How many of you are bipolar?

[body_snatcher]

The rates for people with bipolar are insane. As someone diagnosed with Bipolar 1 however, I am not surprised. My life is a living nightmare and this is a lifelong, incurable condition. It also actively degenerates your brain over time, and I can feel it. I was so much more intelligent and bright when I was younger, at this point in my life I'm barely able to do anything besides work and rot.

I live in filth. I can barely take care of myself. I have thought about CTBing every single day for god knows how long and I harm myself to deal with the torment and screaming thoughts and confusion.

Our medication options are dismal. I'm allergic to lamictal, which leaves me lithium and a myriad of antipsychotics. The last one they put me on, vraylar, made me feel even worse than I am normally. I felt brain dead, deathly high anxiety, extreme restlessness, dizziness, seeing spots in my vision, you name it! All normal side effects for this type of medication.

My bipolar friend told me it took him twenty years to find the right medication. I don't think I can do it. I'm being completely honest. I understand why bipolar people ctb. It's living torture and most people have no concept of understanding. Bipolar depression is far deeper, far darker, much more demented. I'm in hell.

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

Bipolar II with mixed episodes and rapid cycling.

Unfortunately I do relate to your experiences a lot. It's a terrible thing to live with.

 

[drennedrat]

Bipolar 1 with psychosis. Shits awful. My last manic episode derailed my life so hard and embarassed myself in front of everybody I know. My brain is definitely shredded at this point. I used to get A's with no problem and I had endless creativity and jokes. Now I'm a shell of a human that can't do any school and I just stare blankly half the time. No wonder so many people ctb with this disease. I personally want to before it gets any worse.

 

[nightlygem]

I've been tested for bipolar disorder, however, psychiatrists are very hard to find where I live so I have not been treated. It's been tough these past years having to deal with it manifesting over time.

 

[NoThoughtTooMany]

I have bipolar 2 disorder. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I used to have hope until I was diagnosed. Pains me that people have to go through this... I agree it's hell.

 

[dumbgirlonline]

The rates for people with bipolar are insane. As someone diagnosed with Bipolar 1 however, I am not surprised. My life is a living nightmare and this is a lifelong, incurable condition. It also actively degenerates your brain over time, and I can feel it. I was so much more intelligent and bright when I was younger, at this point in my life I'm barely able to do anything besides work and rot.

I live in filth. I can barely take care of myself. I have thought about CTBing every single day for god knows how long and I harm myself to deal with the torment and screaming thoughts and confusion.

Our medication options are dismal. I'm allergic to lamictal, which leaves me lithium and a myriad of antipsychotics. The last one they put me on, vraylar, made me feel even worse than I am normally. I felt brain dead, deathly high anxiety, extreme restlessness, dizziness, seeing spots in my vision, you name it! All normal side effects for this type of medication.

My bipolar friend told me it took him twenty years to find the right medication. I don't think I can do it. I'm being completely honest. I understand why bipolar people ctb. It's living torture and most people have no concept of understanding. Bipolar depression is far deeper, far darker, much more demented. I'm in hell.

Did being diagnosed answer questions for you or just make you feel worse?. Did it also affect your job status/ ability to get a job? I want to go to a psychiatrist.. my therapists suspect I have BPD and PTSD. However I'm scared to get diagnosed since it might affect my employment status. It's also just… scary.

 

[Cloud Busting]

I had doctors insist I was bipolar II despite being adamant I was not. It would be a battle to not get put on anti psychotic and mood stabilizing drugs and convince them I was not hypomanic while taking antidepressants.

I found out I have bpd recently, which I have self-diagnosed myself with for years. I do have recurrent unipolar major depression as well, which I never argued. So just as I thought, I was on horrible drugs that made me an overweight, lethargic, brain dead zombie for no good reason. I couldn't imagine that being my only option for medication. I wish they would do more research cuz we don't even know why those drugs work in the first place and the side affects are nasty.

My mother on the other hand is bipolar 1 and I feel for her. She refuses to accept she's bipolar which makes it all the more challenging.

While I can't completely relate as I'm not bipolar, mental illness sucks. I hope I recover because I don't wanna die but I can't fucking live like this.

 

[UsagiDrop]

I got diagnosed with bipolar II. I always like to read other people's experiences with bipolar, whether on this forum or in other places. It is, honestly, abysmal, and I'm sorry for anyone that has it. I'm in depression the vast majority of the time and it really is dark and twisted, I hate it. The worst aspect is the medication, to me— I don't want to live if I have to spend half of my life waiting for medicine to help me a little bit, I don't know.

It also actively degenerates your brain over time, and I can feel it. I was so much more intelligent and bright when I was younger, at this point in my life I'm barely able to do anything besides work and rot.

Yes! Nobody talks about this enough, I literally feel my brain rotting. Every year, things that were once simple for me to do becomes more and more of a struggle. I don't retain information like I used to, I can't concentrate on much at all, and it is really painful to feel it all happen in real time. It's like seeing yourself literally degrading and devaluing before your eyes. I'm kind of afraid that one day, I won't be able to do anything at all.

 

[dazed_dreamer]

I've had a deep dread for years that I'll develop it. I'll probably be scared unless the coast seems clear after my 20s, if I'm still around (since it usually develops in the late 20s for women). There's a family history, and the foundations of neuroticism are definitely there. I also worry I have hypomanic symptoms, but realistically that's a stretch. I guess it's a bit unfounded to be too concerned at this point, but for some reason I've had a gut feeling since I was pretty young that I'd develop it. Or maybe it stems from seeing my family member with it be deeply stigmatized ever since I was little, and the rest of my family constantly talk negatively about her mental illness, while feeling horrible for her and for myself knowing they'd feel the same about me if they knew how neurotic I really was.
I have huge sympathy and love for you all though. I know objectively (not from personal experience) that it's a living hell to deal with in itself, and it's topped of with horrid stigma. Kudos to all of you for still being here; you are much stronger than I am.

 

[tinyghost]

I have schizoaffective bipolar type. ive been hospitalized twice for manic episodes this year. ive been cycling meds for months and months, cant hold a job or make friends. ppl don't understand the struggle of just having to live with yourself

 

[BodaFly]

Stability hasn't been my strong suit lately, due to various issues I've been in and out of my psychiatrist's clinic with several month gaps so I don't know if it's schizoaffective or bipolar with psychosis. Most recently I think they said the latter. Whatever it is, it's complete hell. The meds didn't help one bit and some made me feel like abject shit.
I made such a colossal ass of myself during a severe psychotic episode that I still can't piece myself back together nearly 2 years later. School is a complete no-go, my anxiety is through the roof and I cannot for the life of me sit through a single class anymore. The last semester I attended at uni I barely managed to scrape together a D for the easier classes and withdrew from the rest. If my younger self knew this is how it turns out then she would've ctb'd a long time ago.
No one else in my family has it this bad, and it's just one problem out of many that I seem to have won the lottery on. Lucky me.
I wish I had terminal cancer instead, then I might've seen a shred of compassion from others.

 

[MaybeYesMaybeNo]

Bipolar 1 with psychosis. Shits awful. My last manic episode derailed my life so hard and embarassed myself in front of everybody I know. My brain is definitely shredded at this point. I used to get A's with no problem and I had endless creativity and jokes. Now I'm a shell of a human that can't do any school and I just stare blankly half the time. No wonder so many people ctb with this disease. I personally want to before it gets any worse.

I wonder if I'm going through this kind of thing currently. Definitely a shit show for me these days. Got disengaged over it... like why be with me so long.

 

[body_snatcher]

Did being diagnosed answer questions for you or just make you feel worse?. Did it also affect your job status/ ability to get a job? I want to go to a psychiatrist.. my therapists suspect I have BPD and PTSD. However I'm scared to get diagnosed since it might affect my employment status. It's also just… scary.

I think it actually helped and hurt at the same time. It did answer questions, I always had a hunch something was going on but I couldn't put my finger on what it was. At least I know now. But knowing it's lifelong and incurable has definitely put a weight on me. Having the diagnosis hasn't affected my ability to get a job, they can't check up on mental health history like that unless you choose to disclose yours to them. At least here in the US. I understand the fear, you should do whatever works better for you.