how I am

[Lavínia]

I was endlessly scrolling in shorts and saw a video of "drawing your problems on the stick guy", with the person just drawing insecurities. There's the sh option too, so I paid a little attention to myself and tried to replicate how my body is now in this topic, and it looks like this:


In the past I would say that the scars were a source of pride, something that showed my effort to live. I don't think so anymore, the pride thing. It's just how I am now, forever. It's not really a problem that affects my self-esteem, it's just that it reflects something, and I feel like it's reflecting little, it could be more. Did I suffer only this? Is this the worst I've ever been through? The only ways to record my pain are with sh and writing, if I don't have either, or there are few, I'm forgetting to record it, or I'm just playing the victim thinking it's much bigger than it really is. I'm just this, it's what is outside and is real.

 

[Mirrory Me]

Yes, it's weird to describe yourself as some single subject, how would you describe it or treat it - what is most essential in that pattern, what decides it and on what basis.

 

[avoid]

The drawing makes me wonder if some patterns of self-harm scars are common. I don't know if people pay attention to where they harm themselves physically when they are in the moment thereof. The self-harm scars on the drawn body are, or seem to me to be, mostly in the pattern of a seat belt.

In the past I would say that the scars were a source of pride, something that showed my effort to live. I don't think so anymore, the pride thing. It's just how I am now, forever. It's not really a problem that affects my self-esteem, it's just that it reflects something, and I feel like it's reflecting little, it could be more. Did I suffer only this? Is this the worst I've ever been through? The only ways to record my pain are with sh and writing, if I don't have either, or there are few, I'm forgetting to record it, or I'm just playing the victim thinking it's much bigger than it really is. I'm just this, it's what is outside and is real.

This really made me think about how people, self and others, see self-harm and its lasting scars. Thank you for your insight.

 

[Lavínia]

pages and more pages. fragrant, summer crimson, rye of carnivorous flowers. I am better now. flooding the nostrils, feet walking, sun, head falling, this way and that
I would break this floor, sink it. smell of skin, blood, toasted hair, body oil, sweat. so much longing
Which end is best?
Cut in the creases of the fingers, in a way. A lot out, and easy disguise
Look at them
Take the longest blade, heat it until it's red, and cut as faaar ah ah, bubble girl, then do a few more here and there
When will it be over?
Look at them


btw, att #v#

 

[Lavínia]

"you got what you asked for"
I don't recognize my face, my voice, or my feelings. meat, meat and meat.
I recognize that when I die, when all that's left is this disgusting, scarred mass. If I looked at it, I would laugh. And others would do the same.