Zneko
Member
- Sep 3, 2020
- 21
I'm gonna CTB soon my mother knows I'm suicidal and so does most my family. Last year I attempted suicide and ended up in the hospital. When I got out I told them I needed 2 things not to be alone and not to have my phone due to me having issues with remembering something that was driving me insane and not allowing me to think clearly. So what does everyone do well to be fair my mother doesn't have the ability to drive to see me which was technically helpful as she makes me suicidal by herself. My aunt though just called me for the most part but left the whole watching me and keeping me company up to my physically abusive ex/roommate who technically cared more than them I guess even if he does ignore me and hurt me. The rest of my family expected me to drive to them anytime I wanted to see them and only after months did one person actually come out. In a sense for them it was lucky for the first few months I wasn't thinking straight and most of my suicide attempts weren't well thought out and we're more spur of the moment. Like me trying to cut my throat with a knife, or a razor blade which I guess they don't make well enough to cut anymore... Then I focused on asphyxiation through carotid arteries after remembering how some people had me prove I was suicidal by making me choke myself out over video which I had not thought of before. That didn't work cause I cannot seem to depress them enough. I tried SN but did it wrong and barfed everywhere last Christmas. Now I've found the CO method and it seems perfect.
My mother is flipping out trying to tell me people in the family love me though and they did everything they could. She asked me what she could do to fix the issue recently and I brought up how I had asked for help from my family after I got out in trying to contact the guy I was having mem issues involving cause his family had convinced him that I was trolling him about them. Litteraly asked them just to make a twitter account and let him know I wouldn't do something like that. My nieces refused cause he's famous, my aunt and mom used the excuse that they don't know how. My aunt had me make her one then almost never used it and recently acted like she didn't even have one... When it's been a year+. My mother and aunt want me to tell them everything to do but wouldn't try to reach out for me which just lead me who wasn't stable to realize if I didn't reach out myself no one would they kept telling me they loved me at that time so I was somewhat fooled. But now I am stable again I can think much more clearly I realize there was a time frame where I could have reached out to him and possibly convinced him I wasn't trolling him and that had they actually shown support for that initially maybe that would have helped but it's been a year and he's definitely not gonna change now so I already wanted to commit suicide before these events were just the nails in the coffin and I am ready to go.
My upset mother though who won't do anything for herself in this regard posted a message to him once recently... She then told me she did everything she could and didn't know what else to do for 2 days. But as soon as she got mad at me for not believing she loved me she was able to spend 4-5 hours on the phone telling my aunt I'm awefull and walking around the house and slam doors and yell and scream at me. So I feel I don't need to concern myself with her anymore. Nor do I care how she'll fair afterwards she literally was telling my aunt I was keeping her hostage because the front door wouldn't open due to humidity, even I had to use the back door and go out the garage to get out of the house. I was working at home at this time and she expected me to freaking opens door I couldn't even open... She also threatened me with sending me to the hospital and she constantly tells me I don't love her or anyone else for being suicidal. I literally am the only one who makes sure my mother has food to eat in the family when I have 3 older sisters, 3 aunts and an uncle, nieces that are the same age as me... I always ask how my nieces and nephews are doing how my aunt's are doing cousins etc but I just never felt I could see them due to being so depressed I definitely didn't want to be around any kids feeling suicidal so I wasn't going to be going to my youngest nieces and nephews. Honestly how the fuck do they expect me to feel? People who tell you they love you but don't lift a single finger to call you, check up on you or write a damn message to someone. If I felt like they cared in the first place I probably wouldn't have had a hard time with the memory issues cause I would have reached out to them when I was having them.
My mother is flipping out trying to tell me people in the family love me though and they did everything they could. She asked me what she could do to fix the issue recently and I brought up how I had asked for help from my family after I got out in trying to contact the guy I was having mem issues involving cause his family had convinced him that I was trolling him about them. Litteraly asked them just to make a twitter account and let him know I wouldn't do something like that. My nieces refused cause he's famous, my aunt and mom used the excuse that they don't know how. My aunt had me make her one then almost never used it and recently acted like she didn't even have one... When it's been a year+. My mother and aunt want me to tell them everything to do but wouldn't try to reach out for me which just lead me who wasn't stable to realize if I didn't reach out myself no one would they kept telling me they loved me at that time so I was somewhat fooled. But now I am stable again I can think much more clearly I realize there was a time frame where I could have reached out to him and possibly convinced him I wasn't trolling him and that had they actually shown support for that initially maybe that would have helped but it's been a year and he's definitely not gonna change now so I already wanted to commit suicide before these events were just the nails in the coffin and I am ready to go.
My upset mother though who won't do anything for herself in this regard posted a message to him once recently... She then told me she did everything she could and didn't know what else to do for 2 days. But as soon as she got mad at me for not believing she loved me she was able to spend 4-5 hours on the phone telling my aunt I'm awefull and walking around the house and slam doors and yell and scream at me. So I feel I don't need to concern myself with her anymore. Nor do I care how she'll fair afterwards she literally was telling my aunt I was keeping her hostage because the front door wouldn't open due to humidity, even I had to use the back door and go out the garage to get out of the house. I was working at home at this time and she expected me to freaking opens door I couldn't even open... She also threatened me with sending me to the hospital and she constantly tells me I don't love her or anyone else for being suicidal. I literally am the only one who makes sure my mother has food to eat in the family when I have 3 older sisters, 3 aunts and an uncle, nieces that are the same age as me... I always ask how my nieces and nephews are doing how my aunt's are doing cousins etc but I just never felt I could see them due to being so depressed I definitely didn't want to be around any kids feeling suicidal so I wasn't going to be going to my youngest nieces and nephews. Honestly how the fuck do they expect me to feel? People who tell you they love you but don't lift a single finger to call you, check up on you or write a damn message to someone. If I felt like they cared in the first place I probably wouldn't have had a hard time with the memory issues cause I would have reached out to them when I was having them.
