TAW122
Emissary of the right to die.
- Aug 30, 2018
- 6,813
Note: This is NOT a goodbye post and also will not be dying anytime soon, but this is a story of how I arrived at such conclusions in regards to nihilism, anti-natalism, and suicide. There is a lot to unpack and discuss here, so this will be a very long post. Please bear with me and I appreciate it if you would take the time to read it all. Everything that I said all will relate to each other.
I have written many threads on these various topics of such as well as one of the threads outlining my reasons for wanting to die by suicide. In fact, I know that it is certain in my lifetime (barring sudden disease or catastrophe) that I will die by my hand, suicide, but it really is a matter of circumstance and time. I don't plan on living until old age, even if my health is generally good. I will explain my reasoning. For most of my life, since age 12, I do consider myself suicidal as I do oftenly have suicidal ideation and what not, with certain periods of my lifespan actively contemplating it. As of now, I am not actively suicidal, but passively. It started around age 10, when I first questioned about life, what is and why is life, life? What is the point of life if one cannot have "fun"? Or so, those were the questions that I asked myself. I had a tough childhood growing up, both at home and at school, which of course, did shape my perspective on the real world, but without getting too side tracked, I'll just say with my current state of life, generally life just sucks. Sure there are good times and what not, but those are oftenly fleeting. Most of the other times, life is but a big grind until the end (death by old age and illness, natural death, accident/unexpected event). Why bother with all the decades of mostly suffering only to experience sparse fleeting moments of pleasure which would then be short lived and followed with more suffering?
In this thread, I'll list my reasons (in addition to personal reasons) to why I believe that suicide would be the answer for me. Also, I will elaborate and add on to what I've already said in my previous topics regarding death, nihilism, and anti-natalism. Consider this thread as more of a current version of my stance on life in general, my current state in terms of my life, as well as an compilation of my previous threads all in one.
Note: I am not advocating nor endorsing suicide for anyone. I am merely explaining my reasoning and hoping others may share similar sentiments as I do in regards to my viewpoint.
Personal Reasons for wanting suicide:
These reasons are my reasons and excluding societal reasons, but are unique to me.
1) I had Aspergers since I was a child (not formally diagnosed until about age 16, in High School), which makes life in general difficult such as social interactions, day to day living, and just navigating the world.
2) Had social anxiety and still do, in fact, anxiety has gotten worse over the years (haven't narrowed it to the exact cause/causes).
3) Fear of losing my ability to pursue my hobbies in the manner I wish to (on my terms), one of the hobbies most important to me is piano playing, but other hobbies as well.
4) The current state of society and the world in general. Things are getting more censored, more anti-choice sentiment as our freedoms are getting eroded away (in the US particularly), and just general quality of life turning into shit. I do not wish to support a society in which does not hold my interests or values on what I agree with and imposes consequences on me over if I disagree with it or have wrongthink. Society does that to uphold the status quo, regardless of
5) The fact that there are things outside of my control and there is little or anything I can do to affect it and/or give me the desirable result of what I want. (for example, if I want xyz from someone, xyz could be anything simple or complex, but just something (be it a service, a product, or a particular interaction) from others, I may/not get it and it is up to the person to accept/reject. In the event of rejection, I'm faced with accepting the situation and moving on, or just suffering through it. If I don't wish to accept this result, then the consequences would be harsher than what I wish to tolerate (homelessness, psych ward, prison, other horrible situations), therefore, death would be a release from such consequences.
(There are more reasons, but these are just a few.)
Other Reasons for wanting suicide (including philosophical and external reasons):
These reasons are reasons that are more theoretical, philosophical, and isn't necessarily unique to me, but applies to the world or is something more universal.
1) Life is generally meaningless and we are brought into existence without any say in it. (Keep in mind I'm an anti-natalist).
2) Humanity is generally full of contradictions and not logical. Hypocrisy exists at just about every corner as well as double standards.
3) The world will get much worse, quality of life, society, people are crueler day by day, fueled by greed and narcissism (animal/human nature), before anything gets better. This is even assuming that things will get better (which may or may not happen, at least not within a reasonable time, i.e. someone's lifetime).
4) The general attitude towards suicide and how if anyone thought about life being meaningless and/or preferred death are considered mentally ill (wrongthink).
5) The superficialness of society and people towards others along with the neverending list of platitudes, virtue signals, and censorship of anything that goes against the status quo.
6) If I choose to opt out of society, then I would likely be destitute, homeless, and may die of other factors stemming from homelessness and destitution (starvation, disease and illness, violence in the streets, the elements (weather), and more).
7) Non-existence, death is considered an absolute zero, which is neither positive nor negative if we considered the universe's perspective. The universe is not concerned about our existence, and in it's perspective, we are just mediums that transfer energy between other mediums (other organisms and living things).
8) Life is good is a biased stance that is purported partly by tradition, especially religion and human construct in order to assign meaning to a meaningless existence.
How I arrived at nihilism:
Perhaps I'm not the best at explaining this, but around my college years, I question what is the point of life, and as someone who is in his early 20's, and with a natural life expectancy (barring diseases, illnesses, accidents, or catastrophes) of 80 or so years of age, an additional 60 or so years (or more) is a long time to be alive. I've seen that people mostly just exist to make money, slave away their labors for a large amount of their waking hours (which is 2/3 of their total time in life or so), and during the resting time, sleep and or prepare to start another grind all over again (1/3 of their time sleeping, or sometimes getting ready for more grind). It seems that people only enjoy this because they are preprogrammed by society, their peers, media, and institutions (churches, schools, workplace, government, etc.) to keep going to fuel this current system that we have. There is no inherent good or bad and that our meaning and value is something that we (collectively) as humans defined to give our lives meaning. Religion is also a man-made construct. As an atheist, I don't believe that God created us, nor in a high power, but I believe that we evolved from other species and eventually gained the ability to consciously know our existence. Finally, at the end of the day, all humans and living things will cease to exist due to age, illness, accidents, catastrophes and what not. If life is full of suffering and misery only with short, fleeting periods of pleasure, then death is the net-neutral state at which there is no pleasure but also no (additional) suffering.
How I arrived at anti-natalism:
During childhood and growing up, I was often taught and reinforced that producing life is a positive thing. If I decided to question or dwell on the "why", it is oftenly quickly shunned and dismissed as inappropriate. It wasn't until I delved into philosophy to know (similar to nihilism) that life is generally full of suffering. Society and media as well as peers generally view birth as a gift of life and that living is considered a good thing. The moment I started to realize how shitty the world is (injustice, greed, shitty people all around, and what not), the more I am against bringing additional life into this hellish world and allowing them to suffer. Furthermore, no one consented nor agreed to be born. Everyone who is alive today is the result of a biological process in which the egg and sperm conceived a baby and that baby is brought to life. Then after said person is conceived, said person is then subject to society's rules on what is allowed and what isn't allowed. Then failure to abide by those rules and laws will result in negative consequences (legal, social, financial, more). If there was a choice to either be born or not, then I believe most people alive today would have chosen not to be born, however, that is not possible as all humans are brought into existence involuntary (against their choice, will). Non-existence is a better state than the state of existence, rife with suffering.
How I arrived at suicide as a solution (in the future):
Life generally sucks and most times, there are many things outside of one's control. Sometimes one does all the right things but simply just had misfortune and things that are unjust (Bad things happening to innocent people, people getting into poverty for things outside of their control, not being able to fulfill said goals, inequality and injustice, more etc). There is no real help to address these grievances and copes (drugs, porn, video games, entertainment, and what not) are all temporary and fleeting. Sooner or later, there will be new problems and new copes, however, even in the midst of the good times, there are oftenly more bad times that accompany them. Everyone's tolerance and limits are different, some break sooner than others, while others weather it out longer than others and there is no set criteria of what is considered enough or not, just a general consensus on what is enough (which is still subjective and based on status quo). For example, most (sensible and compassionate) people will agree that if someone has Stage 3 cancer and are on their deathbed and that death is inevitable will agree that putting said person out of his/her misery would be a valid and appropriate choice. On the flip side, a kid who has just had a bad test grade or a scolding decides to off him/herself is seen unreasonable because there are still chances in which the kid could recover. Again, these are just what society thinks and of course, no reason is ever considered invalid as each person responds to suffering differently than others. I think all reasons whether big or small are "reasons" for suicide and the reason we have some restrictions are oftenly for those who are considered too young or not well informed enough to make a permanent decision on their life.
Additionally, since all humans die at the end, be it old age and infirmity, disease and illness, accidents and other tragedies, suicide seems to be most tragic because of the way society, religion, government, and media have brainwashed the masses into believing it is tragic while downplaying other causes of death. Furthermore, I fully disagree with the notion that suicide is irrational (yes there can be irrational suicides, but there are quite a few non-impulsive, rational suicides, after careful deliberation) or that people who thought or considered it to be mentally ill. In fact, that is an additional reason to die, to spite society and the masses.
Conclusion:
My ultimate verdict is, that life overall sucks when you consider the totality (summation) of everything and all events. By that I mean considering all the pleasure (positive encounters, positive experiences, etc.), all the bad events (negative encounters, negative experiences, etc.) Now of course, when I say life sucks, it is anecdotal to others, because perhaps others' lives are better (or worse) than mine and no two individual's lives are the same (what sucks for one might not for another, vice versa). At the end of time, all humans and living things will come to an end as nothing is forever. I am merely skipping most of the mundane (at best), and suffering as well as potential good times for my lifetime. In general, there is more suffering than pleasure in life, and when all copes have reached their limit and I have decided that additional suffering is not worth the (potential) pleasure in the future, then it would be time to check out. There are no guarantees in life except for death, taxes, and lies (society, media, and what not).
Additionally, even if for a moment, let's suppose that all my personal problems are solved, no longer an issue, and even if I am living a good life, relative to my standards, I'd still want to die because of external reasons and what not. Death really is the ultimate (permanent) solution to a series of chronic problems in a continuous, finite problem 'life.' Anything short of that is just mere copes, whether long term or temporary. As someone once said that life is mostly suffering with various times of short lived pleasures, and by cutting short an arduous life, it will save many years of unnecessary pain and suffering. This is why I have arrived at the conclusion, that I will likely die by suicide, at least from a philosophical and pragmatic perspective.
I have written many threads on these various topics of such as well as one of the threads outlining my reasons for wanting to die by suicide. In fact, I know that it is certain in my lifetime (barring sudden disease or catastrophe) that I will die by my hand, suicide, but it really is a matter of circumstance and time. I don't plan on living until old age, even if my health is generally good. I will explain my reasoning. For most of my life, since age 12, I do consider myself suicidal as I do oftenly have suicidal ideation and what not, with certain periods of my lifespan actively contemplating it. As of now, I am not actively suicidal, but passively. It started around age 10, when I first questioned about life, what is and why is life, life? What is the point of life if one cannot have "fun"? Or so, those were the questions that I asked myself. I had a tough childhood growing up, both at home and at school, which of course, did shape my perspective on the real world, but without getting too side tracked, I'll just say with my current state of life, generally life just sucks. Sure there are good times and what not, but those are oftenly fleeting. Most of the other times, life is but a big grind until the end (death by old age and illness, natural death, accident/unexpected event). Why bother with all the decades of mostly suffering only to experience sparse fleeting moments of pleasure which would then be short lived and followed with more suffering?
In this thread, I'll list my reasons (in addition to personal reasons) to why I believe that suicide would be the answer for me. Also, I will elaborate and add on to what I've already said in my previous topics regarding death, nihilism, and anti-natalism. Consider this thread as more of a current version of my stance on life in general, my current state in terms of my life, as well as an compilation of my previous threads all in one.
Note: I am not advocating nor endorsing suicide for anyone. I am merely explaining my reasoning and hoping others may share similar sentiments as I do in regards to my viewpoint.
Personal Reasons for wanting suicide:
These reasons are my reasons and excluding societal reasons, but are unique to me.
1) I had Aspergers since I was a child (not formally diagnosed until about age 16, in High School), which makes life in general difficult such as social interactions, day to day living, and just navigating the world.
2) Had social anxiety and still do, in fact, anxiety has gotten worse over the years (haven't narrowed it to the exact cause/causes).
3) Fear of losing my ability to pursue my hobbies in the manner I wish to (on my terms), one of the hobbies most important to me is piano playing, but other hobbies as well.
4) The current state of society and the world in general. Things are getting more censored, more anti-choice sentiment as our freedoms are getting eroded away (in the US particularly), and just general quality of life turning into shit. I do not wish to support a society in which does not hold my interests or values on what I agree with and imposes consequences on me over if I disagree with it or have wrongthink. Society does that to uphold the status quo, regardless of
5) The fact that there are things outside of my control and there is little or anything I can do to affect it and/or give me the desirable result of what I want. (for example, if I want xyz from someone, xyz could be anything simple or complex, but just something (be it a service, a product, or a particular interaction) from others, I may/not get it and it is up to the person to accept/reject. In the event of rejection, I'm faced with accepting the situation and moving on, or just suffering through it. If I don't wish to accept this result, then the consequences would be harsher than what I wish to tolerate (homelessness, psych ward, prison, other horrible situations), therefore, death would be a release from such consequences.
(There are more reasons, but these are just a few.)
Other Reasons for wanting suicide (including philosophical and external reasons):
These reasons are reasons that are more theoretical, philosophical, and isn't necessarily unique to me, but applies to the world or is something more universal.
1) Life is generally meaningless and we are brought into existence without any say in it. (Keep in mind I'm an anti-natalist).
2) Humanity is generally full of contradictions and not logical. Hypocrisy exists at just about every corner as well as double standards.
3) The world will get much worse, quality of life, society, people are crueler day by day, fueled by greed and narcissism (animal/human nature), before anything gets better. This is even assuming that things will get better (which may or may not happen, at least not within a reasonable time, i.e. someone's lifetime).
4) The general attitude towards suicide and how if anyone thought about life being meaningless and/or preferred death are considered mentally ill (wrongthink).
5) The superficialness of society and people towards others along with the neverending list of platitudes, virtue signals, and censorship of anything that goes against the status quo.
6) If I choose to opt out of society, then I would likely be destitute, homeless, and may die of other factors stemming from homelessness and destitution (starvation, disease and illness, violence in the streets, the elements (weather), and more).
7) Non-existence, death is considered an absolute zero, which is neither positive nor negative if we considered the universe's perspective. The universe is not concerned about our existence, and in it's perspective, we are just mediums that transfer energy between other mediums (other organisms and living things).
8) Life is good is a biased stance that is purported partly by tradition, especially religion and human construct in order to assign meaning to a meaningless existence.
How I arrived at nihilism:
Perhaps I'm not the best at explaining this, but around my college years, I question what is the point of life, and as someone who is in his early 20's, and with a natural life expectancy (barring diseases, illnesses, accidents, or catastrophes) of 80 or so years of age, an additional 60 or so years (or more) is a long time to be alive. I've seen that people mostly just exist to make money, slave away their labors for a large amount of their waking hours (which is 2/3 of their total time in life or so), and during the resting time, sleep and or prepare to start another grind all over again (1/3 of their time sleeping, or sometimes getting ready for more grind). It seems that people only enjoy this because they are preprogrammed by society, their peers, media, and institutions (churches, schools, workplace, government, etc.) to keep going to fuel this current system that we have. There is no inherent good or bad and that our meaning and value is something that we (collectively) as humans defined to give our lives meaning. Religion is also a man-made construct. As an atheist, I don't believe that God created us, nor in a high power, but I believe that we evolved from other species and eventually gained the ability to consciously know our existence. Finally, at the end of the day, all humans and living things will cease to exist due to age, illness, accidents, catastrophes and what not. If life is full of suffering and misery only with short, fleeting periods of pleasure, then death is the net-neutral state at which there is no pleasure but also no (additional) suffering.
How I arrived at anti-natalism:
During childhood and growing up, I was often taught and reinforced that producing life is a positive thing. If I decided to question or dwell on the "why", it is oftenly quickly shunned and dismissed as inappropriate. It wasn't until I delved into philosophy to know (similar to nihilism) that life is generally full of suffering. Society and media as well as peers generally view birth as a gift of life and that living is considered a good thing. The moment I started to realize how shitty the world is (injustice, greed, shitty people all around, and what not), the more I am against bringing additional life into this hellish world and allowing them to suffer. Furthermore, no one consented nor agreed to be born. Everyone who is alive today is the result of a biological process in which the egg and sperm conceived a baby and that baby is brought to life. Then after said person is conceived, said person is then subject to society's rules on what is allowed and what isn't allowed. Then failure to abide by those rules and laws will result in negative consequences (legal, social, financial, more). If there was a choice to either be born or not, then I believe most people alive today would have chosen not to be born, however, that is not possible as all humans are brought into existence involuntary (against their choice, will). Non-existence is a better state than the state of existence, rife with suffering.
How I arrived at suicide as a solution (in the future):
Life generally sucks and most times, there are many things outside of one's control. Sometimes one does all the right things but simply just had misfortune and things that are unjust (Bad things happening to innocent people, people getting into poverty for things outside of their control, not being able to fulfill said goals, inequality and injustice, more etc). There is no real help to address these grievances and copes (drugs, porn, video games, entertainment, and what not) are all temporary and fleeting. Sooner or later, there will be new problems and new copes, however, even in the midst of the good times, there are oftenly more bad times that accompany them. Everyone's tolerance and limits are different, some break sooner than others, while others weather it out longer than others and there is no set criteria of what is considered enough or not, just a general consensus on what is enough (which is still subjective and based on status quo). For example, most (sensible and compassionate) people will agree that if someone has Stage 3 cancer and are on their deathbed and that death is inevitable will agree that putting said person out of his/her misery would be a valid and appropriate choice. On the flip side, a kid who has just had a bad test grade or a scolding decides to off him/herself is seen unreasonable because there are still chances in which the kid could recover. Again, these are just what society thinks and of course, no reason is ever considered invalid as each person responds to suffering differently than others. I think all reasons whether big or small are "reasons" for suicide and the reason we have some restrictions are oftenly for those who are considered too young or not well informed enough to make a permanent decision on their life.
Additionally, since all humans die at the end, be it old age and infirmity, disease and illness, accidents and other tragedies, suicide seems to be most tragic because of the way society, religion, government, and media have brainwashed the masses into believing it is tragic while downplaying other causes of death. Furthermore, I fully disagree with the notion that suicide is irrational (yes there can be irrational suicides, but there are quite a few non-impulsive, rational suicides, after careful deliberation) or that people who thought or considered it to be mentally ill. In fact, that is an additional reason to die, to spite society and the masses.
Conclusion:
My ultimate verdict is, that life overall sucks when you consider the totality (summation) of everything and all events. By that I mean considering all the pleasure (positive encounters, positive experiences, etc.), all the bad events (negative encounters, negative experiences, etc.) Now of course, when I say life sucks, it is anecdotal to others, because perhaps others' lives are better (or worse) than mine and no two individual's lives are the same (what sucks for one might not for another, vice versa). At the end of time, all humans and living things will come to an end as nothing is forever. I am merely skipping most of the mundane (at best), and suffering as well as potential good times for my lifetime. In general, there is more suffering than pleasure in life, and when all copes have reached their limit and I have decided that additional suffering is not worth the (potential) pleasure in the future, then it would be time to check out. There are no guarantees in life except for death, taxes, and lies (society, media, and what not).
Additionally, even if for a moment, let's suppose that all my personal problems are solved, no longer an issue, and even if I am living a good life, relative to my standards, I'd still want to die because of external reasons and what not. Death really is the ultimate (permanent) solution to a series of chronic problems in a continuous, finite problem 'life.' Anything short of that is just mere copes, whether long term or temporary. As someone once said that life is mostly suffering with various times of short lived pleasures, and by cutting short an arduous life, it will save many years of unnecessary pain and suffering. This is why I have arrived at the conclusion, that I will likely die by suicide, at least from a philosophical and pragmatic perspective.
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