SoulCage
Experienced
- Dec 28, 2023
- 203
It has been a while since I last posted about why I am still alive and my current plans to make being alive somewhat bearable.
It's gonna be a long one again, mostly me just rambling about being too broken to be fixed and not being able to ctb.
My psych doc changed my meds (to Wellbutrin). For weeks I decreased the amount of my old antidepressant (Venlafaxin) and today I wanted to make the switch. I still got bad withdrawal symptoms, but I can't take the old one anymore. I am pretty sure it was the reason for my stomach problems that I had for months, because... No more issues since I stopped taking it. The withdrawal symptoms are easier to endure than the feeling of constant bloating and chest pains. So I will no longer reduce this shit even further.
Just move on from this old poison, and hope the new one will help me stabilize my mood.
I am currently extremely depressed. I believe it's a mix of multiple things, one being withdrawal symptoms, but I think the biggest reason is the upcoming rehab program that I forced myself to join so I feel less guilty about being a burden. That I can justify being supported because I am working on getting better. But I don't know how this rehab program is going to be. They demand things from me that I don't want to endure - just to stay alive a little longer. They believe training can fix me, but I trained so many times for the jobs in the past and I always ended up somewhere miserable. Why should I have hope it will suddenly be different ???
I can't imagine it. I don't want this cycle to repeat again and again. There is so much fear in me. And fighting it is so hard. Because I don't want to fight it - it's there to fucking protect me. But it's stupid, because I can't pay for my existence expenses without income.
Lately I noticed that it has become really hard to remember what kind of revelations I had while writing my thoughts or while reading other people's thoughts.
And it puts me in a state of panic, because I feel like I am forgetting something important. Like arguments that justify my fear. I feel the need to explain myself in order for them to better understand my limits. So they don't overwhelm me emotionally by saying things that trigger me.
I don't know.... This whole situation feels too complex. And If I can't understand ( and control) it then I panic.
Not sure how to fix something so deeply written into my code. It also doesn't help that there are many instances in real life situation where people advice you to be careful. How am I supposed to learn how to be more "chill" this way? This sucks so much.
I am repeating myself. Sorry. My mind is just hearing too many voices. The hope, the fear, the guilt, the suicidal ideation, the sadness of what I lost (or what I can never have). It just goes blank sometimes.
My plan is still to at least start this rehab thing next week. Because I am currently extremely scared of causing pain for my only real support (my boyfriend), meaning I can't attempt. He still tells me has hope and because of ctb-unrelated conversations I know that he doesn't like the thought of anyone no longer existing. Especially if that someone is currently satisfying his social needs on a very intimate level. And honestly, he is such a good person, he just doesn't deserve to suffer from a loss. I feel full of guilt for being someone who would be responsible for his suffering.
Doing the rehab still carries hope that being alive will become less painful and therefore he wouldn't have to suffer.
Both options (endure pain of life and ctb aftermath) are so bad. I feel stunned. I don't want to choose. I can't. Should I just drop out of recovery attempt and wait until my boyfriend has enough of me? Or keep fighting endlessly? I am so tired.
Best possible scenario would be if I would die of natural causes. This way, my death would be less tragic because it was impossible to prevent it (or just unlucky during treatment or whatever)
Which brings me to the argument... If I am impossible to fix, is suicide not just as well a natural cause? Unfortunately no.. it has such a specific narrative attached to it. How it is always seen as the bad choice for both the victim and the victim's social circle.
Maybe one day.. I will see it all differently. Find myself comfortable leaving everyone behind, because it is better this way (for everyone).
Who knows.
It's gonna be a long one again, mostly me just rambling about being too broken to be fixed and not being able to ctb.
My psych doc changed my meds (to Wellbutrin). For weeks I decreased the amount of my old antidepressant (Venlafaxin) and today I wanted to make the switch. I still got bad withdrawal symptoms, but I can't take the old one anymore. I am pretty sure it was the reason for my stomach problems that I had for months, because... No more issues since I stopped taking it. The withdrawal symptoms are easier to endure than the feeling of constant bloating and chest pains. So I will no longer reduce this shit even further.
Just move on from this old poison, and hope the new one will help me stabilize my mood.
I am currently extremely depressed. I believe it's a mix of multiple things, one being withdrawal symptoms, but I think the biggest reason is the upcoming rehab program that I forced myself to join so I feel less guilty about being a burden. That I can justify being supported because I am working on getting better. But I don't know how this rehab program is going to be. They demand things from me that I don't want to endure - just to stay alive a little longer. They believe training can fix me, but I trained so many times for the jobs in the past and I always ended up somewhere miserable. Why should I have hope it will suddenly be different ???
I can't imagine it. I don't want this cycle to repeat again and again. There is so much fear in me. And fighting it is so hard. Because I don't want to fight it - it's there to fucking protect me. But it's stupid, because I can't pay for my existence expenses without income.
Lately I noticed that it has become really hard to remember what kind of revelations I had while writing my thoughts or while reading other people's thoughts.
And it puts me in a state of panic, because I feel like I am forgetting something important. Like arguments that justify my fear. I feel the need to explain myself in order for them to better understand my limits. So they don't overwhelm me emotionally by saying things that trigger me.
I don't know.... This whole situation feels too complex. And If I can't understand ( and control) it then I panic.
Not sure how to fix something so deeply written into my code. It also doesn't help that there are many instances in real life situation where people advice you to be careful. How am I supposed to learn how to be more "chill" this way? This sucks so much.
I am repeating myself. Sorry. My mind is just hearing too many voices. The hope, the fear, the guilt, the suicidal ideation, the sadness of what I lost (or what I can never have). It just goes blank sometimes.
My plan is still to at least start this rehab thing next week. Because I am currently extremely scared of causing pain for my only real support (my boyfriend), meaning I can't attempt. He still tells me has hope and because of ctb-unrelated conversations I know that he doesn't like the thought of anyone no longer existing. Especially if that someone is currently satisfying his social needs on a very intimate level. And honestly, he is such a good person, he just doesn't deserve to suffer from a loss. I feel full of guilt for being someone who would be responsible for his suffering.
Doing the rehab still carries hope that being alive will become less painful and therefore he wouldn't have to suffer.
Both options (endure pain of life and ctb aftermath) are so bad. I feel stunned. I don't want to choose. I can't. Should I just drop out of recovery attempt and wait until my boyfriend has enough of me? Or keep fighting endlessly? I am so tired.
Best possible scenario would be if I would die of natural causes. This way, my death would be less tragic because it was impossible to prevent it (or just unlucky during treatment or whatever)
Which brings me to the argument... If I am impossible to fix, is suicide not just as well a natural cause? Unfortunately no.. it has such a specific narrative attached to it. How it is always seen as the bad choice for both the victim and the victim's social circle.
Maybe one day.. I will see it all differently. Find myself comfortable leaving everyone behind, because it is better this way (for everyone).
Who knows.
