LuzurPhagget
Experienced
- Sep 15, 2019
- 288
Like you're like everyone else and happy and enjoying life etc. Or do you not give a fuck?
I feel like I put A LOT of energy into putting up this front/facade. I think A LOT of people at work would genuinely be shocked and wouldn't have seen it coming when I end up kicking the bucket (but of course, "there were always signs!!!" Lol).
People have actually said that I'm "always so calm" and upbeat. The fools! I can barely maintain a fucking conversation, let alone eye contact. Fuck, I HATE when people ask what I did over the weekend (Durr, I dunno. Browsing SS. Finalizing my suicide plans. Took a dump).
Anyway, I'm just puzzled by why I'm like this. I would probably be A LOT less anxious if I just dropped this facade and acted like my true miserable self. But I just feel compelled to keep this shit up. Am I worried people would be getting all up in my business, trying to "help me," but as I've realized I've already gone down this path many times before and there is no hope for me and they'd just end up giving up on me like others have in the past, which in turn would make me feel even WORSE and thus avoiding possible confrontations altogether?
It would be SO nice not to give a fuck. Just wear a mean depressed mug at work all day. People would avoid me like the plague. Or ugh, maybe they'd want to "cheer me up." Dear god no! Lol
I feel like I put A LOT of energy into putting up this front/facade. I think A LOT of people at work would genuinely be shocked and wouldn't have seen it coming when I end up kicking the bucket (but of course, "there were always signs!!!" Lol).
People have actually said that I'm "always so calm" and upbeat. The fools! I can barely maintain a fucking conversation, let alone eye contact. Fuck, I HATE when people ask what I did over the weekend (Durr, I dunno. Browsing SS. Finalizing my suicide plans. Took a dump).
Anyway, I'm just puzzled by why I'm like this. I would probably be A LOT less anxious if I just dropped this facade and acted like my true miserable self. But I just feel compelled to keep this shit up. Am I worried people would be getting all up in my business, trying to "help me," but as I've realized I've already gone down this path many times before and there is no hope for me and they'd just end up giving up on me like others have in the past, which in turn would make me feel even WORSE and thus avoiding possible confrontations altogether?
It would be SO nice not to give a fuck. Just wear a mean depressed mug at work all day. People would avoid me like the plague. Or ugh, maybe they'd want to "cheer me up." Dear god no! Lol