S
Samn77
Member
- Jul 17, 2018
- 25
As you know, censorship around the world has been ramping up at an alarming pace. The UK and OFCOM has singled out this community and have been focusing its censorship efforts here. It takes a good amount of resources to maintain the infrastructure for our community and to resist this censorship. We would appreciate any and all donations.
It's definitely one of my options. I'm getting to the point of desperation and frustration at my stupid fears. I know it's what I want to do...and my fucking anxiety is screwing me up, making me feel trapped and that pisses me off. I have a brand new box of Blue Blade Double sideds...and I know it will hurt, but I think the rapid blood loss will put me into shock. I also have this gun...just shot it to test it...and my SN solution. If only I could get OVER the hump of fear. Ugh.Like, straight up I just wanna know how bad it'll be if i decide to do it
I think it's something someone would do if they were really, really desperate, like against a wall and felt they had no other way out. You'd have to sort of snap, I think. It's been done many times...but it just seems like you'd almost have to be immune to pain by that time...or the pain of continuing would pale in comparison.That's option has always sounded pretty painful to me..I always think of the pain of a paper cut ×10000000000= cutting wrists..not to mention scary since ur alert for a while n seeing so much of ur own blood....
Yes true...I think it's something someone would do if they were really, really desperate, like against a wall and felt they had no other way out. You'd have to sort of snap, I think. It's been done many times...but it just seems like you'd almost have to be immune to pain by that time...or the pain of continuing would pale in comparison.
Yes, and then your life would change in ways you would NOT want, for sure. I would NOT want that kind of attention.Yes true...
I would b afraid that I would get so freaked out n call for help..
Absolutely NOT!!Yes, and then your life would change in ways you would NOT want, for sure. I would NOT want that kind of attention.![]()
How r u feeling today, Love?Yes, and then your life would change in ways you would NOT want, for sure. I would NOT want that kind of attention.![]()
Not too bad. I posted a thread about firing the gun I have...that will give you an idea. A family member is threatening to come visit me soon and I can't have it. I cannot. They are expecting me to go on a road trip, and they have ZERO IDEA that this cannot ever happen. Therefore, I will CTB before this happens. I can't face it.Absolutely NOT!!
How r u feeling today, Love?
I so appreciate the love you show. I look forward to seeing your comments.Absolutely NOT!!
How r u feeling today, Love?
Awww thx ..No way! Y don't u just tell them that u don't wanna go! I have made a resolution this yr that I WILL NOT do anything that I song wanna do, just to make someone else "feel better"..Enough of that!!..Sorry for the rant..lol..so can u tell them no??Not too bad. I posted a thread about firing the gun I have...that will give you an idea. A family member is threatening to come visit me soon and I can't have it. I cannot. They are expecting me to go on a road trip, and they have ZERO IDEA that this cannot ever happen. Therefore, I will CTB before this happens. I can't face it.
I so appreciate the love you show. I look forward to seeing your comments.![]()
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*don'tAwww thx ..No way! Y don't u just tell them that u don't wanna go! I have made a resolution this yr that I WILL NOT do anything that I song wanna do, just to make someone else "feel better"..Enough of that!!..Sorry for the rant..lol..so can u tell them no??
I really can't. I'm just not that person. I'm too scared of arguing and confrontation, and they would practically demand explanation...and make me defend it, make me admit that it's unreasonable, etc. My whole life I've been manipulated this way. It's just too hard. I run from it. I'm a big wuss I wish I could.Awww thx ..No way! Y don't u just tell them that u don't wanna go! I have made a resolution this yr that I WILL NOT do anything that I song wanna do, just to make someone else "feel better"..Enough of that!!..Sorry for the rant..lol..so can u tell them no??
*don't
U have to start speaking up for yourself at some point, so Y not now when ur at the end of ur rope, so to speak..liberate yourself Love..OK let me show u how..lol.."Im not feeling up to it, so no. I'm not going"..
End of story.
Yes. If only it was as easy as saying it. :-)OK let me show u how..lol.."Im not feeling up to it, so no. I'm not going"..
End of story.
U have to start speaking up for yourself at some point, so Y not now when ur at the end of ur rope, so to speak..liberate yourself Love..
Can u text it?? Or is there someone that can tell this person for u?Yes. If only it was as easy as saying it. :-)
Wish I knew u. I would DEF tell them!!..lolCan u text it?? Or is there someone that can tell this person for u?
I HATE to b manipulated!Can u text it?? Or is there someone that can tell this person for u?
Wish I knew u. I would DEF tell them!!..lol
Oh, I could give you a run-down of how this almost always plays out...and why I try so hard to just be invisible and stay silent until the last minute. Confrontation scares the shit out of me. It's my own fault (I mean...by not changing), but the reason I am this way is because of how I was manipulated and abused years ago. It's a psychological thing...I run instead of dealing with things.Can u text it?? Or is there someone that can tell this person for u?
Wish I knew u. I would DEF tell them!!..lol
I HATE to b manipulated!
Yes. If only it was as easy as saying it. :-)
I hate what they're putting u thruOh, I could give you a run-down of how this almost always plays out...and why I try so hard to just be invisible and stay silent until the last minute. Confrontation scares the shit out of me. It's my own fault (I mean...by not changing), but the reason I am this way is because of how I was manipulated and abused years ago. It's a psychological thing...I run instead of dealing with things.
This is one of the reasons why this has to end. I am not willing to change, and I am also not willing to discuss with any of those people why or what's going on. It will just sound like mental illness, no matter what is said...and perhaps it even is, if you go by the DSM guides and all of that. But I'm not willing to do what it takes to change. It's too hard. I've tried before, and mostly what I've gotten is just better at hiding it, better at enduring the pain of doing things I don't want to do....and it's exhausting, emotionally and psychologically....and physically.
They just don't understand that I'm okay being the way I am. I've lived long enough and have done enough. I don't want to do anymore. I don't want to start over, turn over a new leaf, open a new chapter, open a new window or any other euphemism. Life just isn't for everybody. And my son keeps saying this is what I need: to get "out there" and "do more" and "get out of my comfort zone". No, no, no, no. What I want is just to be left alone.
Thank you, sweetheart. I hope it's okay if I say that. Interestingly, I perfectly understand why they do this...our culture is geared this way. We automatically view this kind of personal dysfunction as "broken" and "damaged" and in need of being fixed. I have a masters degree in education, so I can even spout this bullshit myself haha. But what people often don't realize is that having the knowledge of something is nowhere near having a way to make it better or solve it. I understand that I have serious deficiencies in my ability to connect with real life people. I know why I have an almost total lack of trust or interest in getting close to others. I know why...but that doesn't make it go away. Knowledge is sometimes power, but not always.I hate what they're putting u thru
Thank you, sweetheart. I hope it's okay if I say that. Interestingly, I perfectly understand why they do this...our culture is geared this way. We automatically view this kind of personal dysfunction as "broken" and "damaged" and in need of being fixed. I have a masters degree in education, so I can even spout this bullshit myself haha. But what people often don't realize is that having the knowledge of something is nowhere near having a way to make it better or solve it. I understand that I have serious deficiencies in my ability to connect with real life people. I know why I have an almost total lack of trust or interest in getting close to others. I know why...but that doesn't make it go away. Knowledge is sometimes power, but not always.I hate what they're putting u thru
Imo, wrist slitting hurts the least. Dying is what is painful.
When I was running out of blood, it meant my body no longer had a way to carry oxygen throughout my body. I developed lactic acidosis, which is when lactic acid builds up when there's not enough oxygen in the muscles.
Everything was painful, my entire body hurt all over. I tried sitting up, laying down, leaning, no matter what my entire body hurt all over, and I was so weak from blood loss I just felt sickly and ill. I was nauseous from rapid blood loss, I was too weak to lean over the toilet, so I was fighting the urge to vomit all over myself.
On top of everything, lack of blood = lack of oxygen = unable to breathe properly. I was literally panting for air. I could not get a full breath.
Combine the full body pain + unable to breathe, I panicked and self rescued.
By the time the police broke down the door, I could not move, I could not speak. All of my energy was focused on getting a breath, all of my attention was focused on how much I hurt. I just wanted the pain to stop.
I would only consider this method again because I didn't know how close to death I was. At the time, I thought I would be in extreme pain for hours. In reality, 30min more probably would have killed me. So yeah, it is VERY painful. But now I know how long I need to endure the pain, vs imagining endless suffering.
Of course u can call me Sweetheart!Thank you, sweetheart. I hope it's okay if I say that. Interestingly, I perfectly understand why they do this...our culture is geared this way. We automatically view this kind of personal dysfunction as "broken" and "damaged" and in need of being fixed. I have a masters degree in education, so I can even spout this bullshit myself haha. But what people often don't realize is that having the knowledge of something is nowhere near having a way to make it better or solve it. I understand that I have serious deficiencies in my ability to connect with real life people. I know why I have an almost total lack of trust or interest in getting close to others. I know why...but that doesn't make it go away. Knowledge is sometimes power, but not always.
Knowing that I'm on fire doesn't make the flames burn any cooler.
I tried years ago to get to the fixing place for me. People close to me saw that I needed help and some even tried. The problem always has been that sometimes things are too broken to fix them. You just have to accept them the way they are, keep them running long enough not to simply explode and hurt someone else....and wait for them to wind down. I am gladly at the winding down phase. The world will go on perfectly fine without me, just as it did for the billions of years before I was born. I'm not even sad about it. Not really. I probably would be if there were more things I wanted to accomplish. There just isn't. And sitting around waiting to die is getting very tiresome.
What does make me sad is knowing that living is just not for everybody, and for those people, there is little understanding. Why do some people get born just to live lives filled with curse after curse after curse? No reason. It just is. Some people take those curses and turn them into opportunities, and for much of my life that is what I did. I became a teacher, I've touched many lives, and I feel wonderful about the job I did. I could still do it for many more years if I had the desire. But too much has gone wrong in the past 3 years to come back. It will be a relief to just...wink out.
Just...not today. ❤ Thanks for listening. You're a gem.
Thank you, sweetheart. I hope it's okay if I say that. Interestingly, I perfectly understand why they do this...our culture is geared this way. We automatically view this kind of personal dysfunction as "broken" and "damaged" and in need of being fixed. I have a masters degree in education, so I can even spout this bullshit myself haha. But what people often don't realize is that having the knowledge of something is nowhere near having a way to make it better or solve it. I understand that I have serious deficiencies in my ability to connect with real life people. I know why I have an almost total lack of trust or interest in getting close to others. I know why...but that doesn't make it go away. Knowledge is sometimes power, but not always.
Knowing that I'm on fire doesn't make the flames burn any cooler.
I tried years ago to get to the fixing place for me. People close to me saw that I needed help and some even tried. The problem always has been that sometimes things are too broken to fix them. You just have to accept them the way they are, keep them running long enough not to simply explode and hurt someone else....and wait for them to wind down. I am gladly at the winding down phase. The world will go on perfectly fine without me, just as it did for the billions of years before I was born. I'm not even sad about it. Not really. I probably would be if there were more things I wanted to accomplish. There just isn't. And sitting around waiting to die is getting very tiresome.
What does make me sad is knowing that living is just not for everybody, and for those people, there is little understanding. Why do some people get born just to live lives filled with curse after curse after curse? No reason. It just is. Some people take those curses and turn them into opportunities, and for much of my life that is what I did. I became a teacher, I've touched many lives, and I feel wonderful about the job I did. I could still do it for many more years if I had the desire. But too much has gone wrong in the past 3 years to come back. It will be a relief to just...wink out.
Just...not today. ❤ Thanks for listening. You're a gem.
Wow. Thank you for this very honest and detailed explanation and experience. Now I know that this method would be effective, but would also not be peaceful or pleasant. I still think I would do it, if I were desperate enough...but I wouldn't have guessed about the discomfort of body pains and oxygen deprivation.
That sounds so horrible n so sorry u experienced that! Ty cuz I never would have imagined that that is what the person goes thru in the last few min with that method..just wow.Imo, wrist slitting hurts the least. Dying is what is painful.
When I was running out of blood, it meant my body no longer had a way to carry oxygen throughout my body. I developed lactic acidosis, which is when lactic acid builds up when there's not enough oxygen in the muscles.
Everything was painful, my entire body hurt all over. I tried sitting up, laying down, leaning, no matter what my entire body hurt all over, and I was so weak from blood loss I just felt sickly and ill. I was nauseous from rapid blood loss, I was too weak to lean over the toilet, so I was fighting the urge to vomit all over myself.
On top of everything, lack of blood = lack of oxygen = unable to breathe properly. I was literally panting for air. I could not get a full breath.
Combine the full body pain + unable to breathe, I panicked and self rescued.
By the time the police broke down the door, I could not move, I could not speak. All of my energy was focused on getting a breath, all of my attention was focused on how much I hurt. I just wanted the pain to stop.
I would only consider this method again because I didn't know how close to death I was. At the time, I thought I would be in extreme pain for hours. In reality, 30min more probably would have killed me. So yeah, it is VERY painful. But now I know how long I need to endure the pain, vs imagining endless suffering.
Of course u can call me Sweetheart!..Yes I understand that after yrs of trauma n disappointment, u just become used to n sadly accept it..yup, I get it..But then, sometimes, as in my case maybe lately, something in me just knows that there is better n I kinda wanna see it..it just WON'T come ez n I have to fight like hell to remain alive to get it.Unfortunately..not sure how long this will last cuz I have Def hit rock bottom in the past few months to depths I have never seen myself in all my life..so it's a constant battle for me..I sometimes feel like I'm gonna miss something good if I tap out now..lol
Oh, dear. I'm so sorry to hear of that tremendous loss. Yes, I can see why you care about hurting your parents further. If my mother were alive, I'd not be considering this at all.Love it!..Sometimes it's just the simple things in life! I love to read just don't get much time to do so cuz too much reading for school..I will b reading a book a just got yest tho written by the young couple who we bought our house from.her 20 y.o.daughter battled depression all her life n in 2015 she hung herself..so her book is about the devastation in that loss.makes me think of my mom n how she would handle if I were to ctb..I have already lost 2 siblings both when they were 26.one to car accident n other to murder..she would lose her mind cuz I'm the baby..