I am feeling bad. I have paranoid thoughts about a college crush since months. I just cannot escape this thought loop I am pretty desperate. I will talk with my psychiatrist about my fourth psychotherapy. My insurance probably won't pay sadly. I am unable to keep my act together alone. It is extremely difficult to steer the ship if your nervous system is as fucked as mine. College triggers the shit out of me.
The last time I went to a day clinic the boss of the clinic told me I felt too good for being there. She barely knew me and only judged by my sleeping rhythm. I am just a very ill person with barely life quality. When I opened up to other patients they were shocked about my mental torment and people told me you remind me of my time at rock bottom. I successfully negotiated to stay some weeks but I feel like they don't want me to be there. I think it is a lot about money however I am very privileged with the German health care system I know that. I won't talk with that boss I mean someone else.
There was a clinic for people with psychosis. If I have to return to that clinic this means I had another psychosis which equivalent with me having to commit suicide. The extreme psychosomatic pain will return. I will try to kill me before they force me to go there. But I am already planning my final speech to blame the society, politicians and the psychiatry for me having to do this. Actually it is way easier in this forum to formulate my thoughts. And if I am again at rock bottom I won't have the stamina and energy to pull such a speech off. I will cry way too much. But I will tell them some straight facts. I once met the highest higher up of the psychiatry in a certain region. She climbed the career ladder up. I can remember her puzzled face when I made jokes about my pain and kiling myself when actually you would expect people to cry their eyes out.
She once gave me a fake empathy gaze. Like she gave a fuck. She barely knows me. It was about the abuse that I had to endure. It felt like she acted to feel morally superior and not that she actually cared about me. I am a random case a number and nothing else for her. I will later go on here.
First my relation to the psychiatry. The psychiatry helped me a lot. The clinic stays helped me to cope, it was a very good decision to take the medication there. My life would probably be worse without them. However there are different stories than mine. And I can understand that the psychiatry is very controversial. Personally I felt like their approach to suicidal people is horrenous in so so many different ways. I think the closed ward is horrendous. The staff was oberburdened and it is a shame for the society that acute suicidal people have to spend their time there. Give them yummy food, give them a house to live in, give them money, give them real opportunities instead you are punishing them for expressing their thoughts and feelings. This is so cynical.
The atmosphere in the psychiatry was slightly hostile when I expressed severe persisting suicidal thoughts. As if it was my fault.
Also I think they treated drug addicted people not with enough respect. I am glad they did not treat me like that.
Two therapists gave me up after I was fired they think I gonna ctb due to poverty and a fucked up life quality. I think this is the truth.
And one of the two therapists works at the clinic where I met the boss of the bosses at the psychiatry. I will take that as ammunition for my speech. It probably won't be actually a speech maybe some provokative and revolutionary remarks from someone who has lost everything and who has to face death.
I am not sure whether this meeting will really take place. I will try to kill myself beforehand but it is not unlikely my family could intervene (at first).
They will ask me how I have survived so far. As the therapists lost hope in me. Well I will tell them that my friends help me but they are often overburdened with my need to express my suffering. I will tell themthat I am a main contributor in a suicide forum and that I have more than 3500 posts. (I won't say the name)
I will tell them the truth that this forum actually comforts me a lot. I have told 3 therapists of my participation at suicide forums. The one who experienced me while acute suicidality told me I should stop visiting it. However I think he was aware that my suicidality was that intensive and omnipresent that being in a suicide forum would not make a real difference. Lol. My last psychotherapist was okay with me being in a suicide forum. He told me I am there to cope with my pain and that this is my main reason. He was quite young and I might was not always fully transparent. Lol. However I am pretty sure my life quality would be without this forum so fucking much worse. I can remember the time before I found this forum. I was so alienated by my horrible therapist to that time. who did not understand me at all. She had no fucking clue about me. I think the reponse of the clinic staff will be critical as the response of my psychiatrist. That suicide forum would people drive over the edge. I could imagine the staff could call me an evil person for participating here. I could imagine questions like. Are there mentally ill people allowed? (Okay this would be a stupid obvious question), Are there also information about methods? In that clinic they always tried to find something evil in a person. So that the person deserved the pain they are in. aybe they call me evil for participating.
So here comes again this thread and my cheeky remarks into play. I could imagine the following: I could start a meta discussion and tell them that I actually posted about the staff members in an anonymous way in this forum. Which is true. That I described their idiosyncracies. And that many here in this forum blame the psychiatry for their fucked up lives. I have several stories in mind where people described that the psychiatry is responsible for their destroyed life. (due to several different circumstances). I also can remember that members actually committed suicide because of the psychiatry (and their behavior). One story keeps my mind busy I won't say what I have exactly in mind it does not feel good to use a case of a single member for such a post.
So if I start a meta-discussion I wanted to ask you what shall I say to the boss of the bosses of the psychiatry when she potentially blames suicide forums for their evil actions? I think i won't have the energy and emotional stability if I relapse to give a full speech but the argumens would be similar to posts of mine in the past. That the psychiatry is cynical to leave people alone who are chronically suicidal like me over a decade. That it is cowardly to look away when people reach their limits and you don't give them an exit with dignitiy. That not a few people in the psychiatry have the opinion no matter what happens not in the most extreme nightmare situations one can envision never ever should mentally ill people be able to receive assisted suicide. Then I wil say that the extremely unreasonable system and its rules is responsible that suicide forums exist in the first place.
The last time I went to a day clinic the boss of the clinic told me I felt too good for being there. She barely knew me and only judged by my sleeping rhythm. I am just a very ill person with barely life quality. When I opened up to other patients they were shocked about my mental torment and people told me you remind me of my time at rock bottom. I successfully negotiated to stay some weeks but I feel like they don't want me to be there. I think it is a lot about money however I am very privileged with the German health care system I know that. I won't talk with that boss I mean someone else.
There was a clinic for people with psychosis. If I have to return to that clinic this means I had another psychosis which equivalent with me having to commit suicide. The extreme psychosomatic pain will return. I will try to kill me before they force me to go there. But I am already planning my final speech to blame the society, politicians and the psychiatry for me having to do this. Actually it is way easier in this forum to formulate my thoughts. And if I am again at rock bottom I won't have the stamina and energy to pull such a speech off. I will cry way too much. But I will tell them some straight facts. I once met the highest higher up of the psychiatry in a certain region. She climbed the career ladder up. I can remember her puzzled face when I made jokes about my pain and kiling myself when actually you would expect people to cry their eyes out.
She once gave me a fake empathy gaze. Like she gave a fuck. She barely knows me. It was about the abuse that I had to endure. It felt like she acted to feel morally superior and not that she actually cared about me. I am a random case a number and nothing else for her. I will later go on here.
First my relation to the psychiatry. The psychiatry helped me a lot. The clinic stays helped me to cope, it was a very good decision to take the medication there. My life would probably be worse without them. However there are different stories than mine. And I can understand that the psychiatry is very controversial. Personally I felt like their approach to suicidal people is horrenous in so so many different ways. I think the closed ward is horrendous. The staff was oberburdened and it is a shame for the society that acute suicidal people have to spend their time there. Give them yummy food, give them a house to live in, give them money, give them real opportunities instead you are punishing them for expressing their thoughts and feelings. This is so cynical.
The atmosphere in the psychiatry was slightly hostile when I expressed severe persisting suicidal thoughts. As if it was my fault.
Also I think they treated drug addicted people not with enough respect. I am glad they did not treat me like that.
Two therapists gave me up after I was fired they think I gonna ctb due to poverty and a fucked up life quality. I think this is the truth.
And one of the two therapists works at the clinic where I met the boss of the bosses at the psychiatry. I will take that as ammunition for my speech. It probably won't be actually a speech maybe some provokative and revolutionary remarks from someone who has lost everything and who has to face death.
I am not sure whether this meeting will really take place. I will try to kill myself beforehand but it is not unlikely my family could intervene (at first).
They will ask me how I have survived so far. As the therapists lost hope in me. Well I will tell them that my friends help me but they are often overburdened with my need to express my suffering. I will tell themthat I am a main contributor in a suicide forum and that I have more than 3500 posts. (I won't say the name)
I will tell them the truth that this forum actually comforts me a lot. I have told 3 therapists of my participation at suicide forums. The one who experienced me while acute suicidality told me I should stop visiting it. However I think he was aware that my suicidality was that intensive and omnipresent that being in a suicide forum would not make a real difference. Lol. My last psychotherapist was okay with me being in a suicide forum. He told me I am there to cope with my pain and that this is my main reason. He was quite young and I might was not always fully transparent. Lol. However I am pretty sure my life quality would be without this forum so fucking much worse. I can remember the time before I found this forum. I was so alienated by my horrible therapist to that time. who did not understand me at all. She had no fucking clue about me. I think the reponse of the clinic staff will be critical as the response of my psychiatrist. That suicide forum would people drive over the edge. I could imagine the staff could call me an evil person for participating here. I could imagine questions like. Are there mentally ill people allowed? (Okay this would be a stupid obvious question), Are there also information about methods? In that clinic they always tried to find something evil in a person. So that the person deserved the pain they are in. aybe they call me evil for participating.
So here comes again this thread and my cheeky remarks into play. I could imagine the following: I could start a meta discussion and tell them that I actually posted about the staff members in an anonymous way in this forum. Which is true. That I described their idiosyncracies. And that many here in this forum blame the psychiatry for their fucked up lives. I have several stories in mind where people described that the psychiatry is responsible for their destroyed life. (due to several different circumstances). I also can remember that members actually committed suicide because of the psychiatry (and their behavior). One story keeps my mind busy I won't say what I have exactly in mind it does not feel good to use a case of a single member for such a post.
So if I start a meta-discussion I wanted to ask you what shall I say to the boss of the bosses of the psychiatry when she potentially blames suicide forums for their evil actions? I think i won't have the energy and emotional stability if I relapse to give a full speech but the argumens would be similar to posts of mine in the past. That the psychiatry is cynical to leave people alone who are chronically suicidal like me over a decade. That it is cowardly to look away when people reach their limits and you don't give them an exit with dignitiy. That not a few people in the psychiatry have the opinion no matter what happens not in the most extreme nightmare situations one can envision never ever should mentally ill people be able to receive assisted suicide. Then I wil say that the extremely unreasonable system and its rules is responsible that suicide forums exist in the first place.
