I feel like maybe this community will understand. I've tried to tell so many people and they just minimize it because they want to prevent "a suicide" without thinking of the person behind it all. I really need to nail down a method and do it. I keep changing my mind - I figure out what it's going to be and then I read about more failure points and hesitate. It has to succeed.
I was born into an abusive family. And not in an abusive family that's easy to explain because my parents had a reasonably good outward appearance. But behind closed doors it was emotional neglect and yelling and I was a sensitive kid and lived in fear most of my life. It shaped how my personality developed. I am highly anxious and fearful and mistrusting of people. Any time I approach a group of people, they reject me. I learned a few tricks over the years to not be immediately rejected by certain groups of weirdos, but eventually they reject me, too. The pattern of rejection I experienced as a pre-schooler continues to play out in my adult life and I am turning 40 this year.
I've had repeated career failures -- everything I have tried, and tried I did with 100% of my heart, has fallen through. I am one of those people with too much education and not enough experience. I've had close to 20 jobs. I've made such a bad impression on almost all of my past employers because of how sensitive I am and how unable I am to cope with stress that I am now unemployed because I have no references. Making money is all about making people like you. I have tried so hard...I've done so much therapy and tried so many medications and alternative treatments and you name it to try to make myself a more likable person but the abused scared kid just shows through anyway. It's hopeless. I am 39 years old with a masters degree and I earn 400 a month working for my husband.
And now my husband is tired of my mental health issues after 11 years and is on the verge of divorcing me. He covers my health insurance and my employment. Any savings I had from working went into the downpayment on a house we bought together and remodeled. My cat is here. I'm about to become homeless, jobless, and without medical care. During the pandemic, I can't stay with anyone. Our state just shut down hotels -- not that I'd have money to pay for one anyway. I have a car that's very old and near breaking down. it's paid for but I couldn't afford the insurance. I don't think anyone would hire me, not even at a grocery store, because they'd wonder why someone with a masters degree was applying. They'd immediately know something was wrong.
My closest friends have sided with my husband. They feel bad for him that he's had to put up with me all these years. I feel dehumanized. I am not doing this on purpose. I don't want to hurt my husband. I don't want to hurt anybody. I just see the world differently than they do and it's hard to pretend because my sad, fearful core always shows through any attempts I make at faking it for their sake. I try and try and try and it's never enough. My episodes are getting exhausting. I have been depressed for months on end now -- my longest episode ever. I can't see the world for what it is anymore. There seems to be no end in sight.
I wish I could change. Lord knows I have tried. It is too painful to live this way. I need a method and I need to just do it. I need to decide on something.
-SN seems harder than I realized. Plus, I had some and it was confiscated after my last hospitalization.
-Hanging might work as I have read some decent explanations on how to practice passing out to get used to it before the real attempt.
-A gunshot to the head might work but I am so baby faced and innocent and nerdy looking that no gun shop owner would believe I actually wanted a gun. I know nothing about guns or how to buy one. If anyone has advice on this, lmk. I don't know if that's allowed.
-I don't have the guts to slit my wrists or throat or anything like that.
-Swallowing pills and alcohol rarely works
-Nembutol is hard to get without losing hundreds of dollars along the way, which I can't afford to risk if I get scammed.
-cyanide, same deal
-carbon monoxide might work but it leaves too much room to change your mind
No method is perfect. I am just having a really hard time deciding which shortcomings I'm willing to accept because I need to die. I need to. There is no hope for me because my personality will always prevent me from getting what I need to get better. I died a long time ago. Now I just need to finish the job.
I was born into an abusive family. And not in an abusive family that's easy to explain because my parents had a reasonably good outward appearance. But behind closed doors it was emotional neglect and yelling and I was a sensitive kid and lived in fear most of my life. It shaped how my personality developed. I am highly anxious and fearful and mistrusting of people. Any time I approach a group of people, they reject me. I learned a few tricks over the years to not be immediately rejected by certain groups of weirdos, but eventually they reject me, too. The pattern of rejection I experienced as a pre-schooler continues to play out in my adult life and I am turning 40 this year.
I've had repeated career failures -- everything I have tried, and tried I did with 100% of my heart, has fallen through. I am one of those people with too much education and not enough experience. I've had close to 20 jobs. I've made such a bad impression on almost all of my past employers because of how sensitive I am and how unable I am to cope with stress that I am now unemployed because I have no references. Making money is all about making people like you. I have tried so hard...I've done so much therapy and tried so many medications and alternative treatments and you name it to try to make myself a more likable person but the abused scared kid just shows through anyway. It's hopeless. I am 39 years old with a masters degree and I earn 400 a month working for my husband.
And now my husband is tired of my mental health issues after 11 years and is on the verge of divorcing me. He covers my health insurance and my employment. Any savings I had from working went into the downpayment on a house we bought together and remodeled. My cat is here. I'm about to become homeless, jobless, and without medical care. During the pandemic, I can't stay with anyone. Our state just shut down hotels -- not that I'd have money to pay for one anyway. I have a car that's very old and near breaking down. it's paid for but I couldn't afford the insurance. I don't think anyone would hire me, not even at a grocery store, because they'd wonder why someone with a masters degree was applying. They'd immediately know something was wrong.
My closest friends have sided with my husband. They feel bad for him that he's had to put up with me all these years. I feel dehumanized. I am not doing this on purpose. I don't want to hurt my husband. I don't want to hurt anybody. I just see the world differently than they do and it's hard to pretend because my sad, fearful core always shows through any attempts I make at faking it for their sake. I try and try and try and it's never enough. My episodes are getting exhausting. I have been depressed for months on end now -- my longest episode ever. I can't see the world for what it is anymore. There seems to be no end in sight.
I wish I could change. Lord knows I have tried. It is too painful to live this way. I need a method and I need to just do it. I need to decide on something.
-SN seems harder than I realized. Plus, I had some and it was confiscated after my last hospitalization.
-Hanging might work as I have read some decent explanations on how to practice passing out to get used to it before the real attempt.
-A gunshot to the head might work but I am so baby faced and innocent and nerdy looking that no gun shop owner would believe I actually wanted a gun. I know nothing about guns or how to buy one. If anyone has advice on this, lmk. I don't know if that's allowed.
-I don't have the guts to slit my wrists or throat or anything like that.
-Swallowing pills and alcohol rarely works
-Nembutol is hard to get without losing hundreds of dollars along the way, which I can't afford to risk if I get scammed.
-cyanide, same deal
-carbon monoxide might work but it leaves too much room to change your mind
No method is perfect. I am just having a really hard time deciding which shortcomings I'm willing to accept because I need to die. I need to. There is no hope for me because my personality will always prevent me from getting what I need to get better. I died a long time ago. Now I just need to finish the job.
