Personally, I've always said I was not going to live long. I've struggled with depression all my life. Now that I'm older, and see everything about myself that is so clear. Fundamentally, I realized that I have no self-confidence. And this just permeates every aspect of my life. No I dont want to spend years in therapy trying to resolve the self esteem issue. It's just too deeply ingrained into my psyche. I dont care to be married, never wanted children(only 4 legged ones) always felt like I don't "fit in" anywhere. I never focused on any one career, I bounced around too much. I leaned more towards the artistic side but wasn't able to do anything & make a great living at. No intimate relationships in over 6 years. Im down to 2 friends. The only close family I have is my mom & my brother. My mom knows I haven't been happy for a long time now (11 plus years)but she just hopes I'll get it together somehow or "meet someone "who will magically make me want to abandon myself and start a new life. Sadly, this is not going to happen. I have always been "too independent " and very non-commital to everyone & everything, for no reason. It seems to me that everyone I see is "living" life. And that's great, that's what we should strive for. They have a family, or a big social life, or a rewarding career. Except me. Ive been the walking dead for a good 6 years now. The only joy I had in life, that I loved more than life itself, was my cat, and he passed 5 months ago. He was the reason I got out of bed everyday. I loved him more than anything in this world. Everyone asks if I will adopt any animals again & I say no(because Im not going to be around). And it sucks getting old, seeing your body deteriorate, eyesight get worse. No thank you.
