Discussion How is it possible to suddenly feel suicidal when everything goes well?

[TastySorrow]

Let's say the impossible happens - whatever it was that had you at the verge of ending your life before, the feeling and certainty that there was no chance but for the worst possible outcome to happen, all of that simply turns around and, for an unfathomable reason, things start going your way. And in the midst of enjoying this unique gift, some random inconvenience just blows it all away like nothing. Maybe it's more than a "random inconvenience", but a significant problem yet still not worth spiraling into depression for. It's hard to explain, I can't find the words for it without going into detail about my privacy.

Anyway, that's how I feel right now. Feel like months ago I was crying like a coward, threatening myself that I'd end it all if I didn't achieve what finally and luckily put my future back on track and now I'm here, making things hard for myself again over completely manageable stuff in complete ingratitude.

Have you ever felt this way?

 

[sadpenguin]

Well said. I have DEFINITELY felt this way too. Thank you for saying it. You are not alone, and now I don't feel so alone either. ❤❤❤

 

[Natty]

I think this is completely normal and also standard symptom of depression/anxiety.

There are things about my life that I have definitely improved upon over the last year or so, many things (from the outside) are objectively better, and for a while it was a bit easier to push out the overwhelming negative suicidal thoughts. For me, things have regressed significantly, but the fact that you are cognizant of this phenomenon is a good sign and can potentially be cultivated.

When these things happen that throw you off, so to speak, can you recognize them as they occur? A big part of getting a grasp on those feelings is recognizing them as they happen, even if we are not able to reverse them. Just knowing they are happening and the knowledge that these "random inconveniences" or even the significant, but not life destroying, problems ARE happening and ARE affecting you can lead to more positive outcomes.

The next time this happens, see if you can recognize it early in the process. You might not be able to reverse the outward effects, but you will gain a bit of power over them that can maybe help in the future.

This is all a process that is supposed to be the outcome of being more mindful. So since you seems to already be on that path, maybe look into more mindfulness exercises.

 

[TastySorrow]

Well said. I have DEFINITELY felt this way too. Thank you for saying it. You are not alone, and now I don't feel so alone either. ❤❤❤

We do know that we're not alone, we're just looking for that refreshing feeling of someone else taking their time to make us know we're not :)

When these things happen that throw you off, so to speak, can you recognize them as they occur? A big part of getting a grasp on those feelings is recognizing them as they happen, even if we are not able to reverse them. Just knowing they are happening and the knowledge that these "random inconveniences" or even the significant, but not life destroying, problems ARE happening and ARE affecting you can lead to more positive outcomes.

Unfortunately, I can't control the way they make me feel, but I understand why they do and at least am able to come to terms with them and recognize which solutions are too extreme to be solutions at all. All of which I understand as personal progress, in a way. Not to say it's not uncomfortable per se, thus me being here again. But yeah, definitely and thanks for mentioning it.

 

[Natty]

Unfortunately, I can't control the way they make me feel, but I understand why they do and at least am able to come to terms with them and recognize which solutions are too extreme to be solutions at all.

You seem disappointed that you can't control the way they make you feel, but I can promise you that just being able to recognize them as they crop up is a very good thing. You're not supposed to be able to change the way you feel or behave, but the cognizance is a step that most people just don't achieve.

I would implore you to keep exploring this train of thought and mindfulness stuff. It really helped me a lot, and if it weren't for other external factors and people I think it could have helped me tremendously, or perhaps even saved me. Doing this specifically, recognizing these thoughts/feeling as they arise but not trying to control them, only to understand them almost eliminated my health anxiety over the period of a few months after a years long fight with it.