How the hell is recovery possible without friends who care about me?

[BabyYoda]

Idk, I don't think it's possible. My reasons to CTB are connected to personal relationships so why bother recovering if my relationships are shit. I can't do much except talk online due to the lockdown. I know I SHOULD be recovering but I'm not, it's incredibly difficult to do so and I'm not making progress. If I do make progress I fall back to square one. I really want to get my old life back. Why can't I be strong like everyone else. Why can't I enjoy being alone?

My options include:
1.) Improving the relationships that I have now
2.) Be "happy" alone
3.) Channel my feelings in art

For option #1, I cannot control what others think of me. For #2, I've tried it. I grew insane especially with this social isolation thing. For #3, I have no idea how to do this, it's been a while since I've really drawn something. And it doesn't get rid of the problem itself, it only eases my mind.

Also how the hell do I recover when my life turns to complete shit and I can do nothing about it. I don't want to get rid of the symptoms, I want to get rid of the cause. And what if I'm a person worth nothing, what the hell do I do about it???????????

Regarding CTB, I realized that I actually don't want to die. This does not mean I'm pro-life. I dream of having a nice life where I travel around Japan with my partner. But I don't see how that is possible with the person I am and my circumstances. Maybe I should BELIEVE in myself idk???????? And what if nobody loves me anymore, should I decide to CTB for good?

Ugh, it's so difficult to decide whether to recover or not. Sometimes my external circumstances are more than what I can handle.
Also, I admit that there are flaws in my way of thinking, see my profile page for reference. None of what I say makes sense but I cannot help but believe what I think. Because what if they're true. There's absolutely no guarantee that I will NOT have a partner or best friend, but something makes me believe otherwise.

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

Here are some things to consider:
The old "there are more fish in the sea" cliche holds its ground quite well. I'm still getting the hang of Snapchat, but from what I see it's a fairly good system of gaining new friends.
I do mean actual friends and not a fuck buddy. I've been doing these "global story" things for a few days now, gained a strange following primarily of Arabs and french people.
Most of the Arabs don't want me dead, surprisingly. I live in Israel, or Palestine-except-jews-murdered-everybody-aaaaaa.
There are a few dicks, though. As for the French? No fucking clue.
My point is I believe if you start your own "channel", people will flock to you. I don't do anything in particular, just walk and ramble about how I'm losing my goddamn mind. Some people like that, it seems.
There's some weird porn "channels" there, though.
Still, #1 and #2 require some work from both sides.
#3 is a VERY vast pool of potential. Art is not just drawing. Have you tried writing? Dancing? Singing? Photography? Sculpting or molding?
I know there's a nutcase out there who drew a black square and managed to sell that shit for a large sum of money. IMO, fucking people's heads into paying a large sum of money for a black square is an art form of its own.
When it comes to art, don't afraid to just randomly fuck around with things.

 

[CynicalHopelessness]

I know I SHOULD be recovering but I'm not

How do you know you should? How do you know you aren't?
If you aren't going to live somebody else's idea of a good life, it's important to have a good criteria for making progress that allow you to make adjustments to the methods you're using.

My options include:

Where's "4) find new people"?
No, I'm not saying it's going to be easy. In fact, I haven't figured it out for myself but it's probably the only real option. You cannot improve relationships with others but you can become a better person and set up limits as to what you want to get from communicating with that person and don't go past them (also that's how I'd answer regarding different political views). I also believe that finding a person whom you going to love entirely is, well, out of the question unless you lie to yourself, so get your enjoyment out of communication as much as you can.

I don't want to get rid of the symptoms, I want to get rid of the cause.

That is a destructive position.

Let me explain with an analogy: your tooth hurts and you can't think clearly. You:
- take painkillers to numb the pain so you can function and call a dentist
- go to dentist, he says you have caries, so you get the tooth patched
- go to dietologist, he says you got caries because of your bad eating habits
- go to psychologist, after several weeks you both discover that you got bad eating habits because of your parents' abusive behavior towards you in early childhood that you have blocked in your memory.

I mean, the chain of events, the actual cause is probably too deep and blurred and there are several factors at play, and you want be able to solve all of them without time travel at least, but you should do all these steps for as much as you can. Still, you start with painkillers (or dentist), not the psychologist. In fact you might never reach psychologist stage because you have enough to move forward.

I believe similar process is applicable to mental issues. Fix them in every step you are able to, don't look for mysterious cause.

 

[Deleted member 14573]

Why can't I be strong like everyone else. Why can't I enjoy being alone?

Hard relate.
I lost 4 close friends and a family member in the last 6 months. Each in their own tragic way. Since their deaths I have noticed a shift in my psyche.

I used to enjoy my alone time. I had no qualms with being left alone. Perhaps it was because I felt that the people I love will always be there. But now I have intense separation anxiety. Because I don't know how long my friends and family will live. I'm too young to feel this way.

A very painful reality to accept is that once someone dies, they are well and truly gone . Experiencing this multiple times in close succession has made me fully aware of my own mortality as well as those around me.

I CAN NOT stand to be alone. I am always on a call with a friend. I have reached out to people I haven't spoken to since last year and we have made exciting plans for when this lock down period is over.

I apologise for not addressing your post entirely but I felt that I could relate to you on that part.

 

[tooStupidForExitBag]

I relate to a lot of what you're saying. It fucking sucks being alone, having no meaningful relationships.

I definitely agree with @CynicalHopelessness about option 4. This is my only option if I wish to recover. It takes time and effort, and honestly the odds are stacked against you. Finding a meanigful relationship is like looking for a needle in a haystack. I think the easiest way to accomplish this is probably to get into a hobby. Let's say you like chess, then join a chess club. At first the relationships will be shallow and there's no real way of knowing if they'll grow over time or not, but perhaps it's worth a shot.

I don't want to get rid of the symptoms, I want to get rid of the cause.

Honestly, this is probably something you only think because you feel the effects of the symptoms. If the symptoms were gone, then I doubt you'd actually care about why. I have no idea if this is actually a good mindset or not, but it does give you more options about how to solve the problem.

And what if I'm a person worth nothing, what the hell do I do about it???????????

No one is actually worth anything, yet people choose to see value anyways. If you don't see worth in yourself, then that is something you should fix for your own good. Having self-worth is a good trait that attracts people, but this only accounts for a fraction of how people will perceive you. How you perceive yourself will not affect how others perceive you. You'll just have to grind it out until you find the right people in your life. I'm sure that a lot of people here on SS see your worth. I for one think your posts are really insightful, they've helped me a lot when thinking about my own situation.

Regarding CTB, I realized that I actually don't want to die. This does not mean I'm pro-life. I dream of having a nice life where I travel around Japan with my partner. But I don't see how that is possible with the person I am and my circumstances. Maybe I should BELIEVE in myself idk????????

It's good that you've got a clear image of how you want your life to look, use that! Think about your situation and concrete things you can do which will move you towards your dream. To improve self-worth, it can also be good to think of which steps you've already taken towards your goal. It's honestly quite vexing how much energy you have to put in, and there's always some luck involved. But you can do things to increase your chances, what you should ask yourself is if your dream is worth it? If you feel strongly for it then why not put in the work, you already have a huge advantage knowing that you have a plan B in place (ctb).

And what if nobody loves me anymore, should I decide to CTB for good?

Why think about that now? You'll cross that bridge when you come to it. Life is complicated as hell, so focus your attention on how to succeed instead.

 

[sunny.sativa]

Hello :)

I don't want to offer one of those annoying, cliche, fortune cookie answers, but I'm going to offer how I feel.

You've recognized that you're hurting, done some reflecting to try and figure out why, and now you want to make it better, no? That's a very HUGE accomplishment. You have GOT to hear how incredible that actually is, whether you feel like it is or not. Many people can't do this for themselves, so hey- you're doing great.

As you already know, we can't control jack shit. Everything is constantly out of control and as much as we wanna make it perfect, it's not. And that sucks. But if that's the way it is, there's really no reason to be upset about it. Life is gonna go the way it wants, but we can accept it and roll with what it gives us.
Personally, I had to stop giving a shit about the perfect outcome because sometimes, that's not even possible. I was constantly angry at life for not doing what I said, but... it didn't help me at all. I had to learn how to take what I was given and try to MAKE something with it. Even when it sucked. Eventually, there was some small bleb of beauty and it was 10000x better than I thought it would be. Worth the wait.

I'm not saying this is how you should think, I know it's not a solution for the whole world, but it sure eased my mind, personally.

I'm really bad at making friends, I think I tricked myself into thinking I enjoyed solitude but you're absolutely right- people are gonna think what they want, but you can't please everyone. It's the ones who matter that stick around. Friendships happen at the weirdest times, in the strangest ways. I SWEAR, you will not die alone, with no friends and no partner. But to support this, don't push people away. I understand how this habit is, because I do it all the time. I don't let anyone in, then wonder why I have no one to run to. Accept people that want to help you, and be there for each other.

You're wonderful. Wait this one out, alright? Plants got me out of a hard time, as weird as it sounds. I started planting a shit ton of things in pots and woke up everyday only to feed them and sing to them. I lived solely for plants, which is sad but I'm alive and having a much easier time than I was back then.

Wait it out. Do something for you <3