LavĂnia
plalace
- Feb 19, 2024
- 152
Here's how I ruined my life. Today, for example, I finally started to regain my boss's trust. He sent me some spreadsheets to help him, and I spent the whole day working on them. The whole day feeling like I wasn't making any progress, but I finished. After a while, he asked why the column order was different. I didn't change the column order. The spreadsheet was shared with the whole department; someone must have merged cells from one column into another to simplify things, and I didn't notice. I said I would adjust it, and he said he would. Finally, when I have the opportunity to help with something, I completely miss it because I didn't notice that the damn thing I've been working on all day is different.
My mind is so lazy. I can't focus, I can't have a straight line of reasoning. I studied a bit of taxation to talk to a client, and I desperately clung to it, trying to have a minimal connection with learning. Because I don't think anymore, I just do things. I just breathe, eat, sleep, and stare at a screen.
In school, the subjects were easy; I didn't really study, I never knew how to study. I thought it was simple, like in the movies—you just needed to know something, a scene would play, and that was it! But no, I need to develop, the absorption is up to me. I didn't put in the effort in school. When I tried to put in the effort, it wasn't enough; I failed a test because I didn't know history. And I gave up. I assumed I was smart and stopped learning anything useful.
I realized that conversation hurt. You misjudge the timing of conversations, you don't really know a topic, you run out of things to say, you don't know the other person, you know them so well that it becomes boring. You listen to be heard, you speak to be heard. I gave up trying to connect with people, I stopped talking to everyone I met several times. I lost contact until everyone gave up trying to change my mind. Time passed, and I no longer know those people I abandoned, and they don't know me, they will never know me again. I realized that to be someone, you need effort, you need to know yourself, have the strength to defend yourself, to fight, and to understand the world. A continuous effort that never ends. I gave up, I settled, and I never moved forward. I'm still the same cowardly and clumsy girl I've been since I was 15. Now I'm 22 and nothing has changed. Nothing has changed.
Lately I've been trying hard, I'm trying to think, to use my brain and wake up to produce something, to study something, to be useful. But I'm realizing that my best isn't enough anymore. That's it. I've reduced my chances too much and now I can't go back.
I wish I could be a child again, and that disgusts me.
My mind is so lazy. I can't focus, I can't have a straight line of reasoning. I studied a bit of taxation to talk to a client, and I desperately clung to it, trying to have a minimal connection with learning. Because I don't think anymore, I just do things. I just breathe, eat, sleep, and stare at a screen.
In school, the subjects were easy; I didn't really study, I never knew how to study. I thought it was simple, like in the movies—you just needed to know something, a scene would play, and that was it! But no, I need to develop, the absorption is up to me. I didn't put in the effort in school. When I tried to put in the effort, it wasn't enough; I failed a test because I didn't know history. And I gave up. I assumed I was smart and stopped learning anything useful.
I realized that conversation hurt. You misjudge the timing of conversations, you don't really know a topic, you run out of things to say, you don't know the other person, you know them so well that it becomes boring. You listen to be heard, you speak to be heard. I gave up trying to connect with people, I stopped talking to everyone I met several times. I lost contact until everyone gave up trying to change my mind. Time passed, and I no longer know those people I abandoned, and they don't know me, they will never know me again. I realized that to be someone, you need effort, you need to know yourself, have the strength to defend yourself, to fight, and to understand the world. A continuous effort that never ends. I gave up, I settled, and I never moved forward. I'm still the same cowardly and clumsy girl I've been since I was 15. Now I'm 22 and nothing has changed. Nothing has changed.
Lately I've been trying hard, I'm trying to think, to use my brain and wake up to produce something, to study something, to be useful. But I'm realizing that my best isn't enough anymore. That's it. I've reduced my chances too much and now I can't go back.
I wish I could be a child again, and that disgusts me.
