Has anyone got any stories about giving up and seeing just how much lower than rock bottom you can go before any available guaranteed method will be your end game?
I'm talking about extreme self sabotage. Just doing nothing all day, deliberately avoiding personal care, avoiding contact with others, purposely burning bridges... waking up and going to the ruminative mindset of helplessness and thinking of things that make you feel worse? My mind will be blank and I'll wonder why I'm not anxious, so I'll look at my bank accounts, paying for subscriptions to things I don't use but don't cancel them. I'll think of the house I'm about to lose and relive the bad choices (and bad luck) that got me here.
I'll stay in my clothes and jacket, awake on a couch believing with certainty "my life is OVER, I have to kill myself, but I'm gonna fail again, this is it! ... I need to die at all and any cost..."
I'm back living with my dad and step mother for an unspecified duratiin. This is week 2. They call me up from the basement and give me the chance to talk, but too many things have gone so wrong. "How was your sleep son?" (after being awake since 1am reading SS or rereading the PPeH, knowing I can't get anything mailed to me)... "not bad thanks, how was yours?" I reply.
"Well that's great!... Want to do x, y, z (eg. shovel snow, do the dishes, help us with ...) ?"
My dad is blind and hard of hearing and doesn't notice nonverbal cues (me holding my head, or looking down wringing my hands).
OK, lame examples. But I'll shovel and clean the dishes (and get reminded by my stepmother that I'm not recycling properly.... Fuck!) and get pissed off trying to fix their tech issue while my dad plays guitar and step mother sits passing time will solitaire (with those stupid ads) and I get "rewarded" with a meal that I would never touch (microwaved fish or something and a glass of water)... I'm trying to get dehydrated so when it's cold enough, a 40 of vodka will put me to sleep outside. I don't want to be rude on the one hand, but the disgusting fish is on the table and I'll eat with them... Misophonia making my skin CRAWL as my dad chews and gulps his milk.
I go back downstairs. Put my phone on mute. Concerned family text, saying "you got this!" or "I so believe in you, you've proved it before..." or "I'm here if you need to talk." An old friend tried calling a few times yesterday too and I ignored him. I haven't had a call or message from a non family member for months.
I sit hunched over in the dark basement, sweating after shoveling, then shivering. I tell myself there's no point in showering or brushing my teeth today. I'm a perfectionist, so it's all or none.
The end game in doing nothing is failure. I know that. I had done virtually nothing for 3 months before shoveling yesterday. Didn't shave for 6 weeks, stayed in bed for days in a row, ate whatever I was given, and stopped taking my meds (but for some reason kept buying them an I have no coverage). I know I'm self sabotaging. Anyone else here do it?
I'm talking about extreme self sabotage. Just doing nothing all day, deliberately avoiding personal care, avoiding contact with others, purposely burning bridges... waking up and going to the ruminative mindset of helplessness and thinking of things that make you feel worse? My mind will be blank and I'll wonder why I'm not anxious, so I'll look at my bank accounts, paying for subscriptions to things I don't use but don't cancel them. I'll think of the house I'm about to lose and relive the bad choices (and bad luck) that got me here.
I'll stay in my clothes and jacket, awake on a couch believing with certainty "my life is OVER, I have to kill myself, but I'm gonna fail again, this is it! ... I need to die at all and any cost..."
I'm back living with my dad and step mother for an unspecified duratiin. This is week 2. They call me up from the basement and give me the chance to talk, but too many things have gone so wrong. "How was your sleep son?" (after being awake since 1am reading SS or rereading the PPeH, knowing I can't get anything mailed to me)... "not bad thanks, how was yours?" I reply.
"Well that's great!... Want to do x, y, z (eg. shovel snow, do the dishes, help us with ...) ?"
My dad is blind and hard of hearing and doesn't notice nonverbal cues (me holding my head, or looking down wringing my hands).
OK, lame examples. But I'll shovel and clean the dishes (and get reminded by my stepmother that I'm not recycling properly.... Fuck!) and get pissed off trying to fix their tech issue while my dad plays guitar and step mother sits passing time will solitaire (with those stupid ads) and I get "rewarded" with a meal that I would never touch (microwaved fish or something and a glass of water)... I'm trying to get dehydrated so when it's cold enough, a 40 of vodka will put me to sleep outside. I don't want to be rude on the one hand, but the disgusting fish is on the table and I'll eat with them... Misophonia making my skin CRAWL as my dad chews and gulps his milk.
I go back downstairs. Put my phone on mute. Concerned family text, saying "you got this!" or "I so believe in you, you've proved it before..." or "I'm here if you need to talk." An old friend tried calling a few times yesterday too and I ignored him. I haven't had a call or message from a non family member for months.
I sit hunched over in the dark basement, sweating after shoveling, then shivering. I tell myself there's no point in showering or brushing my teeth today. I'm a perfectionist, so it's all or none.
The end game in doing nothing is failure. I know that. I had done virtually nothing for 3 months before shoveling yesterday. Didn't shave for 6 weeks, stayed in bed for days in a row, ate whatever I was given, and stopped taking my meds (but for some reason kept buying them an I have no coverage). I know I'm self sabotaging. Anyone else here do it?
