badtzmaru
Member
- Jul 1, 2023
- 15
i feel like i have been struggling my whole life and childhood, acting different and being treated different in return.
i never really thought about it until some years ago, and after that, i've never really stopped it. it feels rude to come into an actual autistic person and asks "how do you do it?" "how do you live?" or "how do you feel?"
the thing that made me struggle the most during my life is being extremely sensitive out of nowhere. i would cry out of shyness whenever i had to speak or sing in the church when i was a kid, i would immediately burst in crying whenever i've felt angry or anxious or sad, barely anything. it feels like when you have that minor inconvenience, and you already have so much to deal with, and you just cry, because fuck off, everything is going wrong. but it's really not. nothing is happening and everything is perfect, and i just cry. in 2021 i had a fight with my mother over the stupidest thing ever and i thought to myself "how am i going to actually live life if i'm like this? real problems and real challenges?" i felt weak and i attempt suicide over that.
when i attended therapy for the first time, the doctor implied, what if there is someone that needs to take a bus to go to work everyday but they simply can't. they might have an anxiety attack, hurt himself or hurt another, and can't do a simply task from a everyday routine.
i know that i am i truly autistic, things won't change. i'll have people to support me and help me through it and sort things out, but it won't make me 'normal' and that scares me. i don't want to be socially awkward my whole life. i don't want people to stare me like they're in a zoo, like: "oh, you're autistic? yeah i saw a movie about that once. can you do math?" i don't want either to be mistaken by one of those tiktok weeaboos who are going through some real shit and search up anything in the internet to have an immediate prescription. i'm not sure how am i supposed to work like that and live like that. everything is 10x harder than it should be and i feel left behind from everybody else for something that is not even my fault to begin with
i never really thought about it until some years ago, and after that, i've never really stopped it. it feels rude to come into an actual autistic person and asks "how do you do it?" "how do you live?" or "how do you feel?"
the thing that made me struggle the most during my life is being extremely sensitive out of nowhere. i would cry out of shyness whenever i had to speak or sing in the church when i was a kid, i would immediately burst in crying whenever i've felt angry or anxious or sad, barely anything. it feels like when you have that minor inconvenience, and you already have so much to deal with, and you just cry, because fuck off, everything is going wrong. but it's really not. nothing is happening and everything is perfect, and i just cry. in 2021 i had a fight with my mother over the stupidest thing ever and i thought to myself "how am i going to actually live life if i'm like this? real problems and real challenges?" i felt weak and i attempt suicide over that.
when i attended therapy for the first time, the doctor implied, what if there is someone that needs to take a bus to go to work everyday but they simply can't. they might have an anxiety attack, hurt himself or hurt another, and can't do a simply task from a everyday routine.
i know that i am i truly autistic, things won't change. i'll have people to support me and help me through it and sort things out, but it won't make me 'normal' and that scares me. i don't want to be socially awkward my whole life. i don't want people to stare me like they're in a zoo, like: "oh, you're autistic? yeah i saw a movie about that once. can you do math?" i don't want either to be mistaken by one of those tiktok weeaboos who are going through some real shit and search up anything in the internet to have an immediate prescription. i'm not sure how am i supposed to work like that and live like that. everything is 10x harder than it should be and i feel left behind from everybody else for something that is not even my fault to begin with
