How it feels to know that I will commit suicide

[dolphin]

I can't believe that I ended up in this position. When I was younger, I probably occasionally entertained the thought of killing myself when I was sad or felt neglected, but the feeling always passed pretty quickly.
I am severely depressed because of physical issues. I know that I am loved and I know that people care about me. This does not deter me from killing myself - it makes it all the more difficult. I want to stay here so badly. But I can't. I have no future in my current state and I need to remove myself now.

 

[Divine Trinity]

"Love" is a belief, not a status or set of patterns. People believe they are loved in which they expect certain behaviors from others. When that person doesn't act the way you think they should (ie "I thought xxx loved me") you become upset, suprised, angry, depressed. We're conditioned to be depressed in this society that indoctrinates its people into having expections via schools, media, parents, literature, etc.

Once the cat is out of the bag, you are shunned for not achieving a certain standard (expectation). Instead of people looking at the goal (standard), and you (outcome), then figuring out a way to to solve the problem (goal =/= outcome). We get upset like a chimp and throw the experiment (you) at the wall (conflict).

Look at the concept of justice. By definition belief =/= reality, by pursuing justice has a problem ever been solved? Are people happy? No. Using that system, we attack the symptoms (or lock it in a cage) and never solve the problem (what causes undesirable behavior), most of the time the problems escalate and result in extreme, irrational acts.

Not related to your post, but it's a trigger word to me.

 

[RedSalvation15]

I really don't know what to say in such a situation. Having to die, but not really wanting to. To say it must be a horrible feeling would be an immense understatement.
Whatever happens to you ... I honestly wish you all the best, wherever the journey afterwards takes you. May it be nothing, a peaceful place or anything else.

 

[Worndown]

There comes a time when progressing physical issues overtake your ability to cope. None of us know where that line is until we cross it.