Since the year 2000/2001. I go on and off with planning, this time I've been sort of dipping my toes in planning it for the past 2 years, before 5 years ago I was non-stop always planning, always thinking about, I had thought of all different kinds of methods, helium one time and that's when I discovered exit international. I got SN like several months ago, it's been sitting in my room...I'm not sure if it's any good though it came from those art marketplaces from a shady seller and I don't have any antiemetics. I have a ton of methadone but same thing no antiemetics. I never finished anything or set any goals for myself because I knew from a young age that I wanted to kill myself, I really thought I'd be able to do it, but I failed so many times, it's honestly embarrassing. At the moment I just wish I could just die, I'm very very miserable, I'm angry at the world, at society, at the medical system, I wish there was euthanasia or I wish I could just get killed in a humane way by someone or something else. This world is extremely barbaric for forcing us to stay here for so long. I'm not depressed in the typical sense, like I'm still functional and present and clean sort of, a lot better than how I was a few years ago and in my depressive states, it could also be that I'm getting older too so I have more responsibilities and I can't just ignore it now, can't use the young emo kid excuse anymore. But still everyday I want to die, no matter what, except maybe if I won the lottery or something (I don't play it though anymore hah), I would be extremely happy like I can't even imagine the happiness I would feel if I won millions of dollars, it's a selfish type of happiness too I know, because others are suffering and animals are fucking suffering so much, but at least I personally wouldn't be for once in my life. I would definitely live for another 10-15 years and CTB in a much better way when I'm sick of life and sick of the guilt I carry for existing and my part in ruining the planet.
