Discussion How has your mental illness changed you over the years?

[Pg.964]

I vaguely remember how I used to feel and what my personality was like. I used to be funny and dedicated to my hobbies, i could still feel joy. It's been nearly a decade of Worsening illnesses and this is how it slowly changed me:
-i started sleeping more and more until it became 12 hours every day.
-exhaustion so extreme I struggle to meet my basic needs.
-binge eating because of stress then starving myself due to body dysmorphia.
-i used to have highs and lows in my moods but now it's a constant low.
-started feeling physical pain from bad depressive episodes
-cognitive functions decreased so much to the point where I struggle to maintain memories and pay attention to things. It's like I'm in a constant brain fog.
-emotional spectrum is alot smaller and the best i can ever feel now is numb and the worst i can feel is unbearable agony, i usually just feel grief.
-my personality has turned into a horribly unpleasant one and I can no longer pretend to be a normal functioning member of society.
I think that covers most of it, I'm interested to see what others experienced.

 

[Ash’Girl]

I think you about covered it for me with the addition of - I used to be equal parts introvert and extrovert. I needed a balance of "me" time and time with other people. Now I'm practically a hermit and have zero inclination to change that.

Also - even when depressed before, I still could feel happiness for the people I cared for when something good happened in their life. I could be a shoulder to cry on when something bad happened. Now in the most part I'm so disconnected I don't feel much either way, I'm detached.

I also really used to need physical touch. I was a hugger. Now I stiffen up when even my mother tries to hug me.

It's like I have retreated into a little bubble of just me and I don't even want to come out.

Edit: oh, and…. I used to feel hope, somewhat - even in the worst times, there were glimmers of hope that it'd get better. Now - total lack of hope, utter despondency, and a general acceptance of the fact I don't even want life to get better anymore because every time I've grasped happiness, it's been fleeting, and each crash - the fall is harder, because trauma stacks.

 

[F@#$]

I'm almost exactly as you've described. I just don't know how to express myself I guess.
I'm a volatile,angry,destructive,vile excuse for a human.I hate the world almost as much as I hate myself. I've also developed a thirst for revenge cruel and brutal revenge.

 

[Abyssal]

I don't know. I keep it very hidden I think. I am the same as always, just plotting my own death now.

 

[Pg.964]

I'm a volatile,angry,destructive,vile excuse for a human.I hate the world almost as much as I hate myself. I've also developed a thirst for revenge cruel and brutal revenge.

I completely understand, my empathy has gone down so much and I can't tolerate other people at all. I grit my teeth through every interaction.

 

[Krokodile]

I have a lot of imagined discussions in my head about various different topics, and I sometimes notice myself muttering these discussions out loud. I might sometimes even lose my temper over them. Would probably look quite crazy to an outside observer, but at least I know it's not real. Perhaps it's a side effect of spending all my time alone for so long, when there is no other company my mind creates it.

I can mostly toggle off that habit when I'm outside on walk, but sometimes I do get drawn into these discussions even outside without noticing it, and then I really am that stereotypical muttering crazy person, at least from the perspective of anyone who happens to notice it. Might best that I CTB before this habit gets worse.

 

[Pg.964]

I have a lot of imagined discussions in my head about various different topics, and I sometimes notice myself muttering these discussions out loud. I might sometimes even lose my temper over them. Would probably look quite crazy to an outside observer, but at least I know it's not real. Perhaps it's a side effect of spending all my time alone for so long, when there is no other company my mind creates it.

I can mostly toggle off that habit when I'm outside on walk, but sometimes I do get drawn into these discussions even outside without noticing it, and then I really am that stereotypical muttering crazy person, at least from the perspective of anyone who happens to notice it. Might best that I CTB before this habit gets worse.

It sounds like maladaptive daydreaming maybe? Which I struggle with as well, it's horribly embarrassing especially since I do it most at work. But tbh I'd rather talk to myself than other people :)

 

[Krokodile]

It sounds like maladaptive daydreaming maybe? Which I struggle with as well, it's horribly embarrassing especially since I do it most at work. But tbh I'd rather talk to myself than other people :)

I just googled this topic a bit, apparently it's not very uncommon. Though I can't recall noticing other people doing it. Then again I hardly pay attention to other people so I wouldn't be the one to notice it.

 

[inaminute]

My mental illness has left me in a position where I do not have any life to look forward to. I have 5 biological children and 1 step child however the last 6 years has left me a shell of who I tried to be used to be if that makes sense. I am starving myself deliberately but I am taking fluids mainly alcohol at night 4 cans of Coors at minimum. I believe at my age of 46 I am not due and future to expect I have tried multiple times to kill myself but through my own nativities I was saved. I have nothing to look forward to I believe life is just pain and I want out. I was diagnosed with BPD years ago due to childhood neglect and sexual abuse so here I am trying hard to order SN from anywhere and if that doesn't happen I shall starve myself and one day soon give up fluids. So yeah pretty fucked up really.
Ps can someone explain why the date of posts are wrong?

 

[Pg.964]

My mental illness has left me in a position where I do not have any life to look forward to. I have 5 biological children and 1 step child however the last 6 years has left me a shell of who I tried to be used to be if that makes sense. I am starving myself deliberately but I am taking fluids mainly alcohol at night 4 cans of Coors at minimum. I believe at my age of 46 I am not due and future to expect I have tried multiple times to kill myself but through my own nativities I was saved. I have nothing to look forward to I believe life is just pain and I want out. I was diagnosed with BPD years ago due to childhood neglect and sexual abuse so here I am trying hard to order SN from anywhere and if that doesn't happen I shall starve myself and one day soon give up fluids. So yeah pretty fucked up really.
Ps can someone explain why the date of posts are wrong?

That's really heartbreaking to hear. I'm in my 20's and got diagnosed with bpd as well for similar reasons. I truly hope the best for you, and that your suffering comes to an end.
Also I believe that's just the date you created your account on the forum, not the date of the post itself.

 

[lastexit717@proton.]

i was in a very dark place when i was a teen but my parents help me rise from that dark, now in my 30's i was being succesfull and full of love but i fucked up, it was my fault and now i wanna catch the bus asap since i cant talk toanyone about my situation.

 

[inaminute]

That's really heartbreaking to hear. I'm in my 20's and got diagnosed with bpd as well for similar reasons. I truly hope the best for you, and that your suffering comes to an end.
Also I believe that's just the date you created your account on the forum, not the date of the post itself.

The shame is that the close to use don't "get" the PTSD left behind from this type of history eh. They say get a grip - yeah you try doing what I've done to get a grip you'd never cope.

 

[Scythe]

It's done good and bad for me actually, while most people won't agree with the done good part, I like my "bad" coping mechanisms.

I'll start with the negatives
-The voices won't shut up for shit, they only really shut up if I'm drunk. My mind's a constant buzz of voices talking and shouting, some are trying to make me improve, but they are loud and unhelpful. Most are shouting about how much of a failure I am.
-Lack of motivation, I don't have motivation to do most things, and things get dragged out, I get stressed and drags it out more.
-Shit attention span, don't think this is mental disorders entirely? Part just not enjoying the things I'm doing so unable to focus and part my habit of manually selecting songs after every song plays is very bad.
-I'm depressed and miserable, days stretch on and I suffer.
-Time is wrapped for me, events a week ago feel 2 or more weeks ago and like half a week ago at the same time.

The neutrals
-Lack of emotion, this is in the neutral because I still feel emotions, just not as strongly as most would. It also applies to negative emotions as well as the positive ones. So it does help even if sometimes I want to feel things and I cant because most of day is occupied by negative emotions.
-pessimistic, this is in the neutral cause while the normies might think this is bad. I don't see how it actively harms my life, sure it affects my decisions and such, but not in a bad way.

Postives, somehow
-Motivation, yes I know this contradicts with what I wrote before, but I will usually have motivation or at least energy to do my hobbies and create things because I know I don't have a lot of time to do so.
-Freedom, to some degree my mental illness grants me the freedom to not worry about the far future, because it will never come. I have less decisions to make and responisibilities compared to my peers because only death awaits me in the far future.
-Peculiar outlook on life, accepting death to come for me soon changed my outlook on life. In a way that I like, not in a healthy way to normies. But I like my current outlook.

 

[Unattainable666]

My mental health has been bad my entire life (1st attempt was at 15 years old). It really went to hell in a handbasket after my little girl was murdered. I hate most people, I stay to myself, I talk to myself like full conversations - probably the smartest person in the room. Without therapy or drugs for over 2 years I struggle like most on this site. My heart goes out to all the wounded souls here.

 

[cold_severance]

it is me. idc what szpd, avpd, adhd, dtd it always been there. nothing changed from at least kindergarten. i know some people have before and after even if vague and i dont have that.