How often do you go out?

[throwaway123]

I try to avoid it as much as possible. I only go out when I'm forced to.

Today I wanted to CTB but when I looked into the mirror I decided otherwise. There is no way I use public transportation with my ugly face. I wish I could just tear it off. If I had a car I wouldn't be stuck in this miserable situation.

I know, maybe it's just another lazy excuse. I know I'll have to force myself to do it. But what good does that do?
I want to go on my own terms as comfortable as possible. Only that makes death satisfying,right?

But maybe I've reached a point where I just don't care anymore. Maybe the method doesn't matter? I don't know. It's different for everyone.

I remember a couple of years ago, I'd go out every day full of energy trying to find good spots to CTB.
My face was okay back then. I looked normal but now I look like a junkie and people also look at me in that way and I take notice. I don't want to go out anymore. Sometimes at night I wear masks so people don't see my ugly face. I can only do that in the winter. My looks are one of the small reasons I want to CTB. Genetics play a huge role. But at the same time my face is one of the biggest reasons I avoid going out and it's the number one reason as to why I haven't CTB yet. The reactions people have when seeing me. I can't stand it. The social anxiety and the constant panic attacks I have when I'm in the tram. I can't bear it.
Maybe if I had N or a gun I'd head into the woods and do it. I've been to the woods before. In the winter, it's the perfect place to CTB. I know I'll never get a gun or N and that's not fair. I deserve a peaceful death just like everyone else. Even in death, life is not fair.

I was thinking about waiting until next year to CTB when I can rent a car but I don't want to wait that long.
My desire to die is great but my desire to stay in my comfort zone is greater. Maybe I'm forced to wait and endure this shitty life a little longer. I can't even decide when I die. I have zero control.

Would you be suprised if I said that having no control over my life is also one of the reasons why I want to CTB?

 

[Nofaith]

Would you be suprised if I said that having no control over my life is also one of the reasons why I want to CTB?

That's everyone's reason when you think about it. Everyone here as no control over some or maybe all aspects of their life. Ctb can be viewed as a way of taking back that control.

 

[trilogy]

only when i have class or therapy... haha

 

[SetInWays]

I'm forced to leave home when I go to work.
I don't go shopping, not even for groceries.
I work somewhere with food, so I usually get everything before I leave for the day.

 

[DeletedUser4739]

That's everyone's reason when you think about it. Everyone here as no control over some or maybe all aspects of their life. Ctb can be viewed as a way of taking back that control.

for me, my first priority is ending the constant pain i'm in, the second is to gain control over something in my life in ending it. i've been seeking help for so long, i feel i have no other choice left.

 

[throwaway123]

That's everyone's reason when you think about it. Everyone here as no control over some or maybe all aspects of their life. Ctb can be viewed as a way of taking back that control.

But what happens when you have no control over the CTB aspect?

 

[Nofaith]

But what happens when you have no control over the CTB aspect?

That's a thought too horrible to think about. The only thing that gives me peace is knowing I can end it.

I refuse to accept that, there isn't a way to do it. That's why it's so important to do it correctly. I don't want to end up paralysed and trapped. My uncle did that, took him 2 years before he finally died.

 

[IG959]

It depends, I usually try to go out and see my friends when I'm not feeling ill from meds. I usually go out on a Saturday at least

 

[DarkTear]

I try to avoid it as much as possible. I only go out when I'm forced to.

Same...
The only places I've been in the last 6 months have been doctors appointments, driving to quiet places at night (to see something different than my ceiling) and the woods (less people, peaceful and I'm also keeping an eye our for places to CTB there...).

Would you be suprised if I said that having no control over my life is also one of the reasons why I want to CTB?

Before the last half year, I also went to work. I can't imagine that at my condition anymore... So it started in April when I lost control over everything.
My private life makes no sense anymore, I find no enjoyment in anything, everything seems useless. I'm useless.
And maybe I'll lose my job sometime in the future due to my long absence. Everything seems to be out of control.
But the more control is lost, the easier will it be to CTB, right?
I'm literally just waiting for my life to go even worse...

 

[DeletedUser4739]

I basically only leave the house for doctor, medical related or social services appointments. I dread those. I have an appointment to meet with a disability advocate in about seven hours. And while this appointment should be helpful, I will likely be up all night worried and anxious about it. Trying to medicate myself to sleep now.

 

[throwaway123]

Same...
The only places I've been in the last 6 months have been doctors appointments, driving to quiet places at night (to see something different than my ceiling) and the woods (less people, peaceful and I'm also keeping an eye our for places to CTB there...).


Before the last half year, I also went to work. I can't imagine that at my condition anymore... So it started in April when I lost control over everything.
My private life makes no sense anymore, I find no enjoyment in anything, everything seems useless. I'm useless.
And maybe I'll lose my job sometime in the future due to my long absence. Everything seems to be out of control.
But the more control is lost, the easier will it be to CTB, right?
I'm literally just waiting for my life to go even worse...

I was always afraid of my life getting worse but now I'm actually looking forward to it.
The worse it gets the more motivation I have to CTB, right?

 

[DarkTear]

Yes, that's what I meant. I don't know if it's the same for you, but my motivation to give life a chance sinks with all the things going wrong. And therefore the toughts about CTB are getting more acceptable...

 

[throwaway123]

Yes, that's what I meant. I don't know if it's the same for you, but my motivation to give life a chance sinks with all the things going wrong. And therefore the toughts about CTB are getting more acceptable...

I never thought of it in this way. Thinking about it in this way is much more comforting.

I orginally wanted to CTB before my life would get worse but I am incapable of CTB. I mean I have nothing to lose if I CTB. So when I've reached rock bottom it should be a lot easier to CTB,right?. Because it just couldn't get any worse.
Just the process of things getting worse. All the pain. That scares me.
Life is also scary but when the terrors of life are greater than the terrors of death, you won't hesitate to CTB. At least that is how I perceive it at the moment. It is a very painful process.

 

[QueenEtna]

Only when I have work.

 

[DarkTear]

I never thought of it in this way. Thinking about it in this way is much more comforting.

I'm glad that I could inspire you...
However, I'd recommend everyone to not just wait for everything getting worse but also trying to fix problems whilst it's not too late (if possible).

I orginally wanted to CTB before my life would get worse but I am incapable of CTB.

I couldn't do that. I will only be able to CTB when I'm feeling completely ruined. Basically my life is screwed up for the last 13 years - but not enough to CTB. I'm getting close, that's why I'm here and preparing everything.

So when I've reached rock bottom it should be a lot easier to CTB,right?

Yes, I would guess so.

 

[Kev]

I go out pretty much every day. I have classes, go to the gym, go to the library for groupwork/studying, run errands, and try to maintain an active social life since I have an extroverted personality and being with friends is the only thing that is able to sometimes relieve my suffering. I am scared that I will not be able to go through with CTB and don't want my life to get worse so I still maintain a fairly normal, productive life. Don't get me wrong though, there are days or stretches of multiple days where I simply cannot do it and shut myself in my room. I have to take some form of drug to perform some daily function: kratom (an opioid like substance) for any social interaction, adderall for doing schoolwork, weed and 3 types of sleep meds to help me sleep, on top of 3 different antidepressants I'm taking.

I'm one of those people who seem like they would never be suicidal on the outside.

 

[Jon86]

Groceries, laundry, therapist, that's it right now. I go through a cycle of getting back to work and quitting back to the abyss of solitude on a yearly cycle it seems. Failing to follow through with suicidal plans and failing at getting batter really leaves you in a fucked up place. Been doing this for too long.

 

[NOISYMIND]

I'm going out (of my room) tonight for the first time in 3 weeks. My health problems need to be solved. I can't stand any physical pain anymore. My social anxiety is killing me af though.

 

[satou]

Maybe once a week on average, perhaps even less. There is no place I need to be, don't live independently so I don't even have to go out for food. Cars and people everywhere makes me anxious. It's going to require some mental adjustment when I move out again.

I wish there was a nice abandoned forest I could stroll around in... no such luck.

 

[TengoK]

I'm physically disabled and also have Aspergers Syndrome, so going out is both a physical and a mental nightmare for me. I'm trapped living in an inaccessible block of flats that I can't move out of for various reasons, some of them financial, some about trying to find a new and accessible place to rent, and some for long-held reasons to do with my family that I can't discuss because they put me in an absolute rage.

Because of all that, and unfortunately 'helped' by the fact I work for myself and am based at home (I'm trying to change that and apply for jobs, but somehow employees aren't interested in even shortlisting a 47-year-old disabled guy), I've become severely agoraphobic.

I last left my flat on 4 February 2017. Over 600 days ago. I can barely even open my front door anymore.

It's the ultimate sick joke, really, as I hate this flat and desperately want to leave it and move away from it, but I can't.

Friends have never asked to see me in all that time. Which hurts. I'm not sure how I'd manage it, but if even one of them expressed an interest in me, I might be somehow persuaded.

My housing situation, two disabilities, loneliness and agoraphobia are major contributors to wanting to CTB. My only consolation is that seeing as none of my neighbours know me, I think the chances of being discovered are non-existent. I plan to let my nightmare landlords know about my death by email a couple of days afterwards, but I'm also tempted not to do that and for me to only be discovered when my rent isn't paid or my corpse begins to smell.

So no, I don't go out. At all.

 

[Maravillosa]

I usually go out four or five times a week. My social life, such as it is, revolves around church. I am active in my parish, so in addition to attending Mass (where I occasionally serve as a lector), I also help out with the parish Alpha Course. In addition, I also help with Masses at convalescent homes two Wednesday mornings a month. In non-church related stuff, I shop at the supermarket or dollar store fairly regularly, and visit one of my doctors from time to time.

A couple of days a week, I stay at home all day: on those days, I will often not change out of my nightgown unless guests are expected (which they almost never are).

 

[Trashcan]

I do when I have school, work, shop, or see one of my very few friends.

 

[MachineGunDani]

I leave my bed only when necessary. Which is for work but even that is starting to go downhill. I'm sorry u feel bad about the way u look. I imagine it being a horrible feeling!

 

[Thanassis]

Not much, I don't tend to have money or places to go, and even if I did have these things, I don't have any friends IRL except one person. Every time that I invite my online friends to go out, none of them want to. My best friend of 7 years I met online and we have never seen each other. I won't be able to hug him before I die.
I was a hikikomori my whole adolescence, because I left school early.

I don't like going alone to places since I still present as a girl.

I actually know a person from this forum IRL, he's nice and I've hung out with him a little.

 

[starcrossedfate]

To eat. So 2-3 times a day.

 

[Thanassis]

@TengoK, I also have Aspie, I know the feel. I was agoraphobic for many years especially because my mother would scare me from leaving the house. I had to rebel so I could leave.

Sending hugs.

 

[windingdown]

I mainly go to grocery stores, and to the mental health office for sessions. Contrast that with my old life, of being out all over nearly every day. (I lived in cities and was either on foot or using public transport.)

I had an enjoyable Costco experience the other day. It was warm inside on an autumnal day, it smelled good (kind of like Christmas), and there were good samples (truffle brie from my home county!). Lol.

 

[Final Escape]

I try to avoid it as much as possible. I only go out when I'm forced to.

Today I wanted to CTB but when I looked into the mirror I decided otherwise. There is no way I use public transportation with my ugly face. I wish I could just tear it off. If I had a car I wouldn't be stuck in this miserable situation.

I know, maybe it's just another lazy excuse. I know I'll have to force myself to do it. But what good does that do?
I want to go on my own terms as comfortable as possible. Only that makes death satisfying,right?

But maybe I've reached a point where I just don't care anymore. Maybe the method doesn't matter? I don't know. It's different for everyone.

I remember a couple of years ago, I'd go out every day full of energy trying to find good spots to CTB.
My face was okay back then. I looked normal but now I look like a junkie and people also look at me in that way and I take notice. I don't want to go out anymore. Sometimes at night I wear masks so people don't see my ugly face. I can only do that in the winter. My looks are one of the small reasons I want to CTB. Genetics play a huge role. But at the same time my face is one of the biggest reasons I avoid going out and it's the number one reason as to why I haven't CTB yet. The reactions people have when seeing me. I can't stand it. The social anxiety and the constant panic attacks I have when I'm in the tram. I can't bear it.
Maybe if I had N or a gun I'd head into the woods and do it. I've been to the woods before. In the winter, it's the perfect place to CTB. I know I'll never get a gun or N and that's not fair. I deserve a peaceful death just like everyone else. Even in death, life is not fair.

I was thinking about waiting until next year to CTB when I can rent a car but I don't want to wait that long.
My desire to die is great but my desire to stay in my comfort zone is greater. Maybe I'm forced to wait and endure this shitty life a little longer. I can't even decide when I die. I have zero control.

Would you be suprised if I said that having no control over my life is also one of the reasons why I want to CTB?

Now I'm curious to see your face. What happened to your face?

 

[Escargot Shorts]

at least 2-4 times a week. mostly just to keep up appearances. to maintain bridges. to keep up an emotional connection w/ a romantic partner. but that's about it. rarely does it feel fulfilling.

 

[throwaway123]

Now I'm curious to see your face. What happened to your face?

It's a multitude of different things that resulted in this. I'd prefer not to talk about it in detail. People are usually disgusted by me and I don't want SS members to picture me. Being anonymous helps a lot when you look like me.