How self-assured about ctb are people that are successful with it?

[ZeldaNLink1999]

Hi guys,

I posted a thread here in the middle of january. I still had a chance back then to gain an adapted job, due to mental illness.

Right now, however, it definately seems like I won't get this job. I have been chronically unemployed since 2017, due to my 3 diagnoses.

I managed to get through a construction degree too... even two stunts at university. Probably failed like 8 jobs... Well well, my question:

How self-assured about ctb are people that manage to go through the act?

I mean, if I won't be able to hold down a job, and only live on disability, then of course I can upgrade my computer a little, so I can play video games all day long, but I will eventually get tired of that. Maybe do 1 or 2 journeys in my country and/or abroad. But after that, I just feel done.

Whats the point of just living on disability? I'm quite a deep thinker and I live to appreciate life, since I'm high in openess, but just existing, I don't think that's for me.

I really enjoy the arts, writing, photography, but now? No, I have lost interest in everything. I dont even care about reading fiction and poetry, anymore.

Why would I care about these things? When 3 diagnoses takes over your life, you just stop caring about life, since nothing really matters anymore, on a deeper level.

I'm pretty confident that I want do ctb. I just feel a little nervous about it. Maybe if I do what I still want to do, then it will come naturally? Within 1 or 2 years, maybe.

Were people that did ctb, in that position? They had just done everything. It just came natural, in the end? Have they just noticed that there is clearly nothing left in life? Before, when I was an amateur and tried to ctb, I felt really sad about dying, but I wouldn't think it was sad today. Just nervous about discomfort.

I was thinking about sodium nitrite as my method. I have plenty of Olanzapine from my doctor. The only thing I would want would be either weed or bensodiazepines, to relax.

By the way, I take Lithium, would my Lithium interact with sodium nitrite, in my blood stream? Since both are salts. Was thinking about that.

I am 32 by the way, and maybe I could live about 40 more years, before I would die naturally. Just spending 40 years on disability, it feels like a prison.

Enjoy wednesday.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that those who managed to go through with ctb found a method that they felt confident in and they just knew that it was the right time for them to exit existence, which allowed them to overcome the instinct to survive. And maybe many people just got so desperate to leave, but after all suicide is something which isn't straightforward so I believe that someone would have to be certain about their decision in order to overcome the difficulties involved in finally leaving this world.

 

[ZeldaNLink1999]

Ok, I will try to find some research chemicals that are legal, so that I pass out quickly before the SN hits the system. Wish I had such sources. Will look it up.

 

[ThisIsLife]

I'm in a different situation, but i think i understand what you mean.

When we reach a point in life where we can't get any satisfaction from anything, and that there is no more any difference between the past, the present and the future we could project ourselves in, we get confused more by the eventual outcome of contiuing our path alive than by dying, because we tend to pay more attention to our failure(s) as a reason to stop trying than to death as a mean to not have to anymore. And when we start thinking about death in that context or afterwards, trying to conceptualise how to not fail can be frustrating, if not exhausting because that's where we unconsciously understand very deeply that there is nothing more definitive and sealed than that. We know that there is no turning back possible. That's how scary things are for the most of us i believe.
That said, there are many more parameters at play for a lot of individuals, such as our education, our beliefs, our experience with death since plenty of us have been confronted unvolontarily to it one way or the other, our capacity to endure emotional pain or even disabilities, mental or physical, and that's why our reasons to CTB depend either on willing to or needing to.

I think that those who manage to go through, succeed because they feel the need.
Are you confident that you want to CTB or that you need to CTB ?

 

[ZeldaNLink1999]

I think with time, I need to ctb. But, not right now. I will probably get permanent disability benefits within a year. I still want to travel with my father. Read a good fantasy series. Play some video games. I just cant take the risk of being at a care facility in my 30s. I just dont know how I will react to not having a job and to not afford much. It all depends how my reaction to not having a job will be. If I feel completely done with my adventure, I will ctb. Its ok, I feel at peace with it. I did my best. Who knows, it might be in 6 months or 3 years. I dont feel in a hurry, as long as I have money for the SN resources. I was thinking about assisted suicide in Switzerland too, but pretty expensive.