had anhedonia this bad. Hmm, this is problematic as now I got no idea on how I can be a human. I thought that listening to some depression music could help me connect with suicidal and depressed people at least but not even that is possible.

Nonetheless, thank you for going out of your way to recommend the musics

Just because those 5 songs didn't do it for you doesn't mean nothing will

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Just because those 5 songs didn't do it for you doesn't mean nothing will

That's true. Hope I find something soon

 

[sserafim]

It's just as the title says. The issue with me is that I don't feel human at all. Not literally of course, I am a humanoid with human organs and all but socially, cognitively and perhaps even personally I deteriorate far from an average human. Let me just clarify what I mean by giving examples:

Firstly, I never made any real life friends or acquaintances in my life... ever. As for online friends, I only made 5 though they felt more like acquaintances than friends. I just don't even understand how this is possible as I should have made friends in school by simply being there, like how every other kid does, but I didn't. I still got isolated and bullied and stayed alone. I'm massively deficient at socialising, so much so to where I always fail to accurately describe how deficient I am at socialising

Secondly, I don't really have any interests or hobbies. I don't rely on music or gaming or TV shows etc. I do watch random youtube stuff but that's mainly to waste time. Though, regarding this, what's even weirder is that, if I actively searched for music or movies (though I don't have a way to watch the latter on my own), I may like it. I don't know for sure though because I don't really know what type of music or movies are even out there. I mean, for the former, I learnt that most songs are apparently centered around relationships and love really recently and, if that's true, that doesn't really appeal to me as it isn't something I'd relate to.

Regarding me having trouble actively searching for stuff, my third issue is that I don't ever search for anything and all I do is rot in my room all day. I don't get why I'm like this. An average human doesn't rot in their room all day, they're active and do stuff and even find pleasure in that. I get so repulsed at me being active.

Fourthly, I don't want to do any effort at all to see positive results within myself. I want to be improved effortlessly and for my recovery to be handed on to a platter. I don't want to work for it yet I know I have to. I notice myself just giving up at even trivial obstacles. How do I not be like this? How do I find the motivation to do things for myself? I've tried thinking about how happy I may feel at the end point but that didn't help. I only do things because I'm forced to but even then I stay towards inertia as much as possible instead of gravitating towards hard things.

As I write this, I actually question why I decided to write it in the recovery forum instead of the suicide discussion forum as I question why being more human is worth it to begin with. Sure, it may bring happiness but suicide allows me to not crave happiness in the first place and it would give me this inertia that I want to stay in. Nonetheless, I started writing it here so I may as well finish writing it here and hence:

I question if, considering everything that I wrote, if there is any advice for me regarding the title. Thank you

I feel the same way. I don't feel like a human being either, rather, more like an alien. I have trouble socializing as well (due to neurodivergence) and I've become a shut-in/hiki for more than a year now due to my failure to launch. I'm rotting in my room too, but unfortunately my parents want me to go out and get a job soon and "do something". I don't want to be active though, and I don't know why there's this emphasis on being "productive". I just like doing nothing all day, I don't want to do anything.

I don't feel like the main character in my own life. I've always felt like the side or background character. It didn't even feel like I was actually living life. I was always more interested in other people's lives than mine. I have trouble figuring out what I like and don't like (especially in terms of a job or career).

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I feel the same way. I don't feel like a human being either, rather, more like an alien. I have trouble socializing as well (due to neurodivergence) and I've become a shut-in/hiki for more than a year now due to my failure to launch. I'm rotting in my room too, but unfortunately my parents want me to go out and get a job soon and "do something". I don't want to be active though, and I don't know why there's this emphasis on being "productive". I just like doing nothing all day, I don't want to do anything.

Neurodivergence seems like it's causing both of us issues. Also, what do you mean by "failure to launch"? I relate to the job part too, my mum wants me to get a job. I feel like I'll have to soon.. if I even get lucky enough to get hired despite my awful neurodivergence. Nevermind the job itself, even the application process for the job seems like utter hell for me. I don't want to do anything either and it sucks that we're forced to do all of these responsibilities that got imposed on us since we never even consented to being here

I don't feel like the main character in my own life. I've always felt like the side or background character. It didn't even feel like I was actually living life. I was always more interested in other people's lives than mine. I have trouble figuring out what I like and don't like (especially in terms of a job or career).

I also don't feel like the main character of my life but I wasn't interested in others either. I just wished that I could be dead asap and that there is no character I have to observe anymore. I also struggle with figuring out what I like and don't like and, when it comes to a job, I feel like society perpetually ingrains the notion in our heads that everybody will have a job that they love.. that just sounds like baseless propaganda to me to further serve the rich. I believe that some people, including myself, simply don't have a job that we like. It's valid if you don't like any job either as all jobs genuinely seem frustrating and arduous to do and we also never wanted to do any of it to begin with.

If I could choose to never work again, I would.. and the way that society is designed, the only way I can never work is by suicide. Though, for as long as I'm too weak to actually ctb (which is going to be forever as I'm basically too weak in everything), I'm forced to go through life and so I'm forced to actually do stuff. I just hope we find peace soon

 

[sserafim]

Neurodivergence seems like it's causing both of us issues. Also, what do you mean by "failure to launch"? I relate to the job part too, my mum wants me to get a job. I feel like I'll have to soon.. if I even get lucky enough to get hired despite my awful neurodivergence. Nevermind the job itself, even the application process for the job seems like utter hell for me. I don't want to do anything either and it sucks that we're forced to do all of these responsibilities that got imposed on us since we never even consented to being here

I also don't feel like the main character of my life but I wasn't interested in others either. I just wished that I could be dead asap and that there is no character I have to observe anymore. I also struggle with figuring out what I like and don't like and, when it comes to a job, I feel like society perpetually ingrains the notion in our heads that everybody will have a job that they love.. that just sounds like baseless propaganda to me to further serve the rich. I believe that some people, including myself, simply don't have a job that we like. It's valid if you don't like any job either as all jobs genuinely seem frustrating and arduous to do and we also never wanted to do any of it to begin with.

If I could choose to never work again, I would.. and the way that society is designed, the only way I can never work is by suicide. Though, for as long as I'm too weak to actually ctb (which is going to be forever as I'm basically too weak in everything), I'm forced to go through life and so I'm forced to actually do stuff. I just hope we find peace soon

Yeah, neurodivergence seems to be the root cause of both of our issues. I wish that I could've been neurotypical or lived in a neurodivergent society instead of this one. By failure to launch, I mean failure to transition into adulthood and the workforce/working world, failure to get a job and be independent. I never wanted to be an adult though. Ever since I was little, I never wanted to grow up. I never had a dream job or career, and I never saw myself as or becoming an actual adult. I never imagined myself living past 18. I've basically been a shut-in/hiki ever since I graduated college last year. I just stay at home doing nothing. I wish that we weren't expected to work or earn a living. I hate that these responsibilities, demands, and obligations are imposed onto us simply because we're alive. Honestly, I never wanted to exist in the first place. If I had a choice, I would've gladly never been born.

I always thought that other people's lives were more interesting than mine. I've always wished and wanted to be someone else instead of me. Unfortunately I can only "be [myself], everyone else is taken". I don't even know myself though.

Same, I want to escape work as well so I'm planning to ctb anytime before 25. I hate that society imposes these demands onto us. I hate that we're expected to become wageslaves to capitalism and work for a living. I don't want to have to do these things. I hate that we have to *earn* our livings and that it costs money to exist on this planet. I never wanted to be here in the first place, and I have to pay? Sounds absurd to me. I'm not a good fit for society and I don't see why I have to participate in it. I feel like I wasn't meant to exist in this world. I don't belong in it, and I hate being here. I wish that I could just die painlessly in my sleep but sadly it isn't that easy.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Yeah, neurodivergence seems to be the root cause of both of our issues. I wish that I could've been neurotypical or lived in a neurodivergent society instead of this one. By failure to launch, I mean failure to transition into adulthood and the workforce/working world, failure to get a job and be independent. I never wanted to be an adult though. Ever since I was little, I never wanted to grow up. I never had a dream job or career, and I never saw myself as or becoming an actual adult. I never imagined myself living past 18. I've basically been a shut-in/hiki ever since I graduated college last year. I just stay at home doing nothing. I wish that we weren't expected to work or earn a living. I hate that these responsibilities, demands, and obligations are imposed onto us simply because we're alive. Honestly, I never wanted to exist in the first place. If I had a choice, I would've gladly never been born.

I wish that I was neurotypical too. I'll never understand those who happily embrace their neurotype but more power to them I guess. Also, I failed to transition into an adult too. My skills and capabilities are those of a child's. I never wanted to grow up and work either and I hope I can still save myself from this life via suicide. I would choose to not be born too and I'll never understand those who are happy and grateful to be alive

I always thought that other people's lives were more interesting than mine. I've always wished and wanted to be someone else instead of me. Unfortunately I can only "be [myself], everyone else is taken". I don't even know myself though.

I don't even know myself either or at least that's what I tell myself as I hope that there's more to me than I shared in my first post in this thread. Being like this sucks and I hope we both get out of thus predicament soon

Same, I want to escape work as well so I'm planning to ctb anytime before 25. I hate that society imposes these demands onto us. I hate that we're expected to become wageslaves to capitalism and work for a living. I don't want to have to do these things. I hate that we have to *earn* our livings and that it costs money to exist on this planet. I never wanted to be here in the first place, and I have to pay? Sounds absurd to me. I'm not a good fit for society and I don't see why I have to participate in it. I feel like I wasn't meant to exist in this world. I don't belong in it, and I hate being here. I wish that I could just die painlessly in my sleep but sadly it isn't that easy.

I wish you the best of luck with ctb if you actually go down that path. I don't like the idea of earning to live either. In fact, I just think that I'm too weak for that hence I have to die out. If suicide doesn't kill me, my lack of skills would. Hopefully we both find peace in this atrocious, harsh world