demuic
Life was a mistake
- Sep 12, 2020
- 1,383
I'm facing this situation right now. It just happened in September, not suicide, very sudden. It's become more clear than ever that my situation will never improve and things will only get worse in umimaginable ways the longer I wait around to CTB. I know what grief is like, but it doesn't change the fact that living is unbearable for me. It just makes thing harder since I don't think my mother will be able to emotionally survive two losses in a row. On top of the fact she's dependent on me to help manage finances, housing, etc, right now since we don't have any other family, when I don't even want to be here. There's no way of avoiding the inevitable devastation, but I want to lessen the impact as much as possible. At the same time, even just one more year alive feels unbearable. I had been planning to go sometime in the summer next year. I wonder if that will be long enough. No matter what choices I make in life I end up screwed, so I can't bring myself to do the same to anyone else. It would be easier if I didn't care at all about anyone and just killed myself in the first place as soon as I got SN, I wouldn't be in this situation right now. It feels like cruel humor from the universe and the mental anguish from wavering between the knowledge of what I must do and the effects it will bring to others is exhausting.