Venting How much longer?

[Aplev]

Sometimes it becomes a bit too much. Living I mean.

I haven't stopped having suicidal thoughts, oh no. In fact, I haven't stopped wishing I could just do it. But under my current circumstances, if I failed again, I would go back to hell (aka mental institutions). Wait, current life is not hell? I mean don't get me wrong, it is, but as much as it pains me to say it, being put in the prison that is a mental institution is even worse. I mean, to think that I can experience even worse things that what I am already experiencing, and that in fact that has already been happening as my body and health decade little by little, each day more, so each day the experience becomes worse... maybe better not to think about it.

So how much longer? I just want to cease existing. My health is at a terrible state and I am taking care of my body only the necessary to avoid unbearable pain, so it cannot possibly last much longer, right? ... I sure hope so.
(Wait, if I don't take care of my body now, then the unbearable pain will increase in the future? No but I'll be dead by then... right?)

Some might say it's a terrible thing to not take care of yourself, but honestly, why bother? I just want this to end, like I said, to cease existing, and maybe it's just wishful thinking but maybe this way I can shorten my years. I mean a lot of people who didn't take care of their health ceased living at relatively young ages, right? So why it cannot be me too? Is this a joke? A prank from the Universe?

Everything becomes unbearable. I know, I said to someone that they could stop responding to my messages if they wanted to because I could go on and on. But I didn't really mean it. And they stopped responding. And I felt so rejected and abandoned. How much longer of these unbearable feelings? How worse is it going to get? How worse until I finally die? How many more shed tears until water stops flowing through my body?

I know, maybe they don't mean it, but they hurt me so much. Maybe I hurt them very much too. I can't know.

Human existence is so paradoxical and meaningless. But what am I saying? Even animals existence is paradoxical and doesn't make any sense. Life itself... I just want to stop living, feeling, everything. That is all.

 

[unabletocope]

How long can you last? For me I'm working towards August as my limit

 

[FuneralCry]

I just wish to permanently cease existing as well, in my case eternal nothingness is certainly all I've ever wished for, suffering in this existence truly is so undesirable to me. But anyway best wishes, I hope that you eventually find what you search for.

 

[Aplev]

I just wish to permanently cease existing as well, in my case eternal nothingness is certainly all I've ever wished for, suffering in this existence truly is so undesirable to me. But anyway best wishes, I hope that you eventually find what you search for.

Yes, eternal nothingness, it's the same for me, ever since I was just a few years old so all I've ever wished for. I find our ways of thinking very, very similar and in that sense I truly appreciate your posts and I'll use this opportunity to say thank you for making them. Thank you for your wishes and same for you.

 

[Aplev]

How long can you last? For me I'm working towards August as my limit

I don't know, maybe until they vanish (my "mother" and "father", I don't consider them as such and in fact regret having to name them, but it's otherwise hard for other people to understand, so I settled for quotes). I said mental institutions in my post, but either that or being sent to them would be hell. Once they are vanished, if I fail, at least there's no possibility of being put under their custody because they wouldn't exist anymore. That may take a long time, which is why I am hoping for a more or less natural death (more or less because I know there are some conditions in my body that I am not taking care of and that might cause my death in the future, but it's a lottery really, still the hope is there). I think it would still be natural though, I mean I wouldn't be doing anything directly. I already tried, more than once, and it was so hard to gather the energy, to defeat the survival instinct, and then to have all these judgmental voices and monsters trying to bite me all around me... I wish I don't have to go through any of that ever again.

 

[theboy]

The beautiful and terrible time

 

[MarkSmith73]

Sometimes it becomes a bit too much. Living I mean.

I haven't stopped having suicidal thoughts, oh no. In fact, I haven't stopped wishing I could just do it. But under my current circumstances, if I failed again, I would go back to hell (aka mental institutions). Wait, current life is not hell? I mean don't get me wrong, it is, but as much as it pains me to say it, being put in the prison that is a mental institution is even worse. I mean, to think that I can experience even worse things that what I am already experiencing, and that in fact that has already been happening as my body and health decade little by little, each day more, so each day the experience becomes worse... maybe better not to think about it.

So how much longer? I just want to cease existing. My health is at a terrible state and I am taking care of my body only the necessary to avoid unbearable pain, so it cannot possibly last much longer, right? ... I sure hope so.
(Wait, if I don't take care of my body now, then the unbearable pain will increase in the future? No but I'll be dead by then... right?)

Some might say it's a terrible thing to not take care of yourself, but honestly, why bother? I just want this to end, like I said, to cease existing, and maybe it's just wishful thinking but maybe this way I can shorten my years. I mean a lot of people who didn't take care of their health ceased living at relatively young ages, right? So why it cannot be me too? Is this a joke? A prank from the Universe?

Everything becomes unbearable. I know, I said to someone that they could stop responding to my messages if they wanted to because I could go on and on. But I didn't really mean it. And they stopped responding. And I felt so rejected and abandoned. How much longer of these unbearable feelings? How worse is it going to get? How worse until I finally die? How many more shed tears until water stops flowing through my body?

I know, maybe they don't mean it, but they hurt me so much. Maybe I hurt them very much too. I can't know.

Human existence is so paradoxical and meaningless. But what am I saying? Even animals existence is paradoxical and doesn't make any sense. Life itself... I just want to stop living, feeling, everything. That is all.

I get what you're saying. Pain sucks and going through a lot of it myself. A fifth of borboun a day helps me plus eating anything I want. Temazepam helps to sleep and Gabapentin for the pain. This isn't a pro-life message because it doesn't necessarily get better. If I could go back around 4 years ago knowing what I know now then yeah things could be perfect but I'm not and they aren't. Here's all I can tell you. It probably won't get any better here but eventually it will.