Venting How long do you give life to improve?

[Lara Francis]

I just want to cry right now but the endless supply of tears has finally dried up.
I just dont know what to do anymore and am extremely anxious all of the time.
My coping distractions are not working,so what i am ment to do now.?
I brought a rope today and it was the best feeling.
I am just so lost and traumatized and i just want to have a calm mind thats not racing 24 /7.
I wake up with such jaw ache because i must stress during the night too.
Usually the day is starting again before i even sleep.its so frustrating when you just want to sleep as a means of escape from the mental and emotional torture and rest a tired body but it just doesnt happen.

In the grand scale of life,how much time and chances do u give it?
I have always lived my life according to my own time scales in which i wanted to achieve things.
I feel i have given life a good shot but its not good enough.or maybe its me that is not good enough.!
Maybe thats just it!.my boy has more strength and courage in his little finger than what i have.i am such a failure!

 

[TiredHorse]

I'm so sorry, Lara. You've been through a goddamned wringer --again and again and again. I wish I could send you even one calm night of peace, to try and give you the strength to brace yourself for another day. You deserve so much better than what you've been handed.

How much time? How many chances? I've been telling myself to give it a year since I got kicked in the emotional teeth --which gives me a couple more months to go-- but I fear that's only because I've failed to CTB so many times and am exhausted at the thought of trying again, so I'm stalling. Which counts, as far as survival goes, but it's hardly forward progress. I'm not safely anchored, I've merely run aground. There's also the problem that I haven't made it an entire year without getting kicked in the teeth yet again, so... does the clock get re-set each time a new blow lands? I don't know. If I get kicked again, I've decided that the rest of the world, all the loose ends I obsess over, can all go to hell. If I can, I'll use the force of that next kick to make it to the bus stop.

So I guess I don't have a good answer. How much time and how many chances you give life is not something another person can answer for you. Sort of like, "Is ___ a good reason to CTB?" What has broken me may be trivial to someone else, and I know a few reasons to CTB I've read here have definitely left me scratching my head and thinking, "Really? You want to end your life because of ___? Well, okay, I guess..." I can't imagine too many more personal decisions than why and when to end your own life.

Whatever you decide will be the right answer for you, and the only answer that matters.

But in pure selfishness, I hope you can hang on. I enjoy having your presence here.

 

[Lara Francis]

I'm so sorry, Lara. You've been through a goddamned wringer --again and again and again. I wish I could send you even one calm night of peace, to try and give you the strength to brace yourself for another day. You deserve so much better than what you've been handed.

How much time? How many chances? I've been telling myself to give it a year since I got kicked in the emotional teeth --which gives me a couple more months to go-- but I fear that's only because I've failed to CTB so many times and am exhausted at the thought of trying again, so I'm stalling. Which counts, as far as survival goes, but it's hardly forward progress. I'm not safely anchored, I've merely run aground. There's also the problem that I haven't made it an entire year without getting kicked in the teeth yet again, so... does the clock get re-set each time a new blow lands? I don't know. If I get kicked again, I've decided that the rest of the world, all the loose ends I obsess over, can all go to hell. If I can, I'll use the force of that next kick to make it to the bus stop.

So I guess I don't have a good answer. How much time and how many chances you give life is not something another person can answer for you. Sort of like, "Is ___ a good reason to CTB?" What has broken me may be trivial to someone else, and I know a few reasons to CTB I've read here have definitely left me scratching my head and thinking, "Really? You want to end your life because of ___? Well, okay, I guess..." I can't imagine too many more personal decisions than why and when to end your own life.

Whatever you decide will be the right answer for you, and the only answer that matters.

But in pure selfishness, I hope you can hang on. I enjoy having your presence here.

Thanku @TiredHorse .you are always a plesure to talk to and r very kind and thoughtful.
I hope things can improve for you too and we can both see some light at the end of the tunnel soon xx

 

[k75]

Lara, you're not a failure. Nothing you described makes me think that.

I identify so much with what you are going through. Sleep stress is definitely a thing. I think I've been clenching my jaws and grinding my teeth in my sleep. Jaw's hurting all the time. And the racing thoughts never end. It's affecting my ability to have simple conversations.

For me, I guess I'm giving it until I run out of excuses or ways to procrastinate. That's how I'll know it's finally time. Realistically, I think there's only a month or two left. I've still got some things to wrap up.

 

[oopswronglife]

Until you can't. That's the most unhelpful, but most honest answer I have. A thousand times I've said "I can't take another day of this" and a thousand times I did. I don't know when the bough breaks and the cradle falls...nobody does...so we go on until then.

 

[SinisterKid]

Its probably the most valid question we can ask of ourselves. I dont know the answer. I have now gone 11 yrs and nothing has changed or got better. My mental health has slowly declined and even with a full tool kit, I seem powerless to prevent that decline. Distraction was always my best friend when things got really bad, but even that is having little effect now. My music gives me some instant fixes, but I cant listen to music 24/7. Reading is hit and miss. Movies are the same. TV bores me to tears and I am not very mobile so tend to be indoors a lot.

Hopefully, you can find some answers for yourself. Bringing new life into this world is about as far from failure as you can get in my eyes. You did something amazing and to be in there, still fighting for him, even when you feel the way you do right now, that is a strength I wish I had. Failure? methinks not.

 

[TAW122]

I don't really have a fixed time, but it is based on circumstance and time combined. For example, in March this year, I took a gamble and decided that if I succeeded in my adventure/goal/whatever it is I'm going for, then I'll live, but if I failed or fell short of getting what I'm looking for, then I would have died end of May 2019. (Luckily, I succeeded so that allowed me to make a small recovery.) So in short, there is no given time for me, but based on several self-defined criteria on giving my life a chance to improve.

 

[Saga]

I just want to cry right now but the endless supply of tears has finally dried up.
I just dont know what to do anymore and am extremely anxious all of the time.
My coping distractions are not working,so what i am ment to do now.?
I brought a rope today and it was the best feeling.
I am just so lost and traumatized and i just want to have a calm mind thats not racing 24 /7.
I wake up with such jaw ache because i must stress during the night too.
Usually the day is starting again before i even sleep.its so frustrating when you just want to sleep as a means of escape from the mental and emotional torture and rest a tired body but it just doesnt happen.

In the grand scale of life,how much time and chances do u give it?
I have always lived my life according to my own time scales in which i wanted to achieve things.
I feel i have given life a good shot but its not good enough.or maybe its me that is not good enough.!
Maybe thats just it!.my boy has more strength and courage in his little finger than what i have.i am such a failure!

Until sept for me

 

[21Neberg]

I just want to cry right now but the endless supply of tears has finally dried up.
I just dont know what to do anymore and am extremely anxious all of the time.
My coping distractions are not working,so what i am ment to do now.?
I brought a rope today and it was the best feeling.
I am just so lost and traumatized and i just want to have a calm mind thats not racing 24 /7.
I wake up with such jaw ache because i must stress during the night too.
Usually the day is starting again before i even sleep.its so frustrating when you just want to sleep as a means of escape from the mental and emotional torture and rest a tired body but it just doesnt happen.

In the grand scale of life,how much time and chances do u give it?
I have always lived my life according to my own time scales in which i wanted to achieve things.
I feel i have given life a good shot but its not good enough.or maybe its me that is not good enough.!
Maybe thats just it!.my boy has more strength and courage in his little finger than what i have.i am such a failure!

Hi Lara, I'm sorry such a kind soul as yours isn't going through this. I'm glad you're still here though - you're one of my favorite members of this site.

Personally, I've been receiving treatment for the past 6 months now and I just got out of a two-week psych ward stay. My 'rule' has been to continue attempting to get better until I'm either excited to live again, or when I finally succeed in killing myself. I don't really see either one happening - though my current CTB plan is pretty good if I can say so myself.

 

[Sailfisher]

Precisely 26 months when the non-compete clause expires on my indentured servitude.

 

[Lara Francis]

Hi Lara, I'm sorry such a kind soul as yours isn't going through this. I'm glad you're still here though - you're one of my favorite members of this site.

Personally, I've been receiving treatment for the past 6 months now and I just got out of a two-week psych ward stay. My 'rule' has been to continue attempting to get better until I'm either excited to live again, or when I finally succeed in killing myself. I don't really see either one happening - though my current CTB plan is pretty good if I can say so myself.

Thanku.u r very kind.
I am glad u r out of hospital and I have hopes for your continued recovery.
I have missed seeing u around here,i know thats abit selfish of me.
Nice to speak to u
Take care x

 

[azucaramargo]

I just want to cry right now but the endless supply of tears has finally dried up.
I just dont know what to do anymore and am extremely anxious all of the time.
My coping distractions are not working,so what i am ment to do now.?
I brought a rope today and it was the best feeling.
I am just so lost and traumatized and i just want to have a calm mind thats not racing 24 /7.
I wake up with such jaw ache because i must stress during the night too.
Usually the day is starting again before i even sleep.its so frustrating when you just want to sleep as a means of escape from the mental and emotional torture and rest a tired body but it just doesnt happen.

In the grand scale of life,how much time and chances do u give it?
I have always lived my life according to my own time scales in which i wanted to achieve things.
I feel i have given life a good shot but its not good enough.or maybe its me that is not good enough.!
Maybe thats just it!.my boy has more strength and courage in his little finger than what i have.i am such a failure!

Such a raw and beautiful post! You describe the angst and impatience I feel so well! It's nice to read my feelings laid out in such an articulate manner. Also, I really appreciated what you wrote about timelines.

Thanku.u r very kind.
I am glad u r out of hospital and I have hopes for your continued recovery.
I have missed seeing u around here,i know thats abit selfish of me.
Nice to speak to u
Take care x

I love the love on this site! Such warmth and concern! I wish everyday were like this...with everyBODY.

Thanku.u r very kind.
I am glad u r out of hospital and I have hopes for your continued recovery.
I have missed seeing u around here,i know thats abit selfish of me.
Nice to speak to u
Take care x

I love the love on this site! Such warmth and concern! I wish everyday were like this...with everyBODY.

Until you can't. That's the most unhelpful, but most honest answer I have. A thousand times I've said "I can't take another day of this" and a thousand times I did. I don't know when the bough breaks and the cradle falls...nobody does...so we go on until then.

Bomb!

 

[Rachel74]

I'm nearly 45 and had bipolar for 22 years. I've fought hard along the way and will keep fighting until I know I can't go on. I still have things to live for but it's getting harder and harder. I'll keep trying new meds and sleeping as much as I can get through it all.
Sending you a huge hug Lara xxxx

 

[Empty Smile]

I've given life 30 years to improve. I've given life everything I had, blood, sweat and tears, and have gotten nothing in return, and I have nothing left to give.

Fuck life.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I'm not giving time for my life to "improve" as I know it's a lost cause. I'm only extending my life for as long as possible to take care of unfinished business and to indulge in whatever petty hedonism I still can.