How long did it take you to figure out you were being bullied?

[CogitoMori]

I'm undiagnosed autistic because my parents didn't believe in mental health care even when I said I wanted to die when I was 8. There have been so many scenarios in my life where I think people are being friendly to me or including me when they're doing the opposite. I've always been told I was sensitive, and I can be, so I always doubt malicious intentions and tell myself that I shouldn't react badly, because they didn't mean it badly. Because of that it takes me literal years to finally notice (or get enough evidence I guess) that I'm being treated badly and singled out. One of the earliest examples in my life would be when girls in middle school asked if they could play with my long hair in music class. I let them for a while because I liked it, then they asked if they could put vaseline chapstick in my hair to "moisturize it." I was hesitant and thought it might be a trick, but they were black girls and I thought maybe that's just what they did to their hair, so I let them do it. My hair was greasy with it, and I didn't realize what they were actually doing until they started putting liquid paper in my hair too without saying anything about it. People that I liked would reach out to me a few years after I moved, and tell me that they did like me too, but they rejected and avoided me and went along with the bullies because anyone I liked was automatically a target I guess. It took years to realize I was being bullied via social isolation and it was only because I was told. I feel fucking stupid for ever believing there are good people in this world. Every single time I heal enough to trust someone they just fuck me over or leave me to fend on my own. They all just pretend and leave you behind no matter how much you've helped them or how well you've treated them.

 

[CogitoMori]

I am so sorry for what you've been through. People can be so cruel, especially to autistic people. Have you ever tried to find some neurodivergent friends?

Yeah, but I'm not really trying anymore because I can't trust anyone and that's a lesson I keep having to learn over and over. Someone fairly recently lead me on and tricked me into thinking we were "intimate friends" (their words and I asked if they meant sexually or emotionally and they said emotionally). I told their partner what they did while they were on a supposed "break" and they started gossiping to people I want to be friends with saying I was "trying to cause problems." The partner never confirmed if they were actually on a break or not.