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- Sep 12, 2020
- 1,043
Currently looking for a new therapist - or to be more precise, I have tried. My day started with getting a call back from a therapist's office. The receptionist told me, considering that I had already had so many therapy sessions and that they have more urgent cases (without knowing what was going on with me, although I said on the first phone call that I am chronically suicidal), they can't/won't accept me. I never talked to the actual therapist. The receptionist sounded like she was uncomfortable saying that and seemed relieved when I said goodbye.
What else has to happen for my case to be urgent? How suicidal do I have to get? Why does no one understand that the boundaries between chronic suicidality and acute suicidality can be blurred? Do they even know what that means?
Apparently, I am not even suicidal enough when I have compulsive suicidal impulses that actually cause me to act. What was initially just watching trains from a distance has become an approach that is no longer just a coping method, but a playing with fire, tempting fate and death. How many times do I have to stand on the trains tracks, how long will I manage to stretch out the time until the lights get close enough, how long will I manage not to stand still?
I can only vaguely remember how something held me back from going onto the tracks, but by now I've lost that fear. No, I stand still, I HAVE to, and it feels like I'm forcing myself to stand still even longer more and more often, even though I can see the approaching lights coming toward me. Although I can choose an almost failsafe method that requires planning (SN), the desperation and longing for a quicker and brutal end is just too great. Maybe the "suck it up" mentality I'm facing, along with this crappy therapy situation, is exactly what I need.
I have read literature on the subject of (chronic) suicidality, but cannot help myself. I feel as if I am watching a test object slowly but steadily fail.
My health insurance company doesn't give a shit about me, and that's a good thing for everyone else. Money will be saved. Social Darwinism will win, sooner or later. The parasite has to die. But it hurts like hell.
What else has to happen for my case to be urgent? How suicidal do I have to get? Why does no one understand that the boundaries between chronic suicidality and acute suicidality can be blurred? Do they even know what that means?
Apparently, I am not even suicidal enough when I have compulsive suicidal impulses that actually cause me to act. What was initially just watching trains from a distance has become an approach that is no longer just a coping method, but a playing with fire, tempting fate and death. How many times do I have to stand on the trains tracks, how long will I manage to stretch out the time until the lights get close enough, how long will I manage not to stand still?
I can only vaguely remember how something held me back from going onto the tracks, but by now I've lost that fear. No, I stand still, I HAVE to, and it feels like I'm forcing myself to stand still even longer more and more often, even though I can see the approaching lights coming toward me. Although I can choose an almost failsafe method that requires planning (SN), the desperation and longing for a quicker and brutal end is just too great. Maybe the "suck it up" mentality I'm facing, along with this crappy therapy situation, is exactly what I need.
I have read literature on the subject of (chronic) suicidality, but cannot help myself. I feel as if I am watching a test object slowly but steadily fail.
My health insurance company doesn't give a shit about me, and that's a good thing for everyone else. Money will be saved. Social Darwinism will win, sooner or later. The parasite has to die. But it hurts like hell.