How to avoid SI kicking in with SN

[affirmatice]

I thought a lot about whether or not I wanted to stay and give everything a shot.

I thought a lot about my future, potential experiences, love, fun, my family, friends, etc.

But at the end of the day, If you gave me a button that would painlessly, instantly allow me to CTB. I definitely wouldn't be here by tomorrow. So I guess the main thing that's really holding me back is the entire process of CTB.

I bought SN, and i don't know if it's right for me. But I can't shake the feeling that I will call the police for help if I go through with it. Especially if distressing physical symptoms start setting in. Even 10-20 minutes I think is too much time for me to sit and realize what I've done, and the SI to kick in.

No matter how much pain and hopelessness I'm in, I cannot predict how I will feel or react after even that first sip.

 

[KillingPain267]

If you are unsure and think there is a treatment or life change that may help you recover, go ahead and give it a shot. You can always come back to ctb and sn later if things get worse or recovery failed. It's always better to postpone ctb than to rush it impulsively.

 

[affirmatice]

If you are unsure and think there is a treatment or life change that may help you recover, go ahead and give it a shot. You can always come back to ctb and sn later if things get worse or recovery failed. It's always better to postpone ctb than to rush it impulsively.

I don't know if there is a treatment or life change that will help me. I would try to give it a shot, but i'm almost certain that I will never be fully happy with myself.

I've already lost 5 years to depression and anxiety. That in itself makes me feel even worse. Everyday that I'm struggling, i'm missing out on life and missing out on becoming the person I want to be.

I tried my hardest truly to be happy. Every single thing in my life that I could improve on, i improved. But I'm still unable to overcome the physical limitations that constantly drag my mind down. It's sad because I know I could've had a great life, but I just cannot overcome this I think.

Even if i continue to put a mask on. Work hard in everything I do, Have everything this world can offer. I think deep down I'll never feel enough to be happy with myself. I'm hurting bad right now. Not only because of how I feel, because I'm also beginning to recognize that I think this is my only option. Of course I can live, I can try, but if i'm almost certain that the future only holds more pain, insecurity, suffering. Then I just don't want that to be my life.

I think at this point, I'm mourning the person I know I could be, but never will be. I want to stay alive and live out my dreams, but I know that it's not possible anymore. Dreams mean nothing when you can't ever be content with yourself.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also just wish for a button to die painlessly, it feels so cruel to me how I cannot have such and the suffering continues instead. But anyway I wish you the best.