My whole life was a struggle.
My sister died when i was 5. She was only 3 days old. Tragic case of genetic illness.
Ever since, my life was unbearable. I had so much trouble in connecting with people.
Then, there were a couple of years when I thought I've overcome it. I had really good friends, a beautiful girlfriend, but I still wasn't able to enjoy it at that time.
Without realizing, I was too sensitive. This relationship became a nightmare for both of us. But the moments we spent time together on vacation or something else were as magic as in the beginning.
I destroyed it by several things, but most importantly by not being able to realize it.
I've had it all — a great career, good friends, a relationship with the girl of my dreams. For 5 years. Then I left in an argument when I was still in the delusion, the problem is on her.
Now, I've lost everything— stuck in career, lost home (living with my only loser friend instill have), lost friends.
I spent the last year in the dilusion of hope. I managed to get some clients, I enjoyed sports and got into the best shape of my whole life. First time, I don't feel outright ugly. I even got a new relationship. I tried to reconnect to old friends.
But life is unbearable for me again.
Its like i lived in prison from 5-30y , then was free and really, really doing good from 30-35, but I wasn't prepared for the "normal life of my dreams". Then i took the chance to get back on track in the last year. Whatever successes I've had, nine of them could even remotely replace what I've lost. I'm back in prison again. But this time there is no hope.
Think of eating dog food for 30years, than have the best food of the world for another five and fall down to dog food again without hope that it ever will get better
I just cannot go to the hell of my first 30 years for the rest of my life, and yet, it seems that is my only option.
How could I cope with that ?
Seems like i can't.
Its not that I crave a life "out of my league", its nit an unrealistic dream. I've had it. More than I dared to dream. Now its gone. And its my fault.
I cannot let go of the best (and only good) time of my life
I cannot forgive myself for destroying it
I cannot be content with the second best option that is possible at best
Maybe CTB is the only option for me. Or is there anything I haven't tried already?
My sister died when i was 5. She was only 3 days old. Tragic case of genetic illness.
Ever since, my life was unbearable. I had so much trouble in connecting with people.
Then, there were a couple of years when I thought I've overcome it. I had really good friends, a beautiful girlfriend, but I still wasn't able to enjoy it at that time.
Without realizing, I was too sensitive. This relationship became a nightmare for both of us. But the moments we spent time together on vacation or something else were as magic as in the beginning.
I destroyed it by several things, but most importantly by not being able to realize it.
I've had it all — a great career, good friends, a relationship with the girl of my dreams. For 5 years. Then I left in an argument when I was still in the delusion, the problem is on her.
Now, I've lost everything— stuck in career, lost home (living with my only loser friend instill have), lost friends.
I spent the last year in the dilusion of hope. I managed to get some clients, I enjoyed sports and got into the best shape of my whole life. First time, I don't feel outright ugly. I even got a new relationship. I tried to reconnect to old friends.
But life is unbearable for me again.
Its like i lived in prison from 5-30y , then was free and really, really doing good from 30-35, but I wasn't prepared for the "normal life of my dreams". Then i took the chance to get back on track in the last year. Whatever successes I've had, nine of them could even remotely replace what I've lost. I'm back in prison again. But this time there is no hope.
Think of eating dog food for 30years, than have the best food of the world for another five and fall down to dog food again without hope that it ever will get better
I just cannot go to the hell of my first 30 years for the rest of my life, and yet, it seems that is my only option.
How could I cope with that ?
Seems like i can't.
Its not that I crave a life "out of my league", its nit an unrealistic dream. I've had it. More than I dared to dream. Now its gone. And its my fault.
I cannot let go of the best (and only good) time of my life
I cannot forgive myself for destroying it
I cannot be content with the second best option that is possible at best
Maybe CTB is the only option for me. Or is there anything I haven't tried already?
